Tits on a bull

What good is the state Democratic Party, you may ask? Not much, if recent developments are anything to go by. The once-cherished endorsements handed out by party hacks are now worth virtually nothing, as attorney general candidate Bill Guglietta will be happy to tell you in September, when he finishes third behind Sherbet Whitebread and Eva "If this van's rockin', don't start knockin' " Mancuso in the Democratic primary.

Making matters worse was the recent selection of Pahtucket attorney William Lynch, son of former Pahtucket mayor Dennis Lynch, as Democratic Party ramrod. No doubt, Dem bigwigs would have preferred that Lynch's ascension hadn't been knocked down a few slots on the evening news by his appearance as the defense lawyer for a Providence deputy sheriff who'd been involved in a barroom brawl in Misquamicut and had used his handcuff keys to unlock the shackles on one of the fighters.

Richard James, whom Lynch succeeded as party chair after James was tossed out on his ass for lacking the appropriate vim and vigor in assailing Governor Bigfoot on behalf of gubernatorial wannabe Myrth York, must surely be having a hearty last laugh.

Delivering a message

Phillipe and Jorge were quite upset, but hardly surprised, to receive the following notice with our Sunday edition of the Urinal:

AFTER 6 YEARS, I AM RETIRING AS OF TODAY. THE "NEW" JOURNAL HAS MADE MANY CHANGES THAT I AM NOT HAPPY WITH. THE MAIN SECTIONS OF THE SUNDAY JOURNAL HAVE BEEN LATE MANY WEEKS LATELY, WHICH MAKES ME RUN LATE. THE MAJORITY OF THE PRICE INCREASES HAVE NOT GONE TO THE CARRIERS. (WE ARE SUBCONTRACTORS -- WE DO NOT WORK FOR THE JOURNAL.) IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP WHEN YOUR NEW CARRIER STARTS, PLEASE CALL ME OR DROP ME A LINE. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUBSCRIPTIONS OVER THE YEARS. -- N.N.

Well, we very gratefully accept the thanks from our delivery person, which is more than we have received from the "real" employees at the BeloJo. Perhaps they're too occupied counting their stock profits from the sale of the paper to a company in Dallas to pay attention to such common courtesies.

Good luck, N.N., and thanks for caring. Let them eat cake, eh, Mr. Hamblett?

Vo Dilun malady crops up again

Your superior correspondents have to assume that a certain medical disability flourished back in the good old days of the late '70s and early '80s in Cranston Republican circles (Taft's disease?), days when Ed DiPrete was mayor and Jerry Jeremiah was city solicitor.

Of course, the Gerbster continues to be challenged by this problem, along with, it seems, his former solicitor, who, thanks to his pal Ed, was elevated to a position as justice on the Rhode Island Family Court in 1987.

The Other Paper reported on Saturday that a year ago January, Chief Judge Jeremiah, as a member of the Governor's Justice Commission advisory group, was one of the 14 members who voted unanimously to obtain a $56,000 federal grant for the nonprofit Rhode Island Juvenile Officers Association. This is all well and good except for the fact that the RIJOA happens to be a tenant of Judge Jeremiah's, in a building at 995 Park Avenue in Cranston. Does the phrase "conflict of interest" mean anything?

"Holy mackerel, I never even thought of that," said our Jerry when the obvious was pointed out to him. While Phillipe & Jorge don't think there was anything sinister in all of this, we do wonder whether Judge Jeremiah continues to suffer from a very Vo Dilun vision disorder, wherein public officials are virtually blind to anything that smacks of a conflict or the appearance of one. This disease appears to have been particularly rampant in the aforementioned Cranston of the late '70s and '80s. We suggest that the judge seek medical help.

Votto on driving blotto

Speaking of Cranston, the vacancy in City Hall created by Mayor Michael Trafficante's decision not to seek reelection (in the wake of a host of ethical questions) means that there's a real race for mayor this year. Two weeks ago, Channel 10 hosted the Democratic Party candidates on its Sunday morning chat show. And Joseph Mariah, spewing out non-sequiturs from the side of his mouth like a cartoon wise guy, and state Senator John O'Leary, looking more dead than alive, certainly revealed some personality differences. Too bad they didn't reveal any compelling reasons to support either one of them.

This past Sunday, 10 brought on the Republicans, endorsed candidate Ray Votto and state Representative Brock Bierman. As some of you know, Cool, Cool World has looked favorably on Bierman's work in the General Assembly over the years. Indeed, his independence and integrity mark him as one of the good guys. Votto, on the other hand, seems to want his cake and to eat it to.

A former Democrat who became an Independent a decade ago, Ray was asked whether his switch to the GOP days before receiving the city party's endorsement recently indicated that he was a Republican by convenience. He said "no" and then went on to explain in such a way as to underscore why this was exactly the case. He also took what seemed contradictory positions on the concept of politician as role model.

On the one hand, Votto said that even if Clinton isn't guilty of a crime, he should step down from office if it is revealed that he lied in "la affair Lewinsky." On the other hand, Votto expressed the belief that the media should not delve into the private affairs of public officials.

In an exchange that provided the highlight of the interview, Votto blurted out, "Take drunk driving, for instance. That's a private issue." Channel 10's Dyana Koelsch nearly dropped her clipboard. Guess it's a private issue unless you're caught. Then it's a crime.

After Votto's performance, in which he provided plenty of non-answer answers and basically failed to reveal any policy ideas for the city, P&J have to wonder why Governor Bigfoot and Trafficante are both supporting this turkey. Couldn't have anything to do with status-quo politics-as-usual now, could it? Your superior correspondents continue to believe that Bierman offers Cranston the best choice.

Who paid for this?

Channel 6 continues to astound us. First, there was the business about covering a story on scam artists posing as water-supply workers by having a news crew show up in a Nought Providence neighborhood and pose as scam artists posing as plumbers. (What's next, posing as robbers for a story on bank security?)

Then there was the bizarre moment on Sunday's 6 News On the Record program when, after airing an exclusive report with Sean Daly interviewing a young man accosted at knifepoint at an ATM machine, the station cut back to panel member M. Charles Bakst, who went off on a tirade about why the young man had a baseball cap on backwards. Daly listened impassively rather than suggest (as P&J might have) that the young man may have wanted to conceal a hairdo not unlike Charlie Bakst's.

Sheer class

As P&J race through Casa Diablo looking for any bit of clothing with semen stains on it to donate to the Smithsonian Museum, we must admit we are a bit sad that the American presidency has reached such a hideous, gutter-level state of offensiveness.

Your superior corespondents can only imagine what our fate would have been had we mentioned anything about precious bodily fluids in front of our parents while growing up. Today, however, discussion of fellatio and semen stains appear to be the coin of the realm.

Personally, we'll stick with the views of the estimable Jack Newfield, late of the Village Voice and currently a New York Post columnist. Newfield wrapped up a recent piece with the following: "Clinton's real story is a Tysonesque case of insatiable adolescent appetites for personal pleasure and invincible hubris, causing amazing recklessness and self-damage."

The longer Democrats keep their heads buried in the sand over this -- take a bow, Jack Reed, Bob "Dorian" Weygand, and Boy Patrick Kennedy -- the worse of an example President Billary's dalliances and prevarications will become to anyone intending to get away with murder because they are in a position of power.

With matters of semen and blow jobs becoming de rigueur reading for juveniles, P&J are reminded of one of the most telling apocryphal stories of the sexual revolution, in which two young boys are talking on their way to elementary school:

Boy 1: "My parents are away, and my brother had a big party last night. And when I walked out on the patio this morning, I found a condom."

Boy 2: "What's a patio?"

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