Shame

Pundits continue to be baffled as to how the Philanderer-in-Chief manages to retain such high favorability ratings despite all the fallout from the Monica "Bubbles" Lewinsky revelations. Our theory is that, in the waning days of the millennium, the country's primary concern is to be entertained and the soap opera of Bubba and Bubbles has certainly done that.

But despite Clinton's remarkable ability to hang in there, the calls for impeachment, resignation or (it would seem in the case of Mr. Starr) chemical castration are growing, if ever so slowly. We think it would be more fitting to make Bill travel the country in a Bozo the Clown outfit, accompanied by a more suitable sidekick than Al Gore -- Jimmy Swaggart.

Let's face it: the BeloJo's Bob Kerr is right when he says that the guy is a laughingstock and that there's no way that Clinton or his lawyers or spin doctors will be able to turn that around. Even though the argument that the guy has been an effective leader of considerable accomplishment has merit, we believe that, from now on, everything he does, virtually everything, will be colored by his monumental character flaws. A dog in heat just won't hunt. Sans moral authority, the best course is resignation. But we don't see that happening tomorrow, next week or next month. It will be a slow, agonizing decline beforehand.

It's a shame in so many, many ways. If Clinton could face himself and reality more squarely, he'd realize that, if he leaves sooner rather than later, his legacy will be looked on far more kindly years from now. But we know Bill Clinton, and he won't do that. It's a shame.

Bubbles and Bubba

So your superior correspondents are left wondering whether Bob Guccione has sent Ken Starr a congratulatory note and a complimentary gold neck chain for pulling off something that Mr. Penthouse hasn't -- getting a number of mainstream newspapers to print up a batch of pornography for our perusal. Those who couldn't wait for the papers, of course, were downloading madly late Friday afternoon. And while it was undoubtedly disappointing for Springer Nation to realize that "the good parts" weren't underlined or otherwise marked in colorful highlight, there is something to be said for a guy who got America reading again.

Naturally, Casa Diablo quickly located the "good parts." And we're certain that virtually all of our readers are now running around with cigars in their mouths intoning, "It tastes good" or trying to reach congressmen Jim Tanner, John Chapman and Sonny Callahan on the phone to ask, "Guess what I'm doing right now?" Still, we find other elements of the report far more bizarre. Here are some of the thoughts that immediately spring to mind:

If the President's genetic markers on the Gap dress "are characteristic of one out of 7.87 trillion Caucasians," doesn't that give him a little wriggle room? Informal research conducted by Phillipe & Jorge shortly before nodding off to sleep the other night estimates that there are 7.87 trillion and six actual Caucasians on the planet.

"In the course of flirting with him, she raised her jacket in the back and showed him the straps of her thong underwear." So, if Monica is unable to secure work in New York, at least we know that she's fully equipped for selling hot dogs on the roadside in Coventry. Will Altoids now become the stocking stuffer of choice for young swains on the make to give to their girlfriends?

Romantic Interlude #1 -- "Ms. Lewinsky and the President went into the area of the private study, according to Ms. Lewinsky. There, either in the hallway or the bathroom, she and the President kissed. After a few minutes, in Ms. Lewinsky's recollection, she told him that she needed to get back to her desk. The President suggested that she bring him some slices of pizza."

Romantic Interlude #2 -- "After phone sex late one night, the President fell asleep mid-conversation."

Romantic Interlude #3 -- "According to Ms. Lewinsky, she questioned the President about his interest in her. 'I asked him why he doesn't ask me any questions about myself, and . . . is this just about sex . . . or do you have some interest in trying to get to know me as a person?' The President laughed and said, according to Ms. Lewinsky, that `he cherishes the time that he had with me.' She considered it 'a little bit odd' for him to speak of cherishing their time together 'when I felt like he didn't really even know me yet.' "

The dangers of translation

Casa Diablo regular Jill "Girl Who Is Tip Top With Money" sent the following excerpts from an interview with Madonna that originally appeared in the Hungarian magazine Blikk. The interview questions were posed to Madonna in Hungarian, then translated into English, and then back to Hungarian for the writer. The story was then published in Hungarian, and this is the translation back to English. (Are you following all this?)

Blikk: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies in response.

Madonna: Thank you for saying these compliments (holds up hands). Please stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my garments for all to see (laughs). This is a joke I have made.

Blikk: Madonna, let's cut to toward the hunt. Are you a bold hussy-woman that feasts on men who are tops?

Madonna: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather playtoys that also makes my day.

Blikk: Is this how you met Carlos, your love servant who is reputed? Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

Madonna: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards to those questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscle-trained by him not a sex machine.

Blikk: May we talk about your other "baby," your movie, then? Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty-food, Grammys -- all these elements are afoot.

Madonna: What is up in the air with you? Evita never was winning a Grammy!

Blikk: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your reputation along a rocky road, can you make people forget the bad explosions of Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise?

Madonna: I am a tip-top starlet. That is the job that I am paid to do.

Blikk: There is much interest in you from this geographical region, so I must ask this final question: How many Hungarian men have you dated in bed? Are they No. 1? How are they comparing to Argentine men, who are famous for being tip-top as well?

Madonna: Well, to avoid aggravating global tension, I won't say. It's a tie (laughs). No, no, I am serious now. See, here I am working like a canine all the way around the clock! I am too busy even to try the goulash that makes your country for the record books.

Blikk: Thank you for your candid chitchat.

Madonna: No problem, friend who is a girl.

Kudos and congrats

Once again, sombreros off to WJAR-Channel 10, for their continuing series of documentary presentations by in-house producer/director/writer Bob Rose. Bob's most recent, The Hidden History of Pirates, airs this evening (Thursday, September 17) at 7 p.m., to be followed by another seafaring tale, Rose's earlier Sharks: Villains or Victims. Despite the fact that owning a television franchise is practically a license to print money, few stations are willing to put up the resources to regularly produce this type of high-quality local programming. Bob Colonna hosts this fast-paced half-hour that looks at Vo Dilun's pirate legacy through dramatizations, interviews and historic reenactments. While we've got our fingers crossed that there will be a sequel about the greatest modern-day pirate ship of them all, the USS General Assembly, you'll enjoy spotting local thespians like Tim Crowe and Lenny Cabral. There's also an interview with Casa Diablo regular Bert Parker, who has yet to find the pirate treasure alleged to be buried on the grounds of his estate in Jamestown. We'll help next time we're there, Bert.

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