The envelope, please

It's time for Phillipe and Jorge to offer their own two rupiahs' worth on this year's election, including the admonition to GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT THERE AND VOTE ON NOVEMBER 3. This is a privilege not enjoyed by many people in the world, and by not voting, you not only give up your bitching rights but you devalue a very precious freedom. The polling booth: be there or be square.

When we glance into our crystal ball for the gubernatorial race, P&J see a win for Myrth York. We base this on Peppermint Patty's performance record as a senator and her agenda for the governorship if elected -- an agenda that includes solid plans for improved education and social services and for environmental protection.

The governor is a good man, and P&J will miss joining him for early-bird dinners at Chelo's, to which he slips away from the office at 4 p.m. every day. But Almond missed the opportunity to champion open government and ethics when the public clamored for such measures and House leaders denounced the "would-be reformers." His only real success versus "Pucky" Harwood, "George of the Jungle" Caruolo and "Slappy" Kelly was getting a private/public deal together to build a new gym at the University of Rhode Island. Wow. Bow-wow.

In our crystal ball, P&J also see a gigantic upset in the lieutenant governor's race. The Vo Dilun public, having had it with the bitch-slappin', name-callin' battle between Bernie "Who's that?" Jackvony and Charlie "Rented Dog" Fogarty, will abandon both candidates in favor of the Green Party's Jeff Johnson. This will be because a) he's not a lawyer with big-shot clients, b) he owns his own dog and c) nobody actually gives a shit about this largely ceremonial office. Why not get the wild-card guy in there? After all, what possible damage can he do?

Overall, this fall has been notable for the race for attorney general, as we are alternately loving and loathing the fact that we must choose between two Casa Diablo favorites, Sherbet Whitebread and Nancy "Ms. Macho" Mayer. But P&J believe that, given the nature of the position, Whitehouse will get the nod. Why, oh, why, Ms. Macho, did you leave the general treasurer's post to run for AG? Love ya both, but Sheldon gets our vote.

Speaking of general treasurer, Casa Diablo expects Jim Bennett to triumph over Paul Tavares for two reasons. First, Tavares has the General Assembly monkey on his back, and we don't buy the "babe in the woods" approach he has taken. Second, Bennett is a go-getter, and if he embarrasses his high-profile Vo Dilun family through anything less than exemplary conduct in office, big brothers Curt, John and Harvey will beat the shit out of him.

On the national front, P&J have nothing to say. We are appalled by the refusal of congressmen Patrick Kennedy and Bob "Dorian" Weygand to debate, which cheapens and undermines our democratic process. Patrick's claims of not being able to schedule in a debate are: 1) utter bullshit, since he recently came flying in to Little Rhody, camera in hand and lips suctioned to Hillary Rodham Cuckold's buttocks, for a big fund-raising day; and 2) he has long since stopped being a Vo Dilunder.

Patrick is now a citizen of Kennedyland and totally out for himself. His inevitable victory Tuesday simply means he will begin running for the US Senate November 4, which will result in a parade of family members being trotted through the state for the next two years, stopping only to light candles and pray for John Chafee to throw in his hand.

We are especially disappointed in Dorian, since John Matson is a legitimate opponent and a debate would've benefitted both Weygand's outlook and the people of the Ocean State. We have no fear that Weygand would not have prevailed. He ain't as fiery as his wife, Hurricane Fran, but he's no dummy. Next time we'll expect you to do the right thing, Bob.

Of course, running for office is a 50-50 proposition. And if the state GOP can only turn out half-baked candidates for office, they deserve the treatment they get from Democratic incumbents. Santa is running? Who's next, the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin? It's your responsibility to make it a contest, Republicans. If you don't, stop your bellyaching.

Now that we look at our predictions, Phillipe & Jorge notice that they bear an uncanny resemblance to the Phoenix's official endorsements. Obviously, this is sheer coincidence, as we understand that top Phoenix ramrods actually interviewed candidates, considered the issues and agonized over their decisions. At Casa Diablo, on the other hand, we tossed the I Ching, consulted the magic plastic eight ball and (this last technique is nearly foolproof) asked the biggest jerks we knew whom they were voting for -- and then picked the other person.

Other candidates, other tombs

While we like to think of Vo Dilun as the home of silly politics, what with former governors being accused of diving into restaurant Dumpsters, candidates campaigning with pigs, dogs, Cool Moose and a variety of the latest toupees, there are other states where they take their politics just as seriously.

Certainly, Senator Pothole calling his latest New Yawk rival, Chuck Schumer, "a putz" would qualify. But how about that race in the Florida House of Representatives, where one Diane Ellis accused her opponent of having been dead for the last three years?

That's right, last month Ms. Ellis, a Democrat who describes herself as a "self-employed legal assistant," charged that her opponent, Gus Bilirakis, son of US Representative Mike Bilirakis, had died in 1995 and that her actual opponent was a "Danny DiVito from New York." When contacted, Gus expressed some surprise about his opponent's allegations. He suspected that she mistook him for the actor Danny DeVito because "we're both short."

While the younger Bilirakis may be short in stature, it appears that Ms. Ellis is short in a few other departments. Ellis eventually issued an apology, but not before the Pinellas County Democratic Executive Committee announced that they were rescinding their endorsement of her. Rumor has it that in the increasingly tight lieutenant governor's campaign here in Vo Dilun, Charlie Fogarty's forces are considering a similar ploy -- claiming that Bernie Jackvony is "that guy who used to be on the TV show Wiseguy."

Meanwhile, in the Minnesota gubernatorial contest, pro-wrestling icon Jesse "The Body" Ventura seems to be gaining ground over his major-party rivals, Democrat Skip Humphrey and Republican Norm Coleman. Recent polls indicate that Jesse, running under the Reform Party label, currently has 21 percent of the vote. His cryptic, Zen-like campaign slogan, "A vote for Jesse Ventura is a vote for Jesse Ventura," seems to resonate with those Minnesotans who may have caught him on an episode of the X Files or rented the movie Predator on videotape.

Ventura claims that he has lots of support from "unlikely voters" who generally stay home on Election Day, presumably to watch pro-wrestling and F Troop reruns. Jesse has mounted a crowd-pleasing, libertarian-style campaign supporting the right to carry concealed weapons and a study to legalize prostitution. Add to this the fact that his opponents may be loathe to engage in debates with him for fear of body slams or sleeper holds and you can see the potency of his campaign.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to the former Opportunities Industrialization Center and Mike Van Leesten, the guiding spirit behind this fine urban program. On Sunday, they celebrated the 25th anniversary of an organization that opened doors and inspired many of the state's minority entrepreneurs. Over the last few decades, Van Leesten and OIC have made a huge difference and we salute them.

. . . to Channel 36's Deadly Experiment, which also had an anniversary two weeks ago. Despite the gratuitous and largely incoherent video clips from past shows that marred the anniversary telecast, it was great to see Jurassic John Hackett back in action. Our old bomb-throwing pal suggested we forget about hate-crime legislation and just execute the alleged killers of University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard, to which Tom DiLuglio helpfully pointed out, "How about a trial?"

. . . to those responsible for arresting General Pinochet in London. We'll start crying about the old dictator's plight when we start getting some answers about those who "disappeared" during his rule.

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