You get what you pay for

Golly, there's just tons of sympathy at Casa Diablo for the management at Women & Infants Hospital, especially for out-at-the-elbows president Tom Parris, who is just squeaking by on $512,000 a year. Phillipe and Jorge will have to make sure we get him on our list for a free Thanksgiving turkey, just to tide him and his family over during the holidays.

The hospital's insulting ad in the February 6 and 7 editions of the BeloJo, pointing out how much the top 20 nurses at Women & Infants make, could be the PR blunder of the year. Most insulting, hospital administrators padded on all sorts of overtime and benefits-package estimates, while the union, in its ad, neglected to add on stock options and benefits to administrative compensation.

As a result, we imagine the union's estimates are a bit low. And it's too bad that additional salary information about the doctors who appear on the floor for at least one five-minute visit a day wasn't included as well.

Overall, P&J are absolutely appalled at the amount of money being spent on these unqualified nurses, most of whom work in the neonatal intensive-care unit and general intensive-care unit. We damn well don't want our precious dollars wasted on individuals who merely take care of the most critically ill babies and the adults in need of the most sensitive care, do we? If that's the case, we might as well give the money to other undeserving freeloaders, such as our police and fire fighters and the other inconsequential members of society without whom we'd all be better off, right?

The wealthy and the far right constantly whine about how the spokesmen for the little guy engage in "class warfare." But the hospital's misguided and distorted PR campaign reveals that the big shots are not above class-warfare strategies themselves. Keep up the good fight, folks. We're not all bottom-feeders, er, excuse us, bottom-liners.

A golden opportunity

Here's a free tip to Governor Bigfoot. The top slot of the state Department of Business Regulation has remained vacant since Barry Hittner resigned his post at the end of the guv's first term. From talking to a distinguished member of the bar (e.g., someone who is not currently in personal-injury practice), we understand that another well-respected member of the Vo Dilun legal community, Casby Harrison, is interested in the job. If this is true, it would behoove Almond to snap up Mr. Harrison immediately.

Not only is Casby Harrison exceedingly well-qualified for the position and a highly respected attorney and major figure in the community but he is an African American. And Governor Almond's record on bringing minority folks into state government has been, shall we say, less than exemplary.

In fact, in all his years as US attorney, Almond didn't hire one black lawyer. And then there's the embarrassing imbroglio at his inauguration with Other Paper reporter Karen Davis and the National Guard.

Selecting Casby Harrison as the head of DBR would at least give the impression that Bigfoot is aware of some of the talented folks out there in the minority community. And there wouldn't be much trouble with Senate confirmation either, as Mr. Harrison is well-known and respected in that body.

Here's a golden opportunity for the governor to show that he's not completely out of touch and that he values the broad participation of everyone in state government.

Quonset Point lies of the week

More fodder for exposing the lack of candor and overblown statements of the proponents of the proposed megaport at Quonset Point came in an op-ed piece in the February 11 BeloJo by the state Economic Development Council, Lincoln Almond, proprietor.

Well, let's just use the EDC's own "bullets" to expose thinking and claims that couldn't pass muster in Judge Judy's court, never mind make a legitimate case to the public, which is becoming more skeptical every day as these misrepresentations are trotted out.

1) QP is the state's "largest single job creation opportunity." For who -- union stevedores from out of state? With a lot of featherbedding, state officials might get that jobs figure up to the promised 4200 new positions, but with all those people standing around, they wouldn't have room for the containers. You also have to love the patronizing "accessible to Rhode Islanders of all educational backgrounds" line. Yes, kids, you can drop out of high school and still make an average of $42K! Will McDonald's have to raise their salaries to keep their young employees on the grease line?

2) The project will "increase the attractiveness of Quonset Point Industrial Park." Not if you are one of the thousands of people who already work there or in North Kingstown. Then you'd live in the permanent traffic jam that the thousands of truck movements a day would create. Air quality would suck as well, since all the truckers waiting for the boxes to land would do so with all those long-haul diesels idling away.

3) "A container port at Quonset Point can save the bay." And fish ride bicycles. That $20 million figure Governor Bigfoot and his pals at Halitosis Hall keep throwing around for environmental mitigation wouldn't come close to making up for the reduction in quality of life and habitat a megaport would inflict upon the entire state. This would be the most damaging single act to Narragansett Bay since...we last filled 440 acres to build Quonset in 1941.

4) QP is "the best location in New England for a container port." Provided, of course, anyone in New England wants this kind of monstrosity. And P&J love the real whopper here: "Easy truck access to the Interstate Highway System." Unless the truckers wanted to go south! We don't know what would be more fun: watching those big rigs snake over past the shopping malls in East Greenwich off Route 4 to hop back onto Route 95 South or seeing the windows rattle in every house lining routes 1 and 138 all the way over to Hope Valley as a conga line of semis flies by.

As a final note, since Phillipe and Jorge are quite aware that container-port workers, cargo-ship deckhands and long-distance truckers don't drink or indulge in sex, we are sure that the people in towns surrounding QP don't need to worry about those employees rolling into and out of newly built bars and strip joints as Buffy and Junior head off to school. (Remember, they would be working only at night -- another huge lie that doesn't even pass the laugh test.) Fleet's in, Mom and Dad!

Tinky Winky agonistes

Since your superior correspondents have a natural proclivity to weigh in on all things stupid, we want to once again thank the Reverend Jerry Falwell simply for existing. As you all know by now, the Reverend Falwell's newsletter recently inveighed against the dangerous influence of the "Teletubbies," a troupe of brightly colored plush toys who have their own television show.

The problem lies with Tinky Winky, who, Falwell's newsletter claims, is spreading gay propaganda by his mere existence. Since Tinky Winky is purple, wears a triangle on his head and carries a "magic bag," Jerry has deduced that he is gay.

At Casa Diablo, we consider this rather thin evidence. Where is the subscription to Architectural Digest? Does Tinky Winky have a collection of Hercules movies on VHS-format video? Can we see an inventory of Tinky Winky's most recent flea-market purchases?

Without any of this precious information, Phillipe & Jorge feel that the jury is still out on Tinky Winky's sexual orientation. Although it is well-known that all lesbigay humans have purple skin, wear triangles on their heads and carry magic bags, we think that assigning gender and sexual proclivities to plush toys might be a bit of a stretch.

We also feel that the jury is still out on the question of whether prolonged exposure to Tinky Winky would encourage a one- to three-year-old (the target audience for Teletubbies) to commence superior behavior at a later date. Sure, Jorge's willing to acknowledge that he's gay because he watched a lot of Pinky Lee back in the '50s, but this is not everyone's story.

Now it appears that Jerry is distancing himself from the controversy, claiming that he doesn't pay very close attention to what goes in his newsletters. Right! And the Bud-I doesn't notice when TV cameras are around.

Prison diary alert

The Gerber Papers will be back next week, as we understand that the former guv did not commit anything to paper this week. Instead, he is sulking in his cell after being yanked from work release. We're sure that he will have much to say for our next column.

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