Milk and cookies all around

Big, big news on the political front last week when our old friend Weldon Shithouse, oops, excuse us (sorry, Tom), Sherbet Whitebread announced he would step down as US attorney for the Biggest Little. It is now only a matter of time before he officially throws his bow tie into the ring for attorney general. No doubt, this will result in a double-dosage-Prozac day for both Eva Mancuso and Bill Guglietta, his would-be contenders in the Democratic primary.

With sincere apologies to our old pal Eva, Whitebread, of course, will have P&J's vote, as our friendship with Sherbet and his lovely and fragrant wife, Sandra, extends back dog years. We particularly appreciate Sheldon's crusading work to remove legislators from state agencies and quasi-government commissions, where the rule of thumb has been the abuse of dubious privilege by the hind-leggers on Smith Hill.

We also value Whitebread's sardonic, self-deprecating sense of humor, so we are sure he will appreciate the following advice -- please, Sherbet, given your Yale and Virginia Law School ultra-white-boy pedigree, try not to use analogies such as, "I am no more an opponent of the legislature on the [issue of legislators sitting on public agency boards] than . . . a person who cuts the ivy that is climbing through the windows of their cottage is an opponent of their ivy."

While one of Whitebread's adoring relatives (and you know who you are, dahling) says that he should have gone full-bore down this route and said "than a person whose ivy is climbing through the windows of the maid's chambers in his castle," P&J suggest a more hearty, blue-collar touch -- one that might even pay homage to Sherbet's most ardent supporter, Captain Blowhard. It goes like this: "I am no more an opponent of the legislature than a person who blows away two raccoons trespassing in his backyard is an opponent of animals."

The baby and the bathwater

Phillipe and Jorge suffered an enormous case of déjà vu last week, when we heard that Judge Susan Webber Cresto of Little Prov, Arkansas, had thrown out the sexual harassment case against President Billary. Of course, our astute reading of Judge Cresto's ruling prompted us to have our security chief, "Major Todd," lead the new pool boys, Raoul and Francois, directly into our boudoir for a quick game of "Name That Snake."

We are sure that Raoul and Francois will grow to enjoy this pastime should they care to continue in our employ and not have the Immigrations and Naturalization Service receive a mysterious phone call concerning their home addresses -- a fact your legal-eagle superior correspondents were quick to point out to our pool boys.

Interested in seeking other views on this earth-shaking news, P&J conducted a few "man in the street" interviews. Here are the reactions:

"I'm vindicated! Ooops, excuse me -- he's vindicated!" enthused Eddie DiGerberbabe of Cranston. "I think it's great that he [Clinton] will now always be regarded as a great statesman, rather than someone who abused the power of his office for personal gain. Personally, I prefer money and real estate to sex, but then again, I'm a Republican."

"I think it's a travesty and they should appeal immediately, after Paula Corbin Jones fires her entire legal team for being buffoons," said Jeff Badrug at his office on Attorney General Pine Street in Providence. "It's obvious that Clinton was withholding evidence, and you're simply not allowed to do that, as everyone knows."

"We're appalled," said no one from the now-void-of-credibility feminist movement.

Musical low notes

Although Phillipe & Jorge have been known to actually take note of issues of importance, we all know that it's the minor irritants in life that really matter, the events that upset or distort our giant funhouse life. This is why we were taken aback to see our fave-rave weather guy, R.J. Heim, taken in by yet another caller during Channel 10's evening news last Saturday.

In the past, of course, it was not unusual to hear 'JAR weathermen announcing that such eminent "weather watchers" as Ben Dover, Harry Butz, and Stu Gotz had called in to report on local temperatures, but this time a woman called R.J. to pass on the misinformation that the late '60s song "Grazing In the Grass" had been performed by the Fifth Dimension.

Sorry, folks, but the song charted twice -- once in 1968 in an all-instrumental performance by the great South African trumpeter Hugh Masakela and then a year later by the LA-based vocal group Friends of Distinction.

We probably would have forgotten about this pop-music faux pas had we not opened up the Sunday BeloJo and read the sad news that Rhode Island songwriting legend Jimmy Crane had passed away. The obit mentioned that among the prominent hit songs penned by the Providence native was something called "Hunt."

Sure, we expect a typo here and there (we even provide a few in the "Cool, Cool World" in order to keep our readers on their toes), but not when it comes to Jimmy's biggest hit, "Hurt," which went to number four for Timi Yuro in 1961 and still enjoys cult status today among Elvis fans. (The Big E recorded it in '76).

By the way, P&J are anxious to hear our pal Charlie Hall's cover of the 1983 Culture Club hit, "Become a, Come-a, Come-a, Come-a, Come-a Comedian."

Driving while black

As legislation on the issue of whether motorists of color are being stopped and searched by law enforcement officials at a ridiculously higher rate than white drivers wends its way through the General Assembly, we have to wonder about those people who seem puzzled by the controversy. You've got to figure that they just don't know any black or Latino folks.

Introduced by state Representative Maria Lopes and state Senator Rhoda Perry, the bill would require state police to record the race of people stopped on the highway -- and whether they were actually arrested for anything. The state police, of course, oppose the bill on the lame grounds that this would be too time-consuming. Yeah, sure.

The fact is that there has been a vast amount of anecdotal evidence indicating that people of color are stopped and searched in much greater numbers than white folks. Your superior correspondents can safely say that we have heard stories about this from almost all of our black friends. It's amazing how many bankers, business people, lawyers, judges, and other pillars of the community have been stopped, with the only possible explanation being the color of their skin.

Since we have only anecdotal evidence to go on, a simple compilation of statistics would, at the very least, reveal with certainty whether such discriminatory practices are as alive and well in the Biggest Little as we suspect.

Superior world

Phillipe & Jorge read with interest the story about the high number of military personnel who have been discharged in recent months for claiming to be homosexual. Could it be that our superior brothers and sisters are finding more fulfilling employment in the private sector? Opportunities sure seem to be opening up.

We note with pride the achievements of Parinya Kiatbusaba, the 16-year-old transvestite Thai kickboxing champion profiled in last Saturday's New York Times. You can't help but love a guy who spends more time applying makeup and red fingernail polish than flexing his muscles before bouts.

Parinya evokes the true meaning of sport when he says, "It is hard to fight beautiful men. I can easily knock them out. On the other hand, I want to hug and kiss them." Parinya has a 20-2 record, with 18 knockouts. You go, boy.

Congratulations also to Darryl Finizio, the 20-year-old Westerly political enthusiast written up in Sunday's BeloJo. Darryl is the first University of Rhode Island student to sit on the Board of Governors for Higher Education. He is also an "out" superior behaviorist and this year's recipient of the Harry S. Truman Scholarship. Smart and accomplished young people like Darryl are opening up doors and minds. Good for him

One strong woman

The flags are at half-mast this week at Casa Diablo in memory of B. Jae Clanton, former head of Rhode Island's Urban League. A true crusader for equality, justice, and the real American Way, she took on the workload of two people as a representative of her organization and her fellow people of color. B. Jae was both an activist and figurehead on the boards of other agencies as well. Thanks for being such a tremendous model of strength and dignity.

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