Heart of the matter A springtime dating guide for the romantically challenged BY JESSICA GROSE
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I HAVE NO TALENT for romance. It’s not my fault: I was begat by the infinitely pragmatic. When my father proposed to my mother, there were no flowers, no bended knees, no puppies, not even a single sitcom ring-hidden-in-food mishap scenario. It was 1972, and dad (I imagine him with striped bell bottoms, a bow tie, and perhaps a Tom Selleck-style moustache) proposed to mom as they were planning a trip to England. Pushing his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose, he said, "I don’t think your father will let us go to Europe if we’re not married," and that settled it.

My own romantic experiences have been similarly lackluster. I’ve received flowers once, just because it was a holiday and only since I told my then-boyfriend, "If you don’t get me at least one flower on Valentine’s Day, I’m gonna be pissed." He showed up at my door on a sleet-filled February night with a single, half-wilted rose and a half-wilted smile. I was still pissed. My current dating partner forgot to call me on my birthday — which fell on a Monday — because he drank a forty and fell asleep.

Those with similarly stunted romantic impulses — and anyone else — can make use of the five following themed dates. We know you secretly want to make nice to your significant other, holding hands with someone on those few bright days after the cold temperatures have thawed and before the swelter of summer in the city. You may even watch Meg Ryan movies when no one’s looking. These ideas for the latently romantic run the gambit of Rhode Island activities, encompassing a themed epic cycle, really, from birth to death. Let’s start with . . .

The Reversion to Childhood Date

1) India Point Park

www.friendsofindiapointpark.org

2) Ice cream shop of your choice

3)Providence Children’s Museum

100 South St., Providence, (401) 273-KIDS, www.childrenmuseum.org

This date requires good weather and a well-developed sense of whimsy. Begin your romantic jaunt in India Point Park, where you can soar on the swing-sets and hang upside down on the overly ornate art-school experiment that is the jungle gym. If you get bored with swinging, chase seagulls, eye the mouth of Narragansett Bay, or roll down the steeply sloping hill that flanks the north side of India Point. Walk toward Wickenden Street, stopping briefly to get ice cream at the shop of your choice. Make sure you get a cone. As the chocolate starts dripping down your hand, cross the Point Street Bridge into the Jewelry District. Make your way to the Providence Children’s Museum. Free admission is offered on the first Sunday of every month. Make sure to check out the "Teeth!" exhibit, where you can brush a giant mouth. Try to refrain from making off-color jokes. On the way out of the museum, pants your date. They’ll like it.

The Classic Date (i.e., "I’m trying really hard to get in your pants")

1) Prospect Park

Congdon Street, Providence

2) Al Forno

577 South Main St., Providence, (401) 273-9760, www.alforno.com

3) Pastiche

92 Spruce St., Providence

(401) 861-5190

You locked eyes in the womb-like atmosphere of Lili Marlene’s, the walls refracting rainbows from her gilded hair. Or you spotted your prey riding his bike past you, the slush streaming from his back tire like giant frozen angel wings in ephemeral flight. Or maybe you just always wanted to screw that dude at the coffee shop. Whatever your circumstance, this is a surefire plan to win someone’s heart and perhaps get you some play. Start at Prospect Park, which offers a sweeping view of Providence, on a warm evening. Spin overwrought love sonnets against the wrought iron fences. After the sun sets, make your way to Al Forno. Make sure it’s reasonably early — this culinary landmark doesn’t take reservations, although feeding your date some pre-dinner drinks at one of the rustic European villa-style restaurant’s two bars isn’t a terrible idea. Al Forno’s homey atmosphere should make your date feel at home . . . in your arms. After having your fill of Northern Italian ambiance, make your way to Pastiche, a superb bakery on Federal Hill, where you can split any number of rich desserts. Eat outside, next to the mosaic fountain, because nothing bespeaks romance like well-preserved tiles. If this triple whammy doesn’t get you laid, you may need a trip to The Foxy Lady to alleviate your frustration.

