License plate mania

Like everyone else, we were riveted by the flurry of stories in the last week about the Great Vo Dilun License Plate Lottery. Now that the highly coveted plates are awarded at random through a lottery system rather than through the usual Biggest Little method of handing them over to highly placed political cronies, there is much breathless anticipation over who will get that incredibly valuable three-digit plate.

But while the rest of the country undoubtedly engages in a lot of head-scratching over the Vo Dilun obsession with low-numbered plates, at least we have not become as perverse as Florida. Last week, legislators in the Sunshine State approved a specialty plate with the inscription "Choose Life."

Well, Phillipe and Jorge have no idea what the phrase has to do with the state of Florida, but this obvious state-sponsored marketing of a well-known anti-abortion slogan may have further ramifications. Indeed, emboldened by this encroachment into the realm of the political, other states controlled by right-wing legislatures now might feel that they have the green light to put divisive political themes on their license plates. How long before we see Georgia adopt the slogan "No Homos" or before we witness the friends of Jesse Helms in North Carolina push to have a motto like "Tobacco is good for you" or "Segregation Redux" inscribed on their plates?

If this new trend ever catches on in Rhode Island, P&J believe that we have the ideal motto for the license-plate-mad Biggest Little. You'll recall that one of the definitive moments in the Stanley Kubrick film Spartacus occurs when the Roman authorities are trying to ferret out the slave leader from among a throng of captured insurrectionists. When they ask for Spartacus, the entire crowd begins standing, one by one, and shouting, "I'm Spartacus."

Our suggestion would be to have the new Rhode Island motto "I'm Orabona" affixed to license plates throughout the state, to let those pesky state police know that the driver is indeed "connected."

Hitting the nail on the head

Phillipe and Jorge have to hand it to former governor Ed "Gerber Baby" DiPrete for his brain-detached use and interpretations of English. First, the Gerb was "vindicated" when the racketeering charges against him and his son, Dennis the Menace, were thrown out due to the work of the Three Stooges prosecution team of Attorney General Jeff Pine.

Now, the Gerb is "surprised" and "baffled" by the state Supreme Court's published decision to return the case to Superior Court to be retried, even though the majority of Vo Dilunduhs would wish to see this happen as well.

In expressing his dismay, Gerber Baby cited the questionable musings of his mouthpiece, Boston attorney Richard Egbert. "To say those things happened and then not punish the wrongdoers," DiPrete told the Urinal, "I'll go back to what my lawyer Richard Egbert said Saturday, that decision -- and these are his words -- says it's okay to be a criminal in Rhode Island provided you work for the government."

Well, P&J also have been saying just that for years, but geez, Eddie, we thought that was your defense.

Highways to hell

Sur-prahze, sur-prahze, as Gomer Pyle would say -- the Biggest Little runs the least effective highway system in the US, paying three times the national average to keep our Black Hole of Calcutta potholes in axle-snapping condition.

Why we pay so much is a matter of debate for the survey's author, but your superior correspondents are appalled that anyone here in Vo Dilun would think that it might involve past kickbacks to DOT officials and/or intentional and unjustified cost overruns by preferred contractors. (Can you say "Jamestown Bridge," boys and girls?)

And while others blame the $38 million debt service the department is forced to pay this year (out of a $96 million total budget), it would be impolite for P&J to ask how the debt got so high.

In a related story, former DOT director Dante Buffoon, who left the DOT bankrupt, is now employed by the Department of Administration at a salary exceeding $100,000. That's showing 'em, eh?

Soul on ice

The flags go to half-mast at Casa Diablo for former Black Panther and wizard of invention and reinvention, Eldridge Cleaver. His book, Soul On Ice, was an integral part of P&J's reading list during our Wonder Years. And Eldridge was no less brilliant in his role as the Panthers' minister of information in the late 1960s, stirring the pot on race issues like few before him or since.

However, Eldridge's mind did tend to wander in his later years. And, as a result, society will forever be indebted to him for his famous "Cleaver pants," which featured a codpiece and attached penis sheath that could accommodate a two-pound linguica.

Cleaver also sought his own path in politics and religion, becoming at various times a Marxist and born-again Christian, forming the Cleaver Crusade for Christ, and then his own religion, "Christlam" and its wonderfully named auxiliary, "Guardians of the Sperm." He then turned to Mormonism, and is believed to have set the record for the most times a Mormon has been arrested for burglary and possession of crack, breaking the old mark held by Orrin Hatch.

Cleaver is survived by his parents, Ward and June, and by brothers Wally, of Los Angeles, and the Beav, of Danbury State Prison for the Criminally Insane.

Death for sale

They're selling postcards of the hanging
They're painting the passports brown
The beauty parlor's filled with sailors
The circus is in town.
-- "Desolation Row," 1965

Yes, old Zimmy was picking up on the marvelous sideshow atmosphere of the never-ending marketplace years before it became apparent to the rest of us. Indeed, it was just last week that P&J's old pal David Preston gave a call to Casa Diablo to marvel at an in-house ad he chanced upon in the Sunday BeloJo.

Touting the services of the paper's Web site, it reads: "Looking for a recent obituary? You can find it on projo.com, the Web site of the Providence Journal-Bulletin."

Of course, given the demographics of a newspaper like the Journal, marketing death as a promotional strategy is truly a canny stroke. The only problem is that the ad does not include any of the valuable information necessary for placing an obit in the BeloJo. For instance, little tips like "If you have a colorful nickname, be sure to include it" and "We're searching for photos of the deceased that are at least 30 years old" were noticeably missing.

This brings us to the recent passing of Mr. Angus Hebb -- and what this also says about the BeloJo. You see, Mr. Hebb, a much admired businessman and environmentalist, passed away last week. And John Hazen White even took out a full-page Red Alert! ad to mourn the passing of his friend.

What interested your superior correspondents, however, was what the obituary item reveals about how the BeloJo treats different people. The item did not mention until 18 paragraphs down that Hebb had "died of a single gunshot wound to his head."

It seems to P&J that the paper of record has a varying standard for how such tragedies are reported. If you are a relative "nobody" or a target of the paper and your death occurs at your own hand, you can bet that the obit will point this out right at the top of the obituary, if not in a headline. (Remember prosecutor Michael Burns, whose recent suicide was splashed across the Journal's front page?) Certain distinctions do matter in the BeloJo, despite what anyone tells you.

Celebrity watch

It is nice to see that a few of P&J's close personal friends are keeping a high profile. First, Max Alexander, former drinkmaster at the late, lamented Leo's and now entertainment editor at People after a stint on the Left Coast as editor of Variety, popped up on Entertainment Tonight to offer his thoughts on the stunning success of Titanic star Leonardo DiCrappio.

And in the May issue of The Atlantic Monthly, the Pawtucket Red Sox are highlighted in a story on New England's favorite vacation places, with Nicholas Lemann touting the special virtues of attending a PawSox game. "There are still a few places where there is honor in provincialism, and one of them is McCoy Stadium," he says.

One can never say enough about what a jewel owner Ben Mondor has created over in Pahtucket, including putting together a staff of the nicest and most talented people in pro sports in president Mike Tamburro, general manager Lou Schwechheimer, and the rest of the gang.

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