1999: The way we see it

It's that time again when newspapers and magazines look back on the last year and rehash what happened. But as thrilled as we are to read yet another article about the exploits of Monica & Bill and Ken & Linda, your superior correspondents prefer the more challenging task of predicting the big news events of 1999.

In doing this, we operate on what we like to call the "Jeanne Dixon Principle." You may recall that the deceased tabloid seer once mentioned, among her 50 or so other predictions, that the President would be assassinated. And sure enough, President Kennedy was killed and Ms. Dixon gained the tiniest bit of credibility with the type of folks known to frequent psychic hotlines. (Apparently, people quickly forgot about the other prognostications, including that dogs would be speaking in German, Amelia Earhart would resurface in Switzerland as a street mime and Dewey would finally defeat Truman.)

Hey, if you throw enough crap at the wall, something is bound to stick. And in our case, if any of these predictions turn out to be accurate, P&J will gladly accept the title of "The New Nostradamuses" (or is that Nostradami?) and seriously consider any and all invitations to appear on Geraldo, Jerry Springer or any other television showcases.

So here are our predictions for 1999.

* The town of Bristol abruptly suspends its dubious vagrancy law after Secretary of State Jim Langevin is mistakenly arrested while waiting outside a restaurant.

* The television series Providence becomes a smash hit. Unfortunately, this leads to lots of vagabond dipshits, who otherwise would be heading to Seattle, settling in Our Little Towne. It also means the exit of the Bud-I, who, due to his immense popularity from playing himself on the series, moves to Hollywood after he is cast as the lead in Who's on First?: The Lou Costello Story.

* After an enterprising Chicago television reporter discovers that Dennis Hastert, the new speaker of the House, once sold chocolate-chip cookies at a church social that had carob rather than chocolate chunks in them, Hastert resigns his post in disgrace. Mary Bono becomes the first female speaker.

* The downtown Providence ice rink continues to be a huge success, but complications arise because of the lack of downtown parking. Parents who drop off their kids at the rink successfully lobby to have Kennedy Plaza turned into a parking lot. RIPTA is forced to put their main Providence terminal in Pawtucket.

* Calista Flockhart, star of Ally McBeal, dies tragically when she literally evaporates after taking a sauna.

* The Providence Place mall opens with great fanfare. By the end of the year, Job Lot, Dunkin' Donuts and Kmart have moved in, making the mall even more popular.

* A nasty feud between John Hazen White and Alan Shawn Feinstein breaks out over who is the most modest local philanthropist. They decide to settle the issue with a Steel Cage match held at the Civic Center. Recent Nobel Prize winner Jerry Lewis gets brought in to referee.

* For a charity fund-raiser, Charlie Bakst agrees to undergo a makeover. His head is shaved, leaving only two patches of hair in the shape of lightning bolts on the sides of his scalp. He is so pleased with this new look that he decides to keep it and start wearing lipstick.

* In an attempt to turn a bad situation around, Providence College officials announce their "Green Neighborhood" initiative: student volunteers will fan out in the community and urinate on lawns at no charge.

* The Cardi Brothers become more culturally sophisticated and start a series of commercials based on the plays of Samuel Beckett and the films of Jean Luc Godard. Their "Krapp's Last Tape" spot is nominated for an advertising industry award, but they lose out to a talking rhinoceros.

* The new arts district in Pawtucket becomes wildly successful when the city decides to narrow its focus and specialize in certain distinctive forms of artistic expression. Pawtucket becomes a magnet for velvet painting and (the latest craze) sculptors who create lawn jockeys out of Popsicle sticks.

* Mark Patinkin wins the Powerball, but despite the $31 million he pockets, he won't retire. Angry villagers carrying torches storm the downtown Urinal building for a week until he agrees to stop writing.

* The New England Patriots' move to Hartford comes under renewed scrutiny when it's discovered that Governor Rowland also agreed to build Bob Kraft a castle as a side deal. This comes to light only because Kraft's insistence that the entire edifice be covered in aluminum siding is challenged by the Hartford Preservation Society.

* A toy industry giant (to remain nameless), influenced by the success of Furby and other toys whose popularity is largely based on their scarcity, goes too far when they start advertising the "Gashwonk" doll. Riots break out in Denver, Miami and Sandusky when consumers can't find the doll anywhere. The unnamed industry giant is forced to admit that the doll doesn't actually exist, which makes it more popular than ever.

* Attorney General Sherbet Whitebread is seen attending a Pawtucket Red Sox game without a tie on. He is eating a hot dog and loudly complaining about the Red Sox's having let Mo Vaughn get away. Upon reading about Sheldon's escapades in the news, his relatives immediately disinherit him.

* Ed "Gerber Baby" DiPrete, employed by his family's real-estate company to cut grass and rake leaves on his work-release program from the ACI, wins a national award for landscaping the grounds of the State House. The award later gets rescinded, however, when a passing aviator notices that the grounds are manicured to read "Eat Me" from the sky.

* Nancy Mayer helps close out the final year of "The Tent" at Warwick Musical Theater by performing in a comedy duo act with Don Rickles.

* Governor Linc Almond causes a stir by moonlighting as a greeter at Chelo's for their early-bird specials. While no one misses him at the State House, some think that dressing as a large mound of mashed potatoes while shaking hands with diners is unbecoming to the office.

* House Speaker Richard Gephardt undergoes a sex change operation and asks Patrick Kennedy to marry him on the floor of the House of Representatives. He pledges that Patrick will make a "perfect First Lady" someday while music from Camelot plays in the background.

* Trent Lott mistakes Jack Reed for a Senate intern and asks for help getting into his old University of Mississippi cheerleader's outfit. Reed finally reveals his true identity when Lott asks him to fetch some mascara from Barbara Boxer's office.

* As part of WLNE's new "Who Paid for It?" segment, Channel 6's Sean Daly parachutes into the middle of the wedding of attorneys Eva Mancuso and Brian Cunha at Hammersmith Farm, slaps Mancuso across the face and accuses her of stiffing the catering staff at the previous night's rehearsal dinner at the Inn at Castle Hill.

* JAR-head Patrice "Holly" Wood is rushed to the hospital with severe lacerations after co-anchor Dougie White's hair explodes during an in-studio July 4th fireworks stunt.

* Not to be outdone, WPRI blows up anchorwoman Ann Conway on-air during "sweeps week." Channel 12 wins the six o'clock news ratings war for the first time since 1955, and promises to kill more reporters with the cameras rolling in the near future.

* The University of Rhode Island's student newspaper, The Good 5cents Cigar, announces its merger with Soldier of Fortune magazine. Meanwhile, the campus group Brothers United for Action start their own daily paper, The Good 5cents Kool. They announce that they would rather offend everyone than just one specific group and do so by running a nude centerfold of Ray Rickman in their first issue.

* Channel 36's Deadly Experiment is pulled after photos of Lila Sapinsley and Tom "Conan" DiLuglio cavorting in a motel room off Seekonk's Route 6 are published on the front page of the ProJo. No one knows how the paper obtained them, but around the same time, Charlie Bakst mysteriously takes a sabbatical to do research in Israel.

* With the NBA season cancelled, URI admits stars Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant for its spring semester, and, overnight, they are made eligible to play in the NCAA tournament. PC counters by admitting Shaquille O'Neal, who claims he wants to "find God" at the Dominican institution, but later admits to a reporter that PC officials guaranteed that he also would "find $50,000 in his locker" after every game.

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