His eminence decrees . . .

Phillipe and Jorge can never get over the arrogance of the Urinal's M. Chuckie Bakst in believing that he is Rhode Island's political kingmaker, who alone should decide who is and is not a viable candidate for office. The situation of Cool Moose gubernatorial candidate Robert Healey, dismissed out of hand by Chuckie for not having lotsabucks, is the most obvious example.

In the latest case, we refer to Bakst's dismissal of our old pal Ahhhleeen Violet in the Sunday BeloJo. The reason for deeming Violet unfit for the US Senate race is that she cannot raise enough money to compete for the seat being vacated by John Chafee, a wonderful acknowledgement by Chuckie that not only are seats in Congress tailored to the highest bidder, but that this is a respectable process. Bakst then argues that even if Attila the Nun can scrape together enough to launch a high-profile campaign, she would be ineffective in the Senate because she does not belong to either of the two major parties that continue to stifle good governance. God forbid someone from Roger Williams' lively experiment might actually have an independent voice in our current parliament of whores in D.C., as the bought-and-paid-for employees of America's corporate community were dubbed by P.J. O'Rourke. In fact, compared to some of those reps and senators who have "NRA" and "Archer Douglas Midland" tattooed on their butts, we should be happy not to count Messrs. Chafee, Reed, Kennedy and Weygand among that sorry ilk.

Why Bakst seems out to quash Violet's campaign is a mystery, since she has enough baggage as is, and it is doubtless that once our amnesiac voters are reminded of her previous transgressions, her chances will plummet like a rock. But she should certainly not be counted out for running a campaign that isn't gold-plated, or having the chutzpah to express independent views.

A man of the sackcloth

"When I fed the poor, they called me a saint. When I asked why they were poor, they called me a Communist."

Those were the famous words of Archbishop Helder Camara of Brazil, who died August 27. Camara was an inspiration to P&J for his dedication to the poor within a Catholic Church hierarchy that favored "Bishop-Princes," as he called his fellow clergy who sported their gold and silver pectoral crosses and demanded to be called "eminence" and "excellency." Although no fans of the Catholic Church for numerous reasons, including the flaunting the church's wealth in the face of dire poverty, Phillipe and Jorge admired Camara for his liberal theology and having the courage to rail against the military and multinational corporations that his church leaders sucked up to. A good man gone, but not before making an impact.

The schmuck stops here

P&J indulged in a little professional development last week, attending an international media conference in Cincinnati, appropriately known in our case as "The Queen City." You know you're operating at the sub-high school French level when a Russian woman who speaks the language, but very little English, begs you to speak English instead.

We also found time for a bit of sightseeing. The best item we encountered was a walkway right on the Ohio River with three-foot-by-three foot marble stones set in the middle of the path. These big rocks described the paleontological history of the river valley, dating back to 450 million years B.C., with descriptions and images of the various creatures, such as trilobites and early fish species, which had existed in the area. As one proceeded on the path, you approached the 20th century. So it was only fitting, your superior correspondents thought, that just at the point where Neanderthals were the most advanced species on the planet, one could turn and look across the Ohio River to Kentucky and see a huge, red neon "Hooters" sign outside a restaurant of the same name. Maybe the walkway should have ended right there.

Don't fear the Saugy

With the new Michael Corrente film based on Pete Farrelly's novel, Outside Providence, opening around the country this week, the New York Times ran an article on our local movie heroes in last Sunday's Arts & Leisure section. The big thrill for locals was an accompanying photograph of Michael, Pete and Bobby standing in front of the legendary Haven Brothers diner next to City Hall.

But now that the native Vo Dilunduhs are operating in the big time, they no longer actually eat at Haven Brothers. The article implicitly reveals that they were across the street, at Davio's in the Biltmore, sipping Merlot. But don't let that fool you into thinking that the trio have gone totally upscale. Times contributor Dana Kennedy describes the three of them "pounding on the window in a vain attempt to grab the attention of their `good friend' Mayor Vincent A. (Buddy) Cianci Jr. as he climbs into his limo."

Food was apparently much on the minds of the triumvirate as Bobby explained the beauty of "the Saugy" to Kennedy, a native of Marblehead, Massachusetts, who once toiled for AP in Boston. Unfortunately, New England-bred Kennedy did not check on the spelling of our glorious indigenous hot dog, and it came out as a "soggie," probably due to the fact that Bobby was laying a little Vo Dilundese on the New York-based reporter. Bob pointed out to Kennedy that the Saugy is strictly a local thing because "it doesn't have to meet any standards." That's why they taste so spicy good.

WaterFire creator to be torched

Much to our chagrin, Saugys will not be served at the roast of Barnaby Evans slated for September 16 at the Biltmore in downtown La Prov. It's a fund-raiser for P&J's favorite charity, the Fund for Community Progress and its 23 nonprofit grassroots agencies. Barnaby is, of course, best known as the creator of WaterFire, the public artwork that has captured the imagination of the entire state and beyond. His current installation piece at the RISD Museum, Rikyu's Second Dream, has also garnered boffo reviews for the local artist. The peripatetic Guy Abelson is chairman and host for the event, while Charlie Hall's Ocean State Follies will appear, as will the mighty Bud-I. Tickets are a modest $40 per person, and reservations are needed by September 7. You can get all the information you need by ringing up the Fund at 331-3863. It promises to be a good one, so be there or be square.

Fanfare for the Common TV News Report

Your superior correspondents have got to hand it to WJAR-Channel 10 for courageously revealing television news for what it really is -- way, way over the top. Virtually everybody knows that the so-called "news" on television has largely degenerated into an amalgamation of promotional spots, gossip and car crash photography, interrupted on occasion by an actual story dug up by a real reporter (thank you, Jack White, Jim Taricani, Dyana Koelsch, etc.). This, of course, won't stop us from watching because, well, it's quite entertaining and some of those folks on the screen are just so darned cute. But now the visionary Channel 10 can take credit for coming out of the closet on just what it's all about.

We're referring here to the positively ludicrous fanfare music they've been using for the past few months to introduce the exciting fluff-orama segment during their regular 5:30 p.m. broadcast, In the Loop. When we first heard this stuff, P&J thought it was some sort of Monty Pythonesque goof, but noooooo. Channel 10 is apparently serious about this. The big question at Casa Diablo is, how does Gino V. manage to keep a straight face when, after the sounding of the bombastic heraldic trumpets, he launches into the latest update on Gary Coleman's latest lawsuit? We suggest that 10 take the next logical step and use the famous four-note intro to the first movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony as a lead-in to the daily traffic report. And if, perchance, this whole thing takes off, it would behoove them to add more appropriate reporters to the staff. After all, a quick journey over to Cox's cable access station reveals that Jeffrey Starr and Daphne (of Daphne's Madhouse fame) are waiting patiently in the wings.

Two-wheel protest

Flyers have recently surfaced on the East Bay Bike Path announcing a protest of sorts that will be happening this Saturday. At noon, a number of bicyclists are slated to congregate at Kennedy Plaza before riding over to the Providence Place monolith to protest a lack of bike racks at the new mall. Sounds like fun.

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