Charge!

"You're not fired and don't worry about reimbursing the state for illegal credit card charges." That was the tough line taken this week by Governor Bigfoot with John "Visa Boy" Swen, the embarrassing director of the Economic Development Corporation.

The Missing Linc had been AWOL when it came to calling Swen on the carpet for the totally inappropriate and overindulgent use by EDC officials, himself included, of state-issued plastic. This was probably because Visa Boy was always over at the Capital Grille so he didn't have to have his "work" interrupted, as he has claimed, by pesky phone calls from his boss, Bigfoot, and other important politicians. But on Tuesday, the guv finally dropped a squeaking toy hammer on Swen for his indiscretions. Talk about vicious wrist slaps, sweetheart.

Fortunately, Lieutenant Governor Charles Fogarty has been screaming blue murder about these improprieties, saying "Some of it is downright stupidity there is no excuse for." Hey Charlie, did you follow the Quonset Point megaport proposal? Sound familiar? This is SOP for EDC. P&J wonder what our good pal Attorney General Sherbet Whitebread thinks about possible prosecution of the EDC lunch club, especially given the admission of Visa Boy and Co.'s shared repasts (including plenty of cocktails and beer, which are absolutely taboo on state-financed expenses) with lobbyists and campaign officials. A little case of malfeasance in the use of public funds for personal gain? Just asking, Sherbet.

What your superior correspondents find most laughable is Visa Boy's claim that as a so-called "corporation," EDC must function more as a business than a state agency. Sorry, V-Boy, P&J have also worked in the "corporate" world, and the blatant and illegal overuse of an expense account is more apt to get you fired than promoted. Unless, of course, you're working for the Missing Linc.

We'll look forward to the General Assembly turning on the EDC the sort of white-hot lights they used on the DEM in the past, provided the leadership members aren't fearful of their own expenses being exposed by the intrepid reporters at the Urinal. Meanwhile, Bigfoot can continue wagging his finger at the disgraceful Mr. Swen, saying, "You've been a bad, bad boy . . . again."

"The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers"

P&J think we stand a good chance of getting BeloJo editorial page editor Robert Whitcomb fired if we keep agreeing with his stances in the Urinal. In this case it is our mutual call for diversifying the state Ethics Commission, which has become a cozy little club for well-connected lawyers. So what if their law partners are lobbyists? Would anyone dare suggest that, because they share in the revenue generated for the firm, there might be a blatant conflict of interest?

The majority of the Ethics Commission (five of nine members) now have ties to lobbyists. This presents the possibility of the commission being hamstrung not just through members recusing themselves on the more obvious cases of conflict, but in instances when these legal eagles need to investigate the behavior of the judges before whom they might appear. "Remember me, counselor?"

How did this happen? Let's look at the cute little trick pulled by House Speaker Pucky Harwood and his boy Friday, Majority Leader Gerard Martineau, in offering nominees for Governor Bigfoot to select. First, Pucky sent in his short list of five candidates -- all lawyers. The Missing Linc, having no other options (like, say, a normal citizen with some scruples), chose one for the commission. When Martineau's turn came to submit his five nominees, he just added another lawyer to the remaining four from Pucky's list. Martineau's excuse? He was too busy to come up with five names on his own (Although the argument that Martineau probably doesn't know five people with any ethics is certainly a compelling one).

Keep an eye on this story -- it's bound to rear its ugly little head in the very near future.

"Help him . . . help him"

What with the preponderance of best-of lists for the fading century, Phillipe and Jorge reviewed their own top-10 favorite books, and one immediately jumped to the top: Catch-22. Now, as a fitting farewell to the 19whatevers, the tome's author, Joseph Heller, has died, leaving us this gift for the ages.

Phillipe vividly remembers keeping his brother awake for a week straight in their shared bedroom as he read Catch-22 way into the wee hours. Between Nately's whore, the demented Catch-22 insanity clause of the title, and the enterprise of Milo Minderbinder, Heller crafted an unbelievable book. Surprisingly, it received only lukewarm reviews when first

published, but thanks to the support of folks like P&J's author for any millennium list, S.J. Perelman, it went on to have enormous influence.

Although Catch-22 was virtually impossible to capture properly on film, one of our favorite scenes was the briefing attended by the general played by Orson Welles's buxom companion. The depiction

of the lieutenant (played by Richard Benjamin) being taken out to be shot, after violating a no-moaning order sparked by Yossarian's moaning, has remained a classsic memory. Thanks for all of them, Mr. Heller.

Gubernatorial gonads

You can't keep a good man down, and that's certainly the case with the former governor and legendary ladies man, Bruce Sundlun. As reported by Katherine "Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill" Gregg in last Friday's BeloJo, the irrepressible swinger is planning to tie the knot for the fifth time, to his longtime pal, Susie Dittelman, owner of East Greenwich Photo and a background player in some of the Brucemeister's recent escapades.

It was Dittelman's studio where the holiday party took place a couple of years back when Bruce felt the need to purchase plastic forks. And it was Susie who took the famous State House lawn photo of the "naked" model that so unnerved Governor Bigfoot.

Much to Governor Sundlun's credit, there has not been a lot of public overlapping of his varied love interests, unlike Governor Kirk Fordice of Mississippi. Fordice has been running around quite publicly with high school sweetheart, Ann Creson, while wife Pat sits and stews in the executive mansion. Also, unlike Fordice, Sundlun is no hypocrite, never having tried to fob himself off as an outspoken advocate of "family values." Apparently, the sordid little Mississippi soap opera is coming to an end with first lady Fordice having finally agreed to grant the governor a divorce. Good luck to Bruce and Susie, and may his Viagra prescription always be full.

Holiday music for a worthy cause

Check out this week's "Local Anesthesia" column, where Bob Gulla writes about Uptight Before Christmas Again, a holiday compilation of tunes to tweak the conscience. Profits from sales of the CD will benefit the people and programs of Providence's Amos House. If you'd like to check out the tunes and, at the same time, help the Amos House clients, call 272-0220 for info.

P&J's other prime pick of the week is the live show Saturday, December 18, at CAV (14 Imperial Place, Providence), with the Kirk Feather Quartet. Kirk is one of our favorite reed men, and he appears rarely as a band leader. He'll be accompanied by the excellent Mac Chrupcala on piano, Alan Bernstein on bass and Jim Latini on drums. Check out Kirk, but request that he doesn't kiss you after consuming a red wine. He's been known to leave odd lipstick-like traces.

Correction

In last week's eulogy to the great Louie Camp, in a moment of temporary insanity, P&J inadvertently substituted Arthur Prysock, the singer, for Red Prysock, the R&B tenor sax giant. It always helps when your superior correspondents are awake while writing the "Cool, Cool World," a condition that was regrettably not the case in this instance. Louie himself would have pointed out this was tantamount to mistaking Frank Howard, the first baseman, with Moe Howard, the non-vegetarian. Our fault.

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