Vice in a vise (continued)
	Related links Cato Institute The libertarian public-policy research group, which seeks to promote "traditional American principles of limited government [and] individual liberty." Mothers Against Drunk Driving Hugely influential grassroots organization, which aims to "stop drunk driving, support the victims of this violent crime, and prevent underage drinking." It does that — and, arguably, more. The Center for Consumer Freedom Controversial coalition of restaurateurs, tavern owners, and liquor and tobacco companies. While clearly self-interested, the group also propounds the scandalous idea that "everyone should have the right to make their own choices about what to eat and drink — whether it’s a garden salad and bottled water, or a prime rib steak and a cocktail." Modern Drunkard magazine A gleefully politically incorrect celebration of Dionysian debauchery. Departments include "Booze News," "Gin-Soaked Fiction," "Wino Wisdom," "Skid Row Poetry," "Diary of a Dipso," and "Drunkard of the Month."

See, now’s the time of the meal when you start getting the McStomachache.... You get the McGurgles in there.... Right now I’ve got some McGas that’s rockin’.... My arms got the McTwitches going in here from all the sugar that’s going in my body right now. I’m feeling a little McCrazy.

-- Morgan Spurlock, Super Size Me

I LOVE McDonald’s. But I eat there once a month, at most. Why? Because I end up feeling sick every time I do. Still, that crap tastes so effing good. And is it not my right as an American to gorge myself on trans fat and wash it all down with a 72-ounce bucket of hyper-caloric sugar water? Perhaps not for long.

The backlash began a few years ago, when McDonald’s was compelled, after much hectoring, to post nutrition information near its ordering counters. The news wasn’t good. But here’s a question: so what? Does anyone pass beneath those golden arches expecting a healthy square meal? No. They know what they’re getting: something cheap, quick, and tasty that, if eaten regularly, will kill them. That’s what Morgan Spurlock proved when he packed on the pounds and his liver turned to pâté. Fast food is not meant to be eaten every day. Do people do so anyway? Stupid people, yes. But that’s their choice. Nonetheless, last month the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit revived part of a class-action lawsuit that had been dismissed in 2003; the suit seeks to hold McDonald’s responsible for its customers’ obesity, and charges the fast-food giant with false advertising.

Partly in reaction to all this, McDonald’s is changing its menu. By the looks of it, it will soon read more like a fat-camp meal plan. Gone are the supersizes. The McNuggets are all white meat. And the New York Times reported a couple weeks ago that McDonald’s "now buys more fresh apples than any other restaurant or food service operation, by far." More frightening, last year the food giant, according to a press release, "launched its first-ever, national Happy Meal for adults — the McDonald’s Go Active! Happy Meal. This special meal includes one of McDonald’s four Premium Salads, a fountain drink of choice or bottled water, a Stepometer™ to track one’s daily steps, and an informative booklet ... containing a walking log and tips to easily integrate more physical activity into one’s daily schedule." It’s enough to make you feel like Superman in Bizarro World.

The case of Hardee’s — which, regrettably, does not exist in Massachusetts — offers a welcome antidote to these healthful shifts. The chain’s "Double Monster Thickburger," two hefty beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of melted cheese, and a generous slathering of mayonnaise, has been called "America’s unhealthiest hand-held meal." At 1420 calories and 107 grams of fat, most of it saturated, it may be just that. So what? After all, is that not Hardee’s right? The restaurant sells burgers. That’s what it does. But no sooner had it unveiled the Monster Thickburger than the apoplectic response began. It was called "politically incorrect" and "the burger of death." C’mon. If people want to eat two hefty beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of melted cheese, and a generous slathering of mayonnaise, let them. Dum vivimus vivamus.

WHAT THE HELL is going on here? When did this country get overrun by killjoys and prudes? Aren’t folks allowed to have fun anymore? Will the day soon come when each American citizen is subject to random weigh-ins? When gym memberships are handed out with our Social Security cards? When each household room is outfitted with a cigarette-smoke detector wired to the local police department? When bars and clubs institute two-drink maximums? Frank Kelly Rich, editor of Modern Drunkard magazine, an unabashed and gleefully provocative celebration of the lush life, wonders the same thing. "It’s like this whole new age of nannyism," he says. "Everybody’s trying to tell everybody else how to live. They’re so concerned about their neighbor having too much fun that they stop remembering to have fun themselves."

As he sees it, all the interesting and important people knew how to have fun. Those figures that blazed brightly, who marched to their own drummers, who changed the world? They were sots. "When you look back at history, all the major movers and shakers, these artists, these writers, they were all heavy drinkers. And they were totally fine. They were fully functional drunks! Look at Churchill! Look at FDR! They freed the world from tyranny, and they were drunk all the time."

The alternative, he implies, is to be an abstemious mediocrity, a milquetoast. So he’s fighting the good fight: the fight for our right to party. It’s an imperative, he says. "We’re gonna wake up and realize we’ve lost our civil liberties in regard to drinking. The drunks have got to start organizing. The time has come where we’re gonna have to — or we’re gonna to lose our right to drink."

Dave Attell, the portly, balding, sweaty stand-up comedian who’s best known for prowling the inky night on Comedy Central’s Insomniac, eternally clutching a drink and a smoke as he hangs in the debauched underbelly of America, has noticed the walls closing in too. Speaking by phone from LA last summer, he lamented the vanilla-ization of more and more of his favorite late-night haunts. "It would be nice if there was a little balance," he said. "If we could smoke in a part of the bar again. I think it’s only going to get worse, personally." So he’s not taking any chances. "I’m stockpiling porn and cigarettes for the eventual end of it all. It’ll be like money on the black market."

He’s wise. We live in a country where "values voters" are suddenly calling the shots. Where our fundamentalist Christian president is an ex-drunk who’s zealous in his piety and sobriety. Where liberals of a sanctimonious bent — you know who you are — sniff condescendingly at the imperfections of others. But as the sinners of this world go about smoking and drinking and eating badly, enjoying their vices while they still can, perhaps the health police will come to realize they’re fighting a war they can’t win. Consider the words, spoken nearly 2000 years ago, by the Roman historian Tacitus: "There will be vice as long as there are men." We’ll keep indulging our bad habits. After all, it’s a free country.

For now.

Mike Miliard can be reached at mmiliard[a]phx.com