Gone in 60 Seconds

If you know what's good for you, you will be.

I sure wish I had been. But I had to watch it for two hours. O Gone in 60 Seconds, how do I dislike thee? Let me count the ways:

(1) It's a Jerry Bruckheimer production. (2) Never has a talented cast been more wasted (and not in the drunk-driving sense). Robert Duvall. Angelina Jolie. Nicolas Cage. Three, count 'em, three Oscar winners. You'd never know it from this gem. (3) Even Robert Duvall can't save Scott Rosenberg's glib and leaden screenplay. (4) I know Scott Rosenberg can write good screenplays. (See Beautiful Girls.) (5) Angelina Jolie is in a lot less of the movie than I'd hoped. (6) Director Dominic Sena seems to think colored backlighting is really cool. Really Cool. (6) Clichés abound. A guy forced to do something he doesn't wanna so a family member won't get killed! A funny black guy with an attitude! A limey villain! (One with a passion for wooden furniture, natch.) A mute giant who talks when you least expect it! A (ridiculously simple-minded) happy ending! (7) There are humorous gags like a dog being fed Ex-Lax and a snake that likes to bite crotches. (8) For a movie that's ostensibly built around car theft and police chases, it falls pretty flat. If you want real burnin'-rubber-smash-'em-up action, check out The French Connection or even The Blues Brothers. (9) While I was wasting two hours in the theater, my car got stolen. (Just kidding.) At the Campus, Harbour Mall, Holiday, Patriot, Showcase, Tri-Boro, and Woonsocket cinemas.
-- Mike Miliard