Jamestown Bridge is falling down, falling down . . .

As Phillipe and Jorge have suggested in this space in the past, the Rhode Island Lottery is missing a great chance to make big bucks by having a competition to guess when the old Jamestown Bridge will either fall over on its own or be knocked down by a ship. Unfortunately, it appears the Coast Guard has gotten wind of the scheme and is now insisting that the state tear down the span -- which has been obsolete since the new bridge opened nearly six years ago -- on the grounds that this Erector Set model writ-large is a navigation hazard, not to mention an eyesore.

But since it appears that it will take even longer to tear down the old bridge than it took to build the new one, and will probably involve just about as many kickbacks as its newest relative, one doesn't hold out hope that the state Department of Transportation will do anything about it. Especially not if they insist on claiming that, as was reported by Bob Jagolinzer in the Urinal, "Despite its age and poor looks, the Jamestown Bridge is apparently structurally sound. It was inspected in June by DOT workers, who used the department's `snooper' truck to look under the roadway, [state chief design engineer Edmund T.] Parker said. No problems were found."

Perhaps the DOT should employ their snooper submarine. Scuba divers familiar with the bridge report that the bridge's underwater structure is a nightmare. In some places, they say, the pilings are non-existent, and you can pass your hand between the section descending into the water and the foundation in the bottom, or knock off chunks of concrete with a flick of the finger. It would be very interesting, in the near future, to see some underwater footage of the old Jamestown Bridge on the local news shows to show just what a safety hazard the bridge has become. And we think we know just the man for the job, Mr. Rose.

Wanted: Dead drunk or alive

Quite the little furor last week when it was revealed that the North Kingstown police were sending around "official notice" flyers urging South County bars and restaurants not to serve one Glenn Gadrow of Saunderstown, because he has a drinking problem that turns him into a less-than-charming patron.

Since inquiring minds want to know, Phillipe and Jorge spoke to the bartenders at a couple of popular watering holes in NK and Narragansett, where Mr. Gadrow is a well-recognized problem child. Neither of these establishments felt it necessary to have the police flyer posted in full view of other patrons, as do other spas -- which has drawn the criticism of Gadrow's lawyer, P&J's close personal friend and former attorney general Jim O'Neill, as well as other criminal law and civil rights experts. This, however, didn't mean that the tarbenders had much sympathy for the over-indulgent Mr. Gadrow, other than to not subject him to public ridicule above and beyond the call of duty. In fact, he is well-renowned by local wait staff for being an a-hole of the first water when on the piss, and he does indeed cause both the police and restaurant and bar staff enormous headaches by whistling at women, provoking scuffles and choosing to bed down on the roadside when exceptionally tired and emotional.

However instead of sending out the flyers, perhaps the boys in blue in NK might have just more clearly emphasized the line in Rhode Island General Law 3-8-1, which they attached to the missive: that bars have the right to deny service to any "intoxicated persons or to any person of notoriously intemperate habits." Seems Mr. Gadrow might well fit the bill in that case.

People in glass houses

Faithful viewers of the Biggest Little's premier pundit gasbag show that we are, P&J are never surprised to see the usual gang of geniuses slap around the country's top honesty-challenged couple, Bill and Hillary. We do plenty of that right here, but we were nonetheless a bit taken aback last week by one of the comments made about the health of the first marriage. While policy issues and slippery (when not outright false) utterances are certainly fair game, we do feel a little queasy when people start in on the private sphere that is a marriage. Still, Hillary opened herself up to this by her self-serving blabbing in Clinton sycophant Tina Brown's new Talk magazine.

What was curious, however, was former state Senator Lila Sapinsley's opining about her fellow Wellsley alum that "[her] first mistake was marrying Bill Clinton; her second was putting up with him as long as she did." Lila apparently thinks that absolutely no one in Vo Dilun reads the Brown Daily Herald. In the fall of 1995, the Brown paper ran a series of articles about the abrupt resignation of Lila's husband, John, who was a visiting professor of engineering. Another engineering professor, Barrett Hazeltine, told the paper that he had personally received "about a dozen complaints about Sapinsley's conduct toward female students." Two former female students who had Sapinsley as an adviser told the Herald that Sapinsley had "kissed them and touched their thighs and breasts."

At the time the story broke, the Other Paper, protective of its powerful and wealthy Republican friends, chose not to mention the story. And P&J mention it now as an example of hypocrisy.

Nitwit Nostradamuses

No one can say that your superior correspondents don't have perfect timing. Just as last week's Phoenix was rumbling off the presses with our cannily reasoned prediction that former AG Jeff Pine was a likely candidate for Congress, Jeff was telling the press that he couldn't put his young family through such an ordeal, and was therefore removing his name from consideration. Not only does this mean that we'll be returning our crystal ball to Kmart and demanding a full refund, but it increases the odds that Myrth York, who we predicted would not enter the US Senate race, will be announcing the formation of an exploratory committee any day now. Also, keep your eyes open for a big comet called Kohoutek that should be visible any day now.

Scout's dishonor

Although no one has asked us, we feel it's time that Phillipe & Jorge step in to act as official spokesmodels for the beleaguered Boy Scouts of America. The organization certainly seems to have botched things in responding to the recent dust up over the 16-year-old Eagle Scout who was seeking his job back at Camp Yawgoog. After a sit-down strike in his support among the staff, a near lawsuit and a series of embarrassing articles in the Other Paper, your superior correspondents feel that it's time for us to step in and clear the air. Here is our definitive press statement, which the BSA may or may not choose to utilize:

"The Boy Scouts of America want it known that our policy is to disallow those who identify themselves as homosexual. They are not acceptable as members or staffers. This does not mean that we are opposed to sodomy nor even pedophilia, as we have had a long tradition of heterosexuals who have engaged in such activities functioning in leadership roles. Therefore, the newly designed "Teen Bum Blaster Merit Badge" will only be available to those who clearly identify themselves as heterosexual.

"To avoid any confusion in terms of anti-discrimination laws, we also insist that sexual orientation be discussed only casually. No pointed questions about such will be tolerated, but non sequitur comments while lolling about the campground will be encouraged, as long as such queries crop up totally out of the blue. Also, the phrase "morally straight" will hereinafter be considered modern parlance for the "heterosexual identity," regardless of the founders' original intent."

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to C-Span, the government and public affairs cable television network. On Saturday afternoon, we overheard a programming note promoting an interview later in the day in which, "Rhode Island Governor Dirk Kempthorne will be out guest." While we were unaware that Bigfoot had changed his name, we must compliment him on choosing such a winning nom de broadcast.

. . . to the many World War II vets who forced us to duck down alleys last week to avoid running into of our Japanese friends on V-J Day. We guess it's not enough to vaporize hundreds of thousands of those slanty-eyed little yellow bastards at Hiroshima and Nagasaki without reminding them of it on a yearly basis. And while our brave former fighting men might get apoplectic that P&J make such comments, we would inform them that Phillipe's father fought against the Japanese in the Aleutians, where he was shot through the middle finger, leaving it in a permanent crook, a position which would not be unfamiliar to Vo Dilun motorists. Given his proclivity to want to put thatentire period of his life to rest, the injured vet might well be exhibiting that specific digit to those former comrades in arms who continue to make the Ocean State look like we are in the Dark Ages by celebrating the United States dominance of a country the size of Texas. As J. Robert Oppenheimer said when he first saw the atomic bomb tested, quoting from the Bhagavad Gita, "Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds." Hey, let's celebrate!

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