Hammer time

Save the Bay and the Conservation Law Foundation brought the hammer down and smiles to the faces of many residents of the Biggest Little when they unanimously came out against the proposed megaport, just as P&J were going to press. Staffers promise "a bomb a week" to be set off under the noses of Governor Bigfoot; John "What Clean Water Act?" Swen, the well-permed and clueless head of the state Economic Development Corporation; and the ethically and financially dubious Bankruptcy Boys from Quonset Point Partners, Martin Grasso and Chip "Belly Up" Norton. We particularly liked the comment by CLF VP Stephanie Pollack, who said, "Save the Bay and CLF stand ready to oppose the load center in the permitting process, and our track record speaks for itself when it comes to ensuring that inappropriate projects don't get built." To that end -- in case the Missing Linc, Mr. Perm and the Bankruptcy Boys still don't get it -- take a look around the state and notice the very conspicuous absence of oil refineries in Tiverton and Jamestown, nuclear plants at Rome Point in North Kingstown and down in Charlestown, a NewBay development in East Providence, and a huge trash incinerator at Quonset Point.

Opposed by citizens with among the strongest collective sense of environmental stewardship in the country, all of those proposed monstrosities have been beaten down over the years, and Narragansett Bay has been allowed to remain the state's greatest natural and economic resource -- not a cash cow for a couple of carpetbaggers. Congrats to both groups for taking off the gloves and telling it just like the majority of Vo Dilunders want it said to the trough-feeders at the State House. And meanwhile . . .

Show us the money, Linc

Despite the fact that Rhode Island could be contributing $72 million in bond money to the now-doomed proposed megaport at Quonset Point, we were always told that it will be privately funded. Well, once you start telling whoppers, a practice that "What Clean Water Act?" Swen, and the Bankruptcy Boys are turning into a cottage industry, one shouldn't be surprised at such glaring misrepresentations.

However, P&J must ask just where these private funds are coming from, as QPP's piglets go around boasting of their behind-the-scenes Daddy Warbucks. The previously identified financiers, Stevedore Services of America, seem to be out of the picture after QPP blew any chances of a deal with the Sea Land-Maersk cargo carriers. Which leaves us wondering just who else would have the funds to back this hundreds of million dollar enterprise? We are left with just two options: Native Americans who are involved in gambling operations, or the Mafia. Could this be true? Well, Governor Bigfoot isn't saying, which means he's either blissfully ignorant or avoiding pesky responsibilities such as due diligence. Not to burst his bubble, but many Vo Dilunders might actually be concerned about where the money is coming from for this atrocity. So is it, "What cheer, Netop?" or Whatchoo lookin' at, numbnuts?" Bigfoot?

The question now is, why isn't Big Linc telling the public who is bankrolling this mess? And we might also ask how he can stand by this description in the Urinal of his stance: "Almond has said that if QPP has its financing in line and has shippers lined up by the end of next month, he will allow the proposal to go to the permitting stage." QPP has already announced they will not have shippers under contract, other than to have "letters of interest" from shipping firms. Can you say, "Don't call us, we'll call you"?

(P.S. A tip of the beret and sombrero to Channel 10, which is digging in on the Quonset Point story and pointing out not only QPP's blatant lies, but also what these wonderful megaports, like the one in Seattle, actually look like. Nice to know someone's on the job, eh, Mr. Rawson?)

Under the Marble Big Top

Nothing like a "naked chick on the State House lawn" controversy to get the blood flowing over at Halitosis Hall. Based on Bigfoot's performance record, we assume that he spends a lot of time gazing out his office window, so, when he saw what he thought was a Penthouse Pet shoot taking place on the lawn last week, he sprung into action. We're sure that it also broke up the day for the Capitol Police who were summoned and, undoubtedly, arrived in toto and, alas, too late, to enforce local anti-nudity laws.

As we all know now, the "naked chick" was a bikini-clad model posing for Providence Monthly and her bathing suit was not ecru colored or, as the Caucasian press put it, "flesh-colored." Even more embarrassing for the Missing Linc, the photographer was Susie Dittelman, head ramrod of E.G. Photo of East Greenwich and a "very close friend" of the ubiquitous former governor, Bruce "Captain Blowhard" Sundlun (You may recall that it was an office party at Dittelman's studio that precipitated the now legendary "plastic fork" incident in which the Captain starred.) When it comes to scantily clad women, we'll go with Bruce's version every time.

Not wanting to cede all of the humiliation to the executive branch, the General Assembly's Joint Committee on Naming State Construction last week decided to name the new government records center in the basement of the State House after former House Majority leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo. George is about as much a champion of open government as Ed DiPrete is of ethical reform. Of course, the public records center had already been named by Secretary of State Jim Langevin after local Daddy Warbucks-like gadfly, John Hazen White.

The point the legislature was ostensibly trying to make was that Jimbo has no authorization to be naming rooms or buildings. That's what the joint committee is for. This is true, but, like the initial bill introduced the previous week to bar general office holders from pursuing another office in the middle of their terms, the Assembly's action looked suspiciously like an attempt to dis Langevin. Rep. George Levesque (D-Jamestown), who introduced the Caruolo bill, was quoted as saying that Jungle Boy "did more for public information than John Hazen White did." While your superior correspondents are not huge fans of either the union-busting White or the ball-busting Caruolo, we suspect that Rep. Levesque's dotty quote may have been the result of too much time spent gazing at a Moby Grape album cover in his allegedly vast vinyl collection.

URI Basic Math 101

Today's lesson:

One Atlantic 10 Conference Tournament Championship with NBA-bound student-athlete (!) Lamar Odom = One new, untested coach who sucked up to Odom and had to be hired to even have a chance of his returning for another year + one blown recruiting class + one furious faculty + one loss of national academic credibility + one loss of credibility among black community leaders + one new basketball arena/athletic facility in jeopardy of ever being financed.

Today's homework: Write three paragraphs in English about what you did last summer for Professor Carothers and get a free ride to college. (Offer limited to one year only.)

Movie mania

Flogged on by relentless local media scrutiny, the folks down Aquidneck way continue to treat the filming of the latest Farrelly Bros. opus, Me, Myself and Irene like a day at the circus. The noise and distractions caused by the presence of so many Vo Dilun locals materializing near the film location has made it necessary for the moviemakers to push the crowd back further from the action.

P&J regrettably must remind Biggest Little rubberneckers that, if the state is going to be considered a viable spot for feature film location shooting, it's worthwhile to know that movie production is an actual job. These folks aren't dropping a few million bucks here to make a documentary entitled Zoo Time in Rhode Island.

We also hear that a few business owners on Jamestown were miffed when they didn't receive the Hollywood bucks that are traditionally tossed to stores impacted by the nearby moviemaking disruptions. Get over it! These folks have been dropping plenty of money while in town and, one way or another, it benefits everybody. Still, if Pete, Bobby and Jim Carrey have a hankering to drop by Casa Diablo for a little Pernod and grapefruit, the Boom Boom Room is yours.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to Superior Court Judge Steve Fortunato for his courageous ruling on DARE's suit against the city of Providence for withholding records on police misconduct. The issue of getting at public records can be murky indeed, but Judge Fortunato's ruling was able to ignore political considerations, cut through all the blather and get right to the heart of the matter.

. . . to intrepid Other Paper scribe Katherine "Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill" Gregg, for digging up the story that ran in last Thursday's paper on what seems to be a pattern of sub rosa deals between Bigfoot's office and state union officials who, just coincidentally, supported the governor's re-election campaign.

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