Midnight train to Butler

Never mind how foolish officials at URI must feel over the Jim Harrick fiasco. Imagine you're either University of Georgia president Michael Adams or athletic director Vince Dooley -- you now realize you have an unstable, indecisive loony on your hands to work with your student-athletes (sic).

At least URI is getting a bit more overt about their intentions. Speaking at the first "he loves me, he loves me not" press conference, vice president for advancement (does that mean social climbing or social promotion?) Bob Beagle admitted the Kingston honchos would be looking for someone to "market" URI. No mention of academics here, but why waste words? P&J have heard that URI will now officially be going to the Bob Carothers "write me three sentences" entrance exam that Lamar Odom passed with flying colors last fall. Well, you have to set some standards, especially with those damn SATs and ACTs being so darn biased and unfair, right?

Meanwhile, other than being amused at Harrick's on-again, off-again emotional tug-of-war, P&J had the same response to his departure as most Ram fans we encountered: "Good riddance, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." And the bonus: we certainly enjoy having names like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Dave Cowens being thrown around as Harrick's replacement. Good to see Harrick isn't the only delusional person on campus. And what's a search committee for a new coach without a theater teacher, a biology professor and a player who has one foot in the NBA on it? That ought to get a quick consensus. P&J would also like to recommend Tommy Tune as the new head man. Like they say, you can't teach height.

Working-class zero

Much has been made of how Fleet head ramrod Terry Murray scraped his way up from the gritty working-class tenements of Woonsocket, but it's obviously been a long time since Mr. Big Shot has spent any time even thinking about his roots. Murray's recent proposal for the state to give tax breaks to those making more than $200,000 a year in order to spur economic development here in the Biggest Little might make sense if it weren't for the fact that these folks are already doing . . . well, well.

Implicit in Murray's thinking is the notion that everyone benefits. This is not true. Just look at CEO and corporate executive salaries in comparison to what the average citizen makes. How much does Terry make compared to one of his Fleet tellers? How many of those at Fleet earning $200,000 or more are facing the loss of a job due to last month's big merger with BankBoston? Has not the gulf between rich and poor been inexorably widening in the past 25 years?

It's been those with the big money who have truly benefited from the nationwide economic boom. Do these high rollers want all the money? If Murray can explain how his tax break scheme will benefit those in the $20,000 to $50,0000 a-year range (not to mention those making less), we're all ears. Until he can tell us specifically how giving fat cats another break will work to benefit everyone -- and we're not talking about a lot of rehashed trickle-down bullshit rhetoric here, but specific statistics -- we're not interested.

Inside politics

Attention, political junkies! A new Web site, sponsored by the non-profit, non-partisan Genesis Institute and developed by Brown University's esteemed local pundit and pollster, Darrell West, is now available on the Internet at www.InsidePolitics.org. Well worth your while.

Kudos, too, to our pal Representative David Cicilline (D-Providence), who recently came out publicly as a gay man. It was revealed in a Charlie Bakst column in the BeloJo last week. The fact is that David's been out for years among his friends and family. Since he's been a tireless and outspoken champion of lesbigay and other gender issues throughout his political career, his reticence in discussing his own orientation has caused little rancor. His "this is no big deal, just part of who I am" attitude shows a maturity that, we believe, is shared by most intelligent Vo Dilunduhs.

The timing also indicates that he is seriously considering a run for the "Dorian" Weygand's House seat as Boy Scout Bob mounts a campaign for the soon-to-be-vacated Chafee Senate chair. And, with the persistent rumors that another Casa Diablo fave, Kate Coyne-McCoy, is also considering a run for the 2nd District Congressional position, we can't help but smile. Two great potential candidates. Don't make us choose, you guys.

Rudeness prison

Outside of the occasional crossbow showdown on the interstate, your superior correspondents are unfamiliar with any major violent outbreaks on the highways and byways of southern New England. That's why it's a little puzzling that our fabulous General Assembly is wrestling with so-called "road rage" legislation designed to stem the tide of aggressive driving in Vo Dilun. One of the provisions in the bill gives the police the right to throw in jail those who give the finger to fellow motorists. And all this in the wake of a national report that indicates that Vo Dilun and Massachusetts drivers (popularly known as "Massholes") are the least aggressive drivers in the country.

Let's use a little common sense here. Not only is the large digit salute a venerable and highly cherished institution in these parts, but it is P&J's belief that the hand signal system is a much more genteel tradition than the handgun-wielding craze popular among California motorists. If you think our prisons are overcrowded now, what's it going to be like when we start incarcerating people for giving the finger? We might as well put a big fence around West Warwick and dispatch cattle cars to round up half the population of the state.

The Gerber Diaries, cont.

More thoughts from prisoner #110156.

I guess it isn't bad enough that the ProJo has to reveal I'm still on the four slabs of turkey, broccoli and Wonder Bread diet with Kool-Aid chasers. Now I feel like going for Jim Jones's grape Kool-Aid after that rag ended up running my name in the list of people who are being considered for parole this April. Nothing like being featured next to guys whose names I can't even pronounce and who are in here for giving someone a scalp massage with a lead pipe, while all I did was sell off the State House and take kickbacks from a bunch of guys who drive backhoes.

Bobo tells me not to put all my hopes on getting released the first time before the board, unless I was someone with real juice on the Hill -- and I don't mean Smith Hill, he said. I thought I told Dennis to take care of filling the parole board with some folks I could depend on in case things went south, but I guess that's like asking a DOT contractor to bring a job in on time and under the bid price. Just isn't going to happen. Where was Fazzano when I needed him?

The wife told me that since I was sure to be on TV when the hearing came up to at least brush my hair with something other than a washcloth, and to lay off the Valiums washed down with a pint of Dewars like the day I was admitted to the ACI and they caught me on candid camera. And she said to try to avoid pulling the raincoat over my head like I did on my first day of work release, which she suggested sparked about as much confidence in my being rehabilitated as that Latin King gang guy did when he pissed on the floor during his court case. Even Craig Price has learned to shut up and fake the remorse, she said, get a clue. So I'm having the boys get me a new black suit and a gray tie, and Bobo said he'd slip an onion and a real knife out of the kitchen in minimum so I could cut it up right before I entered the room for that teary-eyed effect. Worked like a charm for old man Patriarca, he said. Although if I was really desperate, we could go for the stretcher trick with a lot of stereo wires hanging out the side not attached to anything, which Bobo told me Raymond practically had a patent on. Maybe Dennis can drop by TweeterEtc. before his next visit and we can give it a trial run.

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