Pfun pfrom Pfizer

All Phillipe and Jorge can say is that this new drug, Viagra, is a hell of a lot more fun than the last great breakthrough, olestra. Indeed, thanks to the good folks at Pfizer, we can look forward to more than just sitting in front of the TV, watching gladiator movies, eating silicon-based potato chips, and making sure our Depends are snug enough to endure a calamity.

As you may have guessed when the report came out that Pfizer had requested the Vatican's moral stamp of approval on Viagra (chemical name: Erectalot), the company also hopes to obtain an equally high-level endorsement of their boner pill from other pillars of society -- that is, your superior correspondents.

But while we would like to offer our full-throated endorsement, P&J do have some misgivings over the safety of Viagra. These concerns arose, so to speak, when we gave the pill its road test at Casa Diablo. A mere hour after ingesting the drug, Phillipe happened to turn quickly in the Boom Boom Room (where the experiment was staged), causing his now-rampant pocket monkey to knock a priceless Ming vase off a side table and to tear a Mondrian off the wall.

Jorge, in the meantime, already had fully succumbed, letting out a loud whinny and leaping from the balcony onto Eduardo the gardener, who had made the rather critical mistake of stripping down to cut-offs while tending to the flower beds below.

Suffice it to say that "uprooting" took on new significance that afternoon and that Eduardo was at least mollified when he discovered that Jorge's enhanced equipment proved to be a wonderful divining rod, walking J. around the backyard and successfully locating a spot for a new well.

Despite these minor drawbacks, P&J have supplied Pfizer with their blessing of Viagra. In return, we will receive a lifetime supply of the drug. And if things keep up the way they have since the test run, it shouldn't be too long before one or the other of your superior correspondents "takes a hot" while in the throes of passion.

But first we must raise a glass in tribute to modern technology and echo the proud phrase, "Better living through chemistry."

. . . but we play them on TV

Let's see. We've got an Attorney General's office that has the clouds of a renegade task force and incompetence during the racketeering trial of an ex-governor hanging over it. Add to this an attorney general who, quite understandably, has decided that getting hit in the head with a brick every day might not be worth a salary that is about one-quarter of what he (or any other competent lawyer) might make in private practice.

All of these are fairly meaty issues that should be dominating the race to replace current A.G. Jeffrey "Pinetop" Pine. But instead, we have the two announced candidates from the Democratic Party arguing over TV commercials. Welcome to Vo Dilun.

Essentially, Eva Mancuso's ongoing appearances in TV ads for her law firm have opponent Bill Guglietta's knickers in a twist because he views them as inherently promoting her campaign to become the Biggest Little's next top law person. To this P&J have said all along that Guglietta is absolutely correct -- the visibility Mancuso receives from the spots is invaluable, especially since she is running against a person with virtually no name recognition.

But Mancuso also very correctly points out -- or at least her hired mouthpiece, the Urinal's own media legal eagle, Joe Cavanaugh, did at a recent Board of Elections hearing -- that the ads were running long before she had the gleam in her eye for the A.G. slot.

Personally, P&J think Guglietta would have a better shot arguing against Mancuso's ads before the Rhode Island Council on the Arts. He could point out the horrible taste involved in selling one's services as a personal injury attorney (read: pursuer of vehicles with flashing lights). But since Trenchcoat Twins Abrams & Verri and odious social climber Brian Cunha have made personal injury ads as "Vo Dilun" as mobsters and lobsters, P&J doubt that anyone believes these are a political consultant's flash of genius.

Actually, Guglietta should be happy that Mancuso stays within the mind-numbing formula used by her colleagues at Hamel, Waxler, Allen & Collins. Rather than letting Eva flash her wicked wit, the commercials make all of them appear as though they are filming a hostage tape with a two-by-four lodged firmly between their buttocks.

The view from Norway

Your superior correspondents are always thrilled to receive international mail from our far-flung correspondents around the globe and were therefore pleased when we spied this missive from former Vo Dilunduh Dr. Helle V. Winther-Hansen, nee Goldman, from Tromso, Norway. It always gives us a sense of how the rest of the world views us here in the land we like to call "The United States of America." Here is the gist of the communication:

Dear Phillipe & Jorge,

It might give you two at Casa Diablo a moment of amusement to learn that when I asked my Norwegian husband for his advice about what contribution I could make to the American presentation at the International Open Day at the school where I, along with other immigrants in Norway, diligently attempt to get my mouth around those nasty Norwegian vowels on a thrice-daily basis in order to become productive members of this fine and highly evolved nation, he answered with rather alarming facility, "Bring an electric chair."

I had been thinking more along the lines of plump tollhouse cookies, a smiley face button, and a poster of the Rhode Island state shell (the quahog, of course; one can't help wonder what states like Nebraska do for state shells -- perhaps they simply leave that category blank on their list of state symbols). The idea of an electric chair -- in my mind I was already assembling it from some old belts and the innards of a few recently discarded small kitchen appliances -- began to take hold of my imagination.

"But darling," I said, recalling that Russia is the only industrialized democracy in the world besides the United States that still employs the death penalty, "what if my Russian classmates bring one, too?"

"Well," he said phlegmatically, "strap a child into the thing. I think only you Americans execute juveniles." But, I realized dejectedly, we don't even enjoy that distinction. Though the United States is in the lead in sheer numbers, Yemen, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, and Iran have all executed juveniles in this decade. So it was back to the drawing board to come up with something truly and uniquely American to display to the Norwegian public and the other folks at school. As it turned out, no one did bring an electric chair. They probably assumed I would.

Kudos & congrats . . .

. . . to Casa Diablo regular and East Greenwich High School teacher Jim Etchells, who was roundly praised by his students in an "Our Times" piece in Monday's BeloJo. Yes indeed, Etchells is one great teacher, firing the imaginations and intellects of his many charges over the years. Of course, he has committed the occasional faux pas (i.e., inviting Phillipe & Jorge into the classroom to poison the minds of the next generation), but, hey, as the kids say, he's the best.

. . . to James Dobson, the fiery ultra-right-wing radio psychologist, self-styled Christian crusader, host of "Focus on the Family," and founding father of the Family Research Council. Dobson's continued threats to break with the GOP if they don't toe the line on his take on social issues has the party quaking in its boots. It also has made Dobson the coverboy on this week's US News & World Report. It has been suggested that, if Dobson stays true to his threats, he could sway the election results in at least a half-dozen Senate or House races this year. He already has been mentioned as one of the reasons that Democrat Lois Capps prevailed in a recent California special House election. P&J figure that anyone causing trouble for the Republicans these days is doing the Lord's work.

. . . and a belated tip of the sombrero to John Rector, former head ramrod of the late, lamented Leo's tavern and world meeting center. Rector is one of the forces behind the new food mart inside the old Food Basket on Weybosset Street. The store will open in downtown La Prov in the coming months, and you can be assured that it will be a class production. What with thisnew business, the new six-screen theater, and the impending opening of a bunch of older buildings downtown for real live humans to live in, Providence seems truly on the verge of something great. Forget about the mall -- these developments will be the real spark to make Protown the great city of the 21st century.

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