Compassion Man

Phillipe and Jorge heard an Election Day story that brought tears to our eyes for its patriotic theme of encouraging people to vote. While driving home from work on November 3 at about 4:30 p.m., the daughter of an old Casa Diablo golfing partner had the misfortune of getting into a one-car accident, spinning into the media strip of Route 4 in East Greenwich and giving herself and her car a good jolt. While she sat there rather dazed and bleeding from cuts on the head, who should come riding to the rescue but Governor Bigfoot, who was out on an Election Day canvassing patrol.

After consulting with the young lady to make sure she wasn't seriously injured, the Missing Linc took off back down the campaign trail -- but not before cheerfully saying to the stunned victim, "Hope you can make it to the polls today!" We can only hope the voting machines at Kent County Hospital were functioning properly that Tuesday.

There's something about Doyle Avenue

Your superior correspondents don't wish to alarm anyone, but we're starting to get a little concerned about the sullied reputation of Doyle Avenue on Providence's East Side. It appears that this stately street has become the residence of choice for some of Rhode Island's less-than-solid citizens, a sort of ground zero for weirdness.

Chef extraordinaire Cheng Gu, the 24-year-old suspended Brown graduate student accused of whipping up a radioactive casserole for his ex-girlfriend and her roommate, had his residence listed as 130 Doyle Avenue. And he'll be happy to know that a new Bread & Circus is coming to the University Heights Shopping Center that borders Doyle and North Main streets. At the whole-foods market, Cheng should be able to find a wide assortment of herbs and spices, alleviating the need to add any more Iodine-125 to his gourmet concoctions.

Scott Kelly Hansen, the veteran bank robber who strolled out of the ACI last Friday after forging release papers and posing as a federal marshal, also lived on Doyle Avenue once as a member of the Federal Witness Protection program. We suspect, however, that Scott will not be taking advantage of the new food mart, as his casual disregard for standard bank robbing apparel (ski masks, stockings over the head) could lead to his abrupt apprehension if he's seen wandering about the shiitake mushrooms or organic corn chip displays.

Chutzpah display of the week

. . . goes to Providence Police patrolman Marcus Huffman, who, on Monday, was found guilty on three counts of misdemeanor assault for a disturbance last December at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Officer Huffman, who was off-duty at the time, went to the registry to straighten out some problems and ended up in a skirmish with a custodian, Sambo Chea; DMV director Thomas Harrington (whom Huffman gripped in a headlock); and head of DMV enforcement Ted Dolan.

Among Huffman's claims on the stand were that the tiny Chea had initially accosted him, that Huffman told the other participants that he was a police officer (the others all denied this) and that his shouting, "I've got a gun! I've got a gun!" during the melee was meant to warn the others that it might go off accidentally. The other participants, however, felt these shouts were meant to intimidate.

After hearing the differing accounts, a District Court judge ruled that Huffman was guilty "not just beyond a reasonable doubt, but beyond a doubt." But don't expect Huffman to face any added penalties. A police officer telling false tales on the witness stand is more akin to standard operating procedure than perjury.

Let the frothing at the mouth begin

Although the recent elections here in the US have been described as "boring" by more than one pundit, we are starting to get the feeling that 2000 could be a banner year for those who insist on being entertained before stepping into the voting booth.

While Al "2x4 up the Wazoo" Gore is off in Malaysia, irritating the government by having the unmitigated gall to suggest that suppression of freedom and totalitarian tactics are not nice, back at home, potential rivals are jockeying for position. No, we don't mean Republican frontrunners George W., Dan "Nothing Behind the Eyebrows" Quayle or any of the other usual suspects but those two exciting newcomers to electoral politics, Ted Turner and Hulk Hogan.

Ted apparently suggested at a recent dinner held by the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation that he might toss his scotch-soaked seaman's cap in the ring -- a possibility that should cheer the legions of right-wing Hillary-haters who, wondering on whom they'll dump once Ms. "It Takes A Village"and her thong-snapping hubby clean out their lockers at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., may now reap the bonanza of Ms. Jane Fonda. The potential target that is Hanoi Jane would make Hillary look like Pat Nixon in comparison. Go for the burn, indeed.

More entertaining still is the news that pro-wrestling and steroid-enhancement icon Hulk Hogan is pondering a run for the Oval Office (which, if he's successful, will henceforth be known as "The Squared Circle Office"). Emboldened by the victory of his longtime rival, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, in the Minnesota gubernatorial election, the Hulkster appears determined to make his move.

Lots more frothing at the mouth here, but this time from the candidate as he challenges Saddam to a steel-cage match, setting a new standard for international diplomacy that should go down well with those millions who view the Super Bowl halftime show as legitimate "entertainment." Meanwhile, no word yet from P&J's candidate of choice, Wink Martindale.

An outing with the Dirty Digger

Hypocrisy galore of late for Rupert "The Dirty Digger" Murdoch, media magnate and owner of Britain's notorious tabloid The Sun. The paper is most famous for having popularized the circulation-boosting feature known to the English and Aussies as "Tits on Page Three." So when Ron Davies, Welsh secretary in Prime Minister Tony Blair's Cabinet, resigned after being caught in an area of London notorious for superior trysts, The Sun ran a typically tasteful headline that screamed, TELL US THE TRUTH, TONY: ARE WE BEING RUN BY A GAY MAFIA?

However, when one of Blair's favorite and most influential Cabinet ministers, Peter Mandelson, was re-outed on BBC-TV by a superior former member of Parliament (folks had forgotten he had come out years earlier when in a less powerful position), Murdoch's Sun retreated and declared, "Our readers are tolerant of private behavior, and find unwarranted intrusion offensive."

Well, we suspect they were not referring to the vast number of skinhead soccer hooligans who make up a good part of the Sun's four million readers (or drooling ogleship, more aptly). At any rate, it is nice to know that having a little power in the trade and industry circles can translate into a more tolerant approach to superior behavior. Is it time yet to out Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Ross Perot and Michael Eisner?

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to Dennis Rodman, for using the legendary Vo Dilun "Skip Chernov Defense" to have his weekend marriage to actress Carmen Electra of Baywatch fame declared invalid, claiming he was intoxicated at the time. As longtime inhabitants of the Biggest Little may remember, Chernov, the former rock promoter/restaurateur/sports franchise owner/ born-again Catholic/certified raving monster loony, tried to have the sale of his basketball team, the long-defunct Providence Shooting Stars, voided for the same reason -- because he was on the outside of a few too many potent lotions when the deal went down. Not surprisingly, this rationale failed to suitably impress the judge, and the Shooting Stars were ruled his drinking buddies' property. Good luck, Dennis, but we've heard this one before.

. . . to Providence Police head ramrod Urbano "Barney" Prignano for the quickest about-face since Phillipe grabbed Oliver North's ass when they were in Marine basic training at Parris Island ages ago. After Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci declared he wanted the investigation into Derick Hazard's murder conviction reopened, the Urinal quoted Prignano the next day as saying that he wasn't about to reopen the case and that the Bud-I should keep his nose out of police business. Now, anyone familiar with Hizzoner knows that he is not too fond, to understate it in the extreme, of city employees of any sort telling him to go pound sand, so P&J would have given our favorite mink boas to have heard the phone call from the Bud-I to Prignano after the BeloJo article was published. Needless to say, the next news from Fountain Street had Big Barney dancing faster than a frog on a hot skillet as he tried to claim he was misquoted or taken out of context. Right, Colonel, and kudos to managing editor Carol Young for backing up her reporters. See you in the Power Street woodshed, Barney.

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