The next 20

As you have undoubtedly surmised by all the hoopla, this publication has been in business for 20 years now. For some of our younger staffers, this may seem like forever, but for P&J and a lot of the old guard, 20 years sometimes feels like merely a blip in the long journey of our misspent lives.

In discussing with our editor, Jody Ericson, what would be in this special issue of the Providence Phoenix and how your superior correspondents might mark this august occasion, Jody made the unfortunate comment, "Well, there aren't a whole lot of predictions."

Ah, predictions. That sounds right up P&J's alley since, 1) they have nothing to do with journalism, per se and, 2) any responsibility for being prescient vanishes in the knowledge that no one will remember 20 years hence. So, in that Cool, Cool spirit, let us make a few forecasts as to what we can all expect around the time of our 40th anniversary in 2018:

Providence Mayor Vincent A. Cianci is elected mayor of Providence without opposition for the ninth or tenth time (who's counting?) even though he passed away six months earlier from an accidental overdose of Viagra. The festivities for renaming the State House the Alan Shawn Feinstein State House are capped by a special ceremony wherein the face of the Independent Man is reconfigured to resemble the Vo Dilun philanthropist. As a memento, every member of the General Assembly is presented with a virtually worthless Malaysian commemorative coin.

Bob Healey is finally elected governor when all his facial hair falls out and he is finally deemed a suitable candidate by Providence Journal columnist M. Charles Bakst. The Providence Film Commission celebrates as the Farrelly Brothers get the green light from Hollywood for their new $400 million production of King Lear starring Chris Elliott. This new, lighthearted version of the Shakespeare tragedy depicts Lear in adult diapers and his three daughters -- Goneril, Regan and Cordelia -- as exotic dancers at the Foxy Lady. The entire production will be shot on location in Woonsocket.

Terming the recent 4 percent voter turnout "a disappointment," the Rhode Island House leadership introduces a bill to give up on all future elections. The new mechanism suggested for selecting representatives and general officers is to have the NiRoPe boys pick the winners out of a hat. But the measure fails, because House members don't show up and vote. Speculation is that they were home watching the premiere of the fabulous new sitcom No Shirts, No Shame, starring the Olsen twins debuting on ONL (Only Network Left).

Rhode Island Attorney General Vinny Pazienza announces that the DiPrete case should be ready for trial by the beginning of the new year. He intends to prosecute the case himself and has designed a special red, white and blue fringed flannel suit for the occasion.

The Providence Journal, now owned by RJR Nabisco and published entirely in Spanish, announces the debut of an English-language page, "English Lifebleat," while congressional Democrats demand that a special prosecutor be named by Attorney General Jerry Springer to look into allegations that President Wink Martindale arrogantly and repeatedly flossed his teeth in full view of everyone at official state functions.

The first American Pope, Richard Simmons (Pope Pinky I), indicates new Vatican policies on sexuality and low-fat eating practices. And the American public is alarmed over the new home cloning kits.

Male bag

In the mail last week, we received this missive from a reader in Pawtucket:

Dearest P&J,
It's interesting how readily you accept Myrth York's "pragmatic politics" ["Matters of opinion and perspective," October 2] but are always so eager to lambaste President Clinton on the same strategy. No doubt, extra servings of hypocrisy are on the menu at Casa Diablo. Bon appetite! (sic)
-- Buddy V.

There's an obvious difference here, Buddy. Let's take the issue of lesbigay affairs, one of the areas where Myrth's currently moderate rhetoric has been criticized. What's different is that President Clinton has actually done things (e.g., craft out the ludicrous "don't ask, don't tell" policy for the military, sign the so-called "Defense of Marriage Act") that have affected the community. Ms. York is merely guilty of rhetoric. And while we agree that she has been overly cautious, we haven't seen any great evidence of backsliding.

When action was called for and she was in a position to do something in the state Senate, York was a leader in addressing civil-rights legislation and Vo Dilun's archaic sodomy law. In our book, actions speak louder than words. And by the way, Buddy, if Myrth is elected, depend on your superior correspondents to be all over her like a cheap suit if we detect backsliding.

Innerviews

Phillipe and Jorge's considerable thanks to our still fave-rave Republican, Nancy Mayer, for not trying to claim she never made the "sissy with a glass jaw" remark about Sherbet Whitebread to your superior correspondents -- or that it was not meant to be repeated.

While Nancy did make the remark during what she described at a debate last week as a "lighthearted" interview, Phillipe stopped the conversation after this to guarantee the remark was on the record. Indeed, we've seen enough people start to pull the trigger with the gun facing backwards to know that Nancy's would be an explosive comment in print.

Actually, "a lighthearted interview" is what the Providence Night School of Journalism (Read: the former Leo's, which numbers P&J among its graduates, along with the Urinal's distinguished columnist Bob Kerr and State House ace reporter Scotty "F. Alger" MacKay) technically calls "Interview Lite." Phillipe and Jorge usually prefer to employ the more cultured and informative "Interview High Life" or, our personal favorite, the challenging and sophisticated "Interview Absurdicus," which should not be tried at home and should be used only by licensed professionals.

A fine example of the latter is listening to Governor Bigfoot and his two henchman, Ed "Black Pope" Morabito and John "Monsieur Pompadour" Holmes, explain why it's okay to take campaign funds from the folks at Edwards & Angell and Addit, Porkem & Seeya or Fleet Wideboy Terry Murray, all of whom face lawsuits from the DEPCO board that Bigfoot chairs.

Insulting our intelligence

Well, quite the excitement this week when the local Dems and GOP brought in big names to campaign for gubernatorial candidates Myrth York and incumbent Linc Almond.

Personally, the appeal of Hillary Rodham Cuckold or New Yawk Mayor Rudy Giuliani is a bit lost on your superior correspondents. Giuliani, after all, has all of the charm of a ferret with a bad rug, while the First Lady has become more of a figure requiring sympathy for being married to the cigar-smoking King of Zipper Problems.

In Giuliani's case, we love the offhand slight to Italian-Americans, who, GOP honchos no doubt believe, all vote the same way, as they are too ignorant to make up their minds independently. And Mrs. Billary's insular and overly protected visit (no questions from those right-wing conspiracy-involved media allowed) only serves to remind P&J of the overwhelming paranoia of the First Couple and the embarrassing failure of the feminist element that so strongly supports York to accost Clinton for his wonderful fidelity to Ms. "Call me Tammy Wynette."

Hey, Bob Healey, still got plans for Barney? Somehow a large purple dinosaur seems a lot more credible and real than this pair. estic violence in our midst and help us to rededicate efforts to eradicate it.

Jockular

P&J stumbled across an interesting scenario in Urinal soccer writer Doug Chapman's Sunday, October 11 column, which told how New England Revolution midfielder Edwin Gorter was fined $20,000 for using a racial epithet against a teammate with whom he was fighting during a post-season scrimmage. Gorter, a Dutchman who is white, uttered the remark to David Nakhid, who is black and the captain of the Trinidad and Tobago national team.

Chapman described the scene: "Nakhid continued to complain. Gorter cursed at him, and Gorter cursed back. Then Gorter shouted, `Get away from me you lack (expletive deleted).' A shuffle broke out that was quickly broken up."

Evidently, the other players feared that Nakhid or Gorter risked serious injuries doing a fast buck-and-wing together, so they stepped into the fray. But it appears that we can confidently read between the lines and know that the "expletive deleted" was obviously "minstrel."

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