The unsleeping sword

Your superior correspondents must say that we have been somewhat puzzled by the response of Sherbet Whitebread, our esteemed attorney general, to criticism of local police departments for flaunting the Biggest Little's open records laws. The argument that the newly bolstered open records laws are comparatively new and, therefore, it's understandable that some police departments aren't in full compliance, is a pretty lame one indeed.

This is the same guy who has shown no lack of courage in sensitive areas. Whitebread has argued forcefully in front of the state Supreme Court on separation of powers between the executive and legislative branches of government. Needless to say, the powers that be in the General Assembly think that their power to appoint legislators to boards and commissions is just fine. They are mighty pissed at Sherbet for pushing the issue, as evidenced by the cool reception he received from those Halitosis Hall habitues present at the Aquidneck Island town meeting held by Common Cause on Monday evening. By the way, the Supremes' decision on this is due shortly.

The AG chalked up another victory this week when, after filing a legal action last month against the U.S. Tobacco Company for making false health claims about smokeless tobacco, they backed down. To ward off the threatened court battle, the company agreed early this week to retract the claim that it "has not been scientifically established" that smokeless tobacco causes oral cancer and, additionally coughed up $15,000 to the AG's office to be used to help prevent kids from using the stuff. The money may be chump change, but the admission of the health dangers was unprecedented.

So, why the pussyfooting about the open records law violations by the police? We can understand when the public might not be immediately up to speed on statutory changes, but police departments are in the business of enforcing laws. It's kinda like a physician claiming not to know about a recent, well publicized, treatment for the common cold.

On a lighter note, if you've been by the office of the attorney general at 150 South Main St., you may have noticed that the small brass plaque out front has been changed. The old plaque featured the name of Sherbet's predecessor, Jeffrey "Pine Top" Pine. The new one disregards this traditional touch of self-promotion and merely contains this quote from William Blake's prefatory poem to John Milton: "I will not cease from mental fight/Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand."

We understand that some modern day pundits on the AG's staff have surmised that the quote may, in fact, refer to the AG's staff and, translated to the modern idiom means, "I've got a hard-on for justice."

The Gerber Diaries

More musings by Prisoner #110156.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

That preppie Whitebread, "Newman" Tavares and ol' prosecutor Pinetop cost me my goddamn pension! Now my only recourse is having Pat put on a shameless Butterfly McQueen act, flailing around in court, crying, running in place and screaming, "I don't know nothin' about workin', Judge Rodgers." Looks like my fellow Republicans did just a little too well in eliminating the old General Public Assistance funds for single adults with no income. Maybe she can get welfare benefits by pointing out that Tommy and Dennis are as immature as teenagers, and claim them as dependents. God knows they sure aren't flashing any cash in her direction, the selfish little twits. I just hope that somebody like that pain in the ass Henry Shelton doesn't point out that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and then ask her to join an anti-poverty sit-in at the State House. I guess he wouldn't go for Pat suggesting they hold it at Capriccio's instead.

How's she supposed to survive on unemployment? And I'm pretty sure there isn't a "Former First Lady" section in the Help Wanted ads. Maybe the Phoenix personals would work: "MWF (and brother, that'll be DWF the minute she hears I'm coming home), wants to meet SWM with ANY income and, preferably, no criminal record; who enjoys romantic trips in Winnebagos, Walt's roast beef sandwiches and shaking down contractors. No people dumb enough to get caught, please."

If that wasn't enough, now I got porked on another work release job. Jesus, the only thing I haven't tried for is driving the Zamboni at P-Bruins games at the Civic Center. Bobo said he could probably swing the job for me, but I don't know. Then you gotta work with those guys in Art Coia's union, and if they're worried about associating with ex-felons at Gerry Zarrella's place, wait'll they check out the resumes with that mob, so to speak. Not only am I on a losing streak with jobs, but since they don't allow Grecian Formula and Dippity-Do in here, I'm staring to go white and my coif looks like Derek Jacobi's in I, Claudius. Or at least, like a snowy version of Cianci during his first term.

Would-be reformers, part 87

Nice to see the NRA's local butt-boy, state Representative Arthur Corvese, is filling the shoes of his predecessor, Vinnie "Family Man" Mesolella, so faithfully. Is there anyone in Nawt Prov with a measurable IQ?

Corvese has already made his mark by sponsoring a controversial bill easing the requirements for buying guns and carrying concealed weapons; a ludicrous anti-abortion Women's' Right to Know Act; and a special pension deal bill. Obviously, he is not yet up to speed on anti-environmental legislation like Family Man, who is notorious for pulling the plug on Echo Lake in Coventry. Hey, give him time, it's only his first term.

However, Corvese seems quite comfortable flouting the laws of the General Assembly in his initial legislative session. House rules require members to publicly state who asked them to introduce specific bills. In the case of the pension bill, the best Artie could offer was an uninventive lie (or he's just plain stupid), saying he forgot. And when queried by a BeloJo reporter on the gun bill's advocates, he simply refused to reveal their names. (But did one play Moses in the movies, Artie?)

Needless to say, you won't see laughably self-proclaimed reformers like Speaker Pucky Harwood or House Majority Leader Gerard Marionette (sic) bringing pressure on Corvese to toe the line on House rules. After all, it's just a minor bit of legislation. Now how does that go? That's right: Guns don't kill people -- politicians kill people.

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