On the ramparts

A very big week for P&J's old pal and Biggest Little A.G., Sherbet Whitebread.

First we had his measured decision not to make a bid for John Chafee's Senate seat, which undoubtedly brought an enormous sigh of relief from Rep. "Dorian" Weygand, "Little Ritchit" Licht and Linc Chafee. Well-known for being very solicitous of the cares and future of his wife and kids, Sherbet may have set a record for being the first politician in Vo Dilun history to actually mean it when he said he wants to spend time with his family, instead of using it as a cheap excuse to escape from public life before being caught doing something unethical or illegal. (Incidentally, his wife, Sandra, is one of a contingent of heroines, along with Brown's Carolyn Karp, the Sierra Club's Karina Lutz and Clean Water Action's Aimee Tavares, who have been the environmental community's Joans of Arc in battling the lying white men in suits over the proposed megaport boondoggle at Quonset Point. People should appreciate the intelligent and unrelenting fight they have waged against the duplicitous and ethically-challenged folks at EDC and the financially suspect Quonset Point Partners who would destroy Narragansett Bay.)

General Whitebread then took off after the U.S. Tobacco Co., saying they had violated the terms of their lawsuit settlement with the state when one of their spokesmen got caught suggesting that it had yet to be officially proven that smokeless tobacco causes cancer. (Hey, you could get a job working for the Quonset Point megaport promoters, fella!) Seems they fell back into their old ways of throwing out comments that don't even pass the laugh test, but Sheldon was on top of them like White(house) on rice. Our man then fired off a smoking letter to the state Parole Board, urging them to reject disgraced former governor Ed "Gerber Baby" DiPrete's plea for an early release, reminding them of the lack of remorse he's shown and total denial he is in regarding his crimes. Simultaneously, The Gerb's wife, Pat, was publicly arguing her case to receive her husband's pension funds, attacking Sherbet for trying to pull the plug on that as well. However Whitebread even refused to take her call to discuss it. Nice try, Pat. Ask the Money Store next time.

The Gerber Diaries, cont.

More from prisoner #110156.

That goddamn preppie bastard! Where does he get off sending a letter to the Parole Board trying to keep me locked up in here like a crook? I helped make this state great, and if I thought it might be nice if my just reward was sweetened up a little bit, so what? It's not like everyone else wasn't doing it at the State House. I suppose the Easter Bunny bought the Prince of Darkness that Mercedes? And God knows Matty and Tom Fay didn't even have to pay for a pack of gum when they were holding the big sticks. They got a hummer almost as bad as mine. I swear, these Ivy League types hate all the little guys-- maybe I should remind the Parole Board that Bill and Hill earned their law degrees at Yale, and look what happened to them when they got a little too big for their britches.

Bobo said I looked nervous in the shower Tuesday night, and why not (and I'm not even talking about worrying about dropping the soap)? I have to plead my case before a bunch of nobodies who are strictly out to get me. And for Chrissake, I told Pat, keep your mouth shut about the money until I see if I get sprung before we piss off anybody else. But no, she's got to start crying about how she can't make ends meet unless she gets my pension funds. Marrone! Why didn't she just come right out and tell them the kickback money's tucked away in about 40 separate accounts with fake names. (Although it was fun thinking them up. Dennis still gets a chuckle when he writes a check on the Dick Hertz account, although I thought Tommy including I.P. Daley was a bit juvenile. Still, my all-time favorite is Lt. Batguano, "if that is indeed your name," as Peter Sellers said in Dr. Strangelove. Hey, why didn't I use that one? Oh well, too late now.)

4/14, 3:30 p.m. -- Note to self: Never get your hopes up. I'll make those SOBs on the Parole Board pay some day, or my name isn't Fast Eddie.

War games

You just can't beat our crack foreign affairs team in Washington, who have flip-flopped more than Jim Harrick over why we are bombing Serbia. Such as when we were told it wouldn't be effective without ground troops, and then claiming to have known that all along . . . which just might beg the question of why we are doing it. However, other than going for the boffo laughs by saying this is Slobodan Milosevic's "final warning," of which the magazine Private Eye now details he has received 24 from NATO reps, including the US, since 1991, NATO offers a more subtle approach. Instead of having some drawling Southern general who sounds like a graduate of Timothy McVeigh Tech do the NATO post-bombing briefings, we are now using British military brass, who make things sound ever so much more refined -- especially when it comes to discussing such topics as murder, rape and torture: "Come now, dear chap, it is simply the right thing to do." However, hats off to wooden soldier William Cohen, who makes Al "Two-by-four" Gore look relaxed, for jumping on the deplorable Cokie Roberts during their Sunday morning chat show interview for using the term "ethnic cleansing" so casually. Call it what it is, Cohen advised her -- i.e., the aforementioned murder, rape and torture. The fumes from that full can of hair spray Cohen uses daily on his helmethead quiff must be making the boy bold.

This week's lesson from P&J in how to speak Pentagonese: "Casual damage." Definition: Killing innocent civilians during a bombing raid.

Bass-ic instinct

A tip of the sombrero once again to Beavertail Opera Productions whose Visiting Artists Series will bring one of the world's greatest voices to Providence's Veterans Memorial Auditorium on Monday, April 19. Samuel Ramey, arguably the finest bass in all of music, will be performing in recital, and for a mere $10, you are there. Ramey recently released a CD of popular Broadway and show tunes, and we understand he'll be performing a mixture of these songs as well as numbers from the classical repertory. You can call (800) 233-3123 to charge tickets, or reserve seats at the Vets box office at 272-4862. Last year's Beavertail-sponsored performance by Fredericka van Stade was one of the musical highlights of the year, and this one promises to be nothing short of spectacular.

By the way, Beavertail Ramrod, Tom Lawlor, the Irish-born D'Oyly Carte alum, recently became a US citizen. Congratulations to Tom and all the folks at Beavertail who continue to bring quality musical productions to our state.

Notes from the Showbiz Capital of the East

It's always a thrill when the cast and crew from the television show Providence decide to actually show up in Our Little Towne to shoot 15 minutes or so of sunsets over downtown or a few shots of the cast members strolling along Waterplace Park. Of course, there is a strict rule forbidding anyone involved in the series from crossing 95 and discovering parts of the city that don't look like downtown or the East Side. We understand that the rule has been waived if someone from the production crew is heading for a restaurant on Atwells Avenue, but obviously no one on the Providence Film Commission is anxious for the Hollyweirdos to discover that the area around "South Providence High" doesn't look like Beverly Hills.

We wonder if the Bud-I, who held a dinner for the Providence gang at his Power Street home on Monday evening, was able to keep copies of the BeloJo out of their mitts. They might get too many story ideas if they were to read recent stories about their "co-star's" pension arrangements. Likewise, Charley Bakst's Tuesday column on why the Bud-I might want to shelf any plans for a US Senate run may have delved into Hizzoner's sub-illustrious past a little too deeply.

For a more realistic depiction of classic Providence behavior, your superior correspondents suggest the new Fox animated series Family Guy (Sunday at 8:30), another program with a fictional Vo Dilun setting. The show delivers the laughs and, if they can manage to create a little character development (a monumental task considering that the title family is so relentlessly loathsome), the series could score big time.

---

The P & J archive

---