The Jimmy Buffett-Style Date

1) Nick-A-Nee’s

75 South St., Providence, (401) 861-7290

2) Decatur Lounge

18 Luongo Memorial Sq., Providence, (401) 351-5492

3) Tortilla Flats

355 Hope St., Providence, (401) 751-6777

4) The Olney-Margolies Athletic Center

Hope and Lloyd streets, Providence

This is for those of you who have already given up on true romance and are just looking, in the parlance of the bard, Jimmy Buffett, to get drunk and screw. Start at one of the many fine dive bars that Providence has to offer. I suggest a place with a jukebox, perhaps Nick-a-Nee’s or the Decatur, because how are you going to blast "Margaritaville" without the aid of this musical equipment? If you want to get more specific with this theme, proceed to Tortilla Flats, where many Margarita varieties are available, as well as other drinks, some of them neon-colored and sporting a paper umbrella and at least three pieces of fruit garnish. The point of this part of the date is to lose inhibition, in an embarrassing, unacceptably pants-wetting kind of way. After you’re sufficiently prepped, climb into the car (a Ford Pinto is best) that you’ve conveniently stashed in a nearby parking spot. Have crazy romance in the back seat of the vehicle, or in a nearby field. (If you’re at Tortilla Flats, the Brown athletic fields are in spitting distance. Not that we know from personal experience, mind you). Sober up by running laps around the OMAC and head home, champ.

The Retro Date

1) Rustic Drive-In

Louisquisset Pike (Rt. 146), North Smithfield, (401) 769-7601

2) Wes’ Rib House

38 Dike St., Providence, (401) 421-9090, www.wesribhouse.com

3) Modern Diner

364 East Ave., Pawtucket, (401) 726-8390

4) McCoy Stadium

Ben Mondor Way, Pawtucket

(401) 724-7300, www.pawsox.com

Ah, to revert to the time when men were men, women were women, and the word "vegan" wasn’t part of the national lexicon. Start at the Rustic Drive-In, one of the last bastions of outdoor cinema in New England. Snuggle up while watching the latest Disney movie or cheesy action flick, and try not to frighten the nearby small children as you rock the car playing tonsil hockey. After working up an appetite, drive back to Providence and coat your stomach with some old-school good eatin’ at Wes’ Rib House in Olneyville. You can get a square meal at one of the last places where soy is a four-letter word. If your date works out, head north to Pawtucket the next morning for breakfast at the Modern Diner. Hold hands and have a milkshake amidst the pseudo Eisenhower décor. One shake, two straws — classic. With a fresh baseball season offering another harbinger of spring, continue the splendor with a visit to McCoy Stadium, home of top minor league club of the Boston Red Sox.

The Necrophiliac’s Delight

1) Swan Point Cemetery

585 Blackstone Blvd., Providence, (401) 272-1314, www.swanpointcemetery.com

2) Underground Coffin Art Installation

Location: near the river

Your favorite television show is Six Feet Under. You think Goths are wicked hot. You might not understand what’s so whacked out about the movie Crash, because casts can be totally sexy. If you have a morbid sense of humor, then this date is for you. Take a stroll at the Swan Point Cemetery, admiring the neo-Roman architecture and the headstones bearing names of elite Rhode Islanders (do Arnold, Barnes, and Waterman ring any bells?) If you’re really into ghouls, wait until August and join the followers of horror writer H.P. Lovecraft ("I Am Providence"), who meet at Swan Point to celebrate the anniversary of the author’s demise. For those of you in the know, crawl down into a manhole cover near the river and find the underground installation filled with coffins and prone bodies. The first room contains full-cast figures made of off-white or amber resin. White rope suspends these hollow bodies, hanging over an inch or so of water that sometimes reflects the dangling forms. In the second room, five white pine boxes hold the artifacts of a life left behind — a tiny post-modern sarcophagus. At the end of the room is a couch with a clothed body atop it. In the hands of the inert figure is a fitting conclusion for our romantic travelogue — a gleaming crimson heart.

Jessica Grose has memorized entire monologues from When Harry Met Sally . . .