A confederacy of dunces

The State House is a wonderful place to take your skin for a crawl, especially when it involves a hearing featuring laughable state Representative Brian "Walking Eagle" Kennedy.

Not content to embarrass just himself, Kennedy has now managed to make the normally savvy House Finance Committee chair, Tony Pires, sink to his level in trying to protect Walking Eagle and his moronic, power-grabbing DEM reorganization (sic) bill.

So it was that Pires attempted to pass off Governor Bigfoot's ridicule of Kennedy's legislation as grandstanding just prior to a Finance Committee hearing on the DEM bill on May 18. Was Big Linc's catering to the environmental community inside hardball from a newborn tree-hugger? You betcha. But anytime someone hands you a political piñata like Kennedy's bill, you'd be insane not to tee off on it.

Of course, Bigfoot's one-upmanship prompted Pires to put on an extremely lame 20-minute extravaganza of covering his own ass, as he and the rest of the House leadership have become laughingstocks in the wake of their putting up Walking Eagle, the developers' biggest butt boy, to his charade of public hearings in an attempt to gut environmental protection in the Biggest Little.

While Kennedy seems able to tell straight-faced lies as well as Bill Clinton, Pires disgraced himself in covering for Walking Eagle. And one only needs to grasp the upshot -- Pires saying that from now on, his Finance Committee would handle any political negotiations concerning the bill to prevent any more egg on his red face -- to know that Walking Eagle is finished.

As for Pires, if he had any real thoughts of running for governor, his dreams have gone up in smoke.

And how is Walking Eagle handling the public criticism he has received from anyone with a positive IQ, which he, unfortunately, lacks? Very well, if leaving ranting messages on a reporter's answering machine -- in which he refers to the ink-stained wretch as "scum" -- is any indication.

Hats off to those voters in Hopkinton who put this bozo in office -- you are so well represented.

John Hawkes, writer

Phillipe & Jorge were saddened to discover last Sunday afternoon that John Hawkes, the novelist and longtime Brown University professor, had passed away from a stroke suffered during a heart-bypass operation at Rhode Island Hospital. The New York Times obituary culled this quote from an interview with Hawkes in the early '60s: "I began to write fiction on the assumption that the true enemies of the novel were plot, character, setting and theme, and having once abandoned these familiar ways of thinking about fiction, totality of fiction or structure was really all that remained. And structure -- verbal and psychological coherence -- is still my largest concern as a writer."

As can be imagined from this quote, John Hawkes's writing was not for everyone. He didn't pen best sellers or by-the-numbers potboilers. He was a master of language, without being precious, and the narrative voices in his fiction had an astonishing breadth. If you love beautifully crafted, lyrical writing, P&J suggest you pick up Blood Oranges (1971) or Travesty (1976), two of our favorites.

But not only was Hawkes a writer who will be treasured for years to come, he was the father of Richard Hawkes, who, back when this publication was known as the NewPaper, contributed weekly puzzle features. And Sophie, Mr. Hawkes's daughter, was one of the original wave of waitresses at the legendary Leo's, almost all of whom went on to distinguish themselves in theater and the arts. (Sophie eventually became an award-winning translator of French art books.)

For Phillipe & Jorge, who also toiled at Leo's and the NewPaper, John Hawkes seemed like part of the extended family. He was a great artist who will be sorely missed.

Shot down in May

The huge outpouring of emotion over the passing of Frank Sinatra was not exactly a surprise. After all, he was one of the most remarkable and enduring cultural icons of this century, while Sinatra's mystique undoubtedly benefitted from the Jekyll-and-Hyde nature of his personality.

Indeed, it was always difficult to reconcile the guy who recorded the emotionally overwhelming Wee, Small Hours of the Morning album with the cretin who once ate breakfast on the bare buttocks of a Vegas stripper. Oh, well. We understand that in his later years, he mellowed and was very nice to Mrs. Zeppo.

But, of course, as we have been reminded countless times since news of Sinatra's passing became known, his music is what will endure. As the former D'oyly Carte star and current head ramrod of Vo Dilun's own Beavertail productions, Tom Lawlor, noted to your superior correspondents last Sunday, "Opera singers could learn an awful lot about singing from him."

Still, reports that the reaction of many people was an unrestrained urge to rush down to the video store and rent Dirty Dingus Magee were a bit, shall we say, weird. We also assume that people are rushing about intoning, "Ring-a-ding-ding, Clyde," but it has been our great fortune not to have run into any of this ilk.

Just as weird was the Bud-I's proclamation that flags in the city would be flown at half-staff for a week. We might want to remind the mayor that Frank was from Hoboken -- not Our Little Towne.

Gee, wonder how many days the flag would fly at half-mast if Governor Bigfoot were to kick the bucket.

Quick cuts

We're certainly glad to see that M. Charles Bakst has recovered from his recent hospital stay and is back in full swing. We only wish that doctors operating on his insides might have done a little corrective surgery on his hair . . .

. . . Speaking of hair, reports continue to filter in at Casa Diablo that Seldom Whitebread, Weldon Bighouse, or whatever his name is (you know, that recently resigned US Attorney guy who is about to announce his candidacy for attorney general any day now) may be tampering with his mop. Has some Grecian Formula been added? We don't know for sure, but at recent events, Sheldon's hair has appeared surprisingly youthful and lifelike. Not sure whether this will help his chances, but Phillipe & Jorge pledge that attorney general hairdos will continue to be a subject of speculation in this column . . .

. . . No hairdo changes for DEM nemesis Brian Kennedy, but the zany representative is still the leading Alfred E. Neuman lookalike in elective office in the Biggest Little . . .

. . . Best idea for a campaign fund-raiser so far this year goes to state Representative Brock Bierman, who is running in the GOP primary for mayor of Cranston. Bierman hosted an event last Friday evening at the Valley Country Club with an Elvis imitators theme. Kudos to Brock's press secretary, veteran DJ "Big John" Bina, who was the brains behind this surreal evening.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz

While Phillipe and Jorge have always endorsed the view of sardonic sociologist Paul Fussell in believing that a Mercedes-Benz automobile is an "obscene car, driven only by African Cabinet ministers and Beverly Hills dentists," it looks like the German automaker has stuck it to the Yanks by buying out Chrysler only years after the American taxpayers pulled Lee Iacocca's chestnuts from the fire. Don the kneepads please, Mr. and Mrs. America.

P&J also found it amusing to read various stories about how this might prove a shot in the arm for workers here in the US of A, who supposedly might acquire some of the impressive benefits that German workers enjoy. Right.

To put this in perspective, Mercedes executives view the average American worker in the same unflattering light that we view Mexican and Asian workers, whom our big corporations shop menial tasks out to for low wages, because it is unskilled labor. The typical German automobile worker has endured a rigorous apprenticeship en route to his or her high-skills job -- a career track that makes your typical Detroit rivethead a dunce in comparison.

Good benefits? The Germans are about as apt to do that as Nike is to begin paying a living wage to the Vietnamese and Thais in their Southeast Asian sweatshops. So the next time you see a big international company gobble up a US corporation, remember whothe Eloi are and who the Morlocks are. Congratulations, US Department of Education.

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