The Gerber Papers, pt. 2

The saga continues in the diary of Prisoner #111056

Well, better late than never is all I can say about my old friend, President George Bush. Rather than sending a letter to Charlie Bakst, though, you'd think he could have sent one to Judge Darigan when I was in all that trouble. George could have explained that, in all the time we spent together, he never saw me steal anything. I mean, does he think I purposely lost all those pinball games to him for nothing?

Of course, there was that time when Dennis delivered a manila envelope to me while we were playing. But I always thought George bought my explanation that it was just some comparative specs on barbecue grills. I wonder if, when George W. gets elected in 2000, he could expunge my record.

And can you believe that they're taking away my insurance license now? It's not fair. I mean, I'm a compartmentalizing guy, just like Bill Clinton, so it should be quite obvious that I never extorted money from my insurance clients. Why bother with such penny-ante stuff when I had the entire state public-works budget under my wing?

Who are these public officials who don't understand a plea bargain? The deal was that I kept the pension, I kept the insurance license, I kept everything and only had to sleep at the ACI for a few months. Isn't that punishment enough for basically doing nothing wrong?

I think that there's a good argument that I'm needed at the office for "moral support." Of course, since I don't want to actually answer the phone in case one of those jerk reporters is calling, it probably would be a good idea to stock up on those Dell crossword puzzle books.

People have no idea how harsh things can be in prison. The guards ripped down my Rita Hayworth poster the other day. I guess they have no idea how hard it is to get your hands on stuff like that. And what's the point of their cutting out the jokes in my Reader's Digest magazines? I think they're just messing with me because I'm a Republican.

Still haven't heard from Nelson Mandela. You'd think that he'd have a little more sympathy for a fellow political prisoner. Maybe I ought to send him a Hawaiian shirt. Better get Dennis or Tommy to rush over to Caldor before they close up.

Thanks for the memories

The flags went to half-mast Sunday and more than a few tears were shed at Casa Diablo upon learning of the death of our old partner in crime, Tina Frost. The bright and witty Tina was a former deputy secretary of state to her longtime sidekick, Muffy Farmer, during Muffy's reign in office. And the State House hasn't been treated to as much fun since.

This was especially true when the Muffy and Tina Show agreed to work on a fund-raiser with P&J, which left then-Governor Ed DiPrete nearly catatonic. A person who made things work smoothly from behind the scenes (with wisecracks always at hand), Tina will be deeply missed in the Biggest Little, where she selflessly contributed her time and talents to organizations like Planned Parenthood, the Women's Resource Center, the Children's Crusade for Higher Education, the International Institute, and others too numerous to mention.

There will be many hours to remember Tina, with wonderful stories and lots of laughs. But right now, it's hard. Our deepest condolences to Fred and family. Tina was a pip.

All wet

If you really want to know what's going on at Quonset Point, read the letters column in the Other Paper before you tackle one of Urinal reporter Bill Donovan's pro-biz pieces. A recent letter from a Drue Chatfield in North Kingstown pointed out that a November mailing by Quonset Point Partners (QPP) to leading Vo Dilun businesspeople included not only misleading information but a news clip from the Newport Daily News erroneously stating that a QP committee in Jamestown supported the project.

While the paper had printed a correction of the headline well in advance of the QPP mailing, the article was nonetheless included. And QPP has yet to make

their own correction to the recipients of the November missive.

P&J are also intrigued by a January 10 op-ed in the BeloJo by our old friend, Bruce Sundlun. In it, Captain Blowhard supports the megaport at Quonset and calls environmental concerns "red herrings." And the point-counterpoint arguments he presents mirrors the information in the November QPP promo letter.

So, do Phillipe and Jorge detect the paw print here of our pal, Providence PR guy David Preston? You'd think so, considering that Preston is employed by QPP and was undoubtedly involved in the November propaganda push. Also, he is a friend and past political advisor of Captain B.

When it comes to fish analogies, allow P&J to use one of our own and say that our only surprise is that Blowhard would swallow Preston and QPP's "information" hook, line and sinker when the bait consisted entirely of bullshit.

Restoring our love for TV

We don't know about you, but the NBC television opus Providence certainly has "restored our love of television," as the promo line (apparently culled from a possibly brain-dead reviewer) goes. For Phillipe & Jorge, it means that our faith that all problems can be solved within 48 minutes, plus commercials, by plucky characters abetted by chain-smoking dead people has been affirmed.

And if that love hasn't been fully acknowledged yet, we look forward to NBC's portrayal of The '60s, coming in February. Although we expect that this cartoon soap opera will bear no similarity whatsoever to that actual era, we imagine that there will be many unintended laughs along the way.

So far, we've been impressed by the initial promo for that series in which the soundtrack music evokes the happy-go-lucky (as in Cuban Missile Crisis) times before the assassination of President Kennedy with the Beach Boys classic, "Don't Worry, Baby." The fact that this song wasn't released until 1964 gives you some indication of the demanding research done by the producers. "When the truth is found to be lies," indeed.

There was an antidote for such unrelieved TV sappiness in last week's appearance by Vo Dilun homeboy James Woods on CBS's Late Late Show with Tom Snyder. After explaining how the money boys behind his latest release, Another Day in Paradise, blew any opportunity the actor may have had for an Oscar nomination, Jimbo went on to field a phone call from his brother in Warwick, Michael.

In classic Vo Dilun fashion, little brother Michael gave James a pile of shit. This was followed by a few inside Hollywood tales, Woods-style -- i.e., anecdotes about the comparative penis sizes of Milton Berle and Forrest Tucker. Way to go, Jimmy.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to local singer/songwriter/storyteller Bill Harley, nominated for a Grammy last week. A real talent (and a great guy, to boot), Bill is up against a lot of mega-corporation entries from the likes of Disney and the Sesame Street crowd in the "best children's recording" field, so his small, home-based operation is a distinct dark horse. Keep your fingers crossed that voters will go for the real thing.

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