Slick Willies

Phillipe and Jorge remember our recent visit to the White House so vividly. There was President Billary, doing with your superior correspondents what he claims to have done with "scores" of his male and female friends over the years -- giving us a thoughtful and reassuring hug and planting a soothing kiss on our foreheads. And all of this, of course, came without a hint of sexual overtones (save for an animal appearing to come to life in P&J's Speedos).

To think that this wonderful gentleman had gone so far as to first feel our pain, and then to attempt to whisk it away, simply because we were in despair over the failure of Boogie Nights to garner an Academy Awards nomination for best picture.

Right. And Monica Lewinsky just happened to trip over the carpet in the Oral Office and land with her mouth open in Billary's lap. Once. Twice. And again. And again. And again. But, hey, that's what happens when you wear four-inch heels at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now it's the Battle of the Willies as Kathleen takes on the Slickster and shows Captain Libido her heels in the credibility race. Ms. Willey's performance on 60 Minutes so put the wind up the White House that Billary shoved his mouthpiece, Robert Bennett, in front of the CBS kliegs at the last minute to try to negate Willey's testimony.

Sorry, Bill, but having Bennett stare at the floor, fearful of the slightest eye contact with Ed Bradley, while lamely defending your honor is not exactly what we'd call great bedside manner, if you'll excuse the reference. Other than rocking back and forth with arms clenched around his knees or scratching at his face until he drew blood, Bennett couldn't have looked more uncomfortable.

Not that Billary has been on top of his own prevaricating game lately. His depositions in the Paula Jones case were hilarious. Reading them, P&J recalled Richard Pryor's bit about his young son's wide-eyed explanation for why a vase broke in the living room: "I don't know anything about the vase being broke and it wasn't me because you're not allowed to run in the living room I remember you telling me that not to run in the living room and so I wasn't running in there and then the vase was broke and that's all."

The only thing Billary and Pryor's son left out was the Casa Diablo QED: That proves it!

Swen dive

Economic Development Corporation director John Swen seems to be sporting the biggest Mr. Man complex in government circles these days. Unfortunately, his intelligence quotient seems to be in reverse proportion to his sperm count.

First, Swen blustered that he and the EDC "won't be intimidated" by pesky members of the public (particularly those menacing environmentalists, with their reputation for such ultra-violent acts as savage beach cleanups in the spring) over plans to redevelop Quonset Point and to pave the Bay with 515 acres of dredge spoils.

But, unfortunately for the EDC's macho man, Governor Bigfoot beat a quick retreat on the issue after Swen claimed to have held 10 hearings on the proposed development. Humiliating Swen in front of 500 people at a public hearing at Quonset, Almond vowed that nothing was set in stone and that every effort would be made to include the public.

Then up popped the Army Corps of Engineers, which informed Swen that, as Save the Bay and others had already pointed out, the chances of getting approval to fill in 515 acres of Narragansett Bay were slim to none. Those petty little regulations, such as the federal Clean Water Act, are such a bother, eh, John? Especially when you don't know anything about them.

Not content to have the military tell him what to do, Mr. Swen got his knickers in a twist and alleged that the Army Corps letter had been "leaked to the press." Of course, such a letter is a matter of public record, but it was nice to see that, once again, Swen had little regard for letting the great unwashed know anything about his Uber-plan for Quonset.

Fortunately, other members of the EDC are voicing their concerns for the project, Mr. Man, so you best remember what happened to your predecessor, Marcel Valois, and pull your head in. Just get on with development plans that aren't an affront to both the public and regulators.

On the other hand, those folks in North Kingstown and Jamestown never liked seeing the stars at night anyway. Right, John?

He lived long and prospered

For years, it has been a familiar cry among right-wing cultural critics to blame Dr. Benjamin Spock for creating generations of self-indulgent kids. Now that Dr. Spock has passed away at the ripe age of 94, his numerous obituary tributes give us a greatly needed perspective on what he really had to say about rearing children. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, another noted pediatrician, pointed out that Dr. Spock "gave parents choices and encouraged them to think things out for themselves."

In 1946, when Spock's book on baby and child care was first published, the standard advice given to parents was along strict authoritarian lines and featured such brilliant dictums as "Never, never kiss your child. Never hold it in your lap. Never rock its carriage" (Psychological Care of Infant and Child, 1928, Dr. John B. Watson). So Spock's belief that parents should be empowered to think for themselves and that a happy child would become a happy adult was considered somewhat revolutionary at the time.

Indeed, defenders of the authoritarian model hated Spock and what he had to say. Former vice president Spiro T. "Nolo" Agnew, that great philosopher and moral leader, accused Spock of spreading "permissiveness" throughout the land. (Of course, Agnew, who was busy cheerleading the war in Vietnam when he wasn't shaking down campaign contributors in Maryland, had his own political reasons for attacking Spock -- the doctor was a severe critic of the government's Vietnam policy.) But there is a big difference between encouraging happiness in children and pandering to permissiveness and instant gratification.

Spock knew the difference, even if his severest critics didn't. "Right from the start, the book said, give your children firm, clear leadership, ask them for politeness and cooperation. Respect your children, but ask them for respect, also. There was nothing in it about giving children anything they want," Spock replied to his critics.

But, as Spock often noted, most of his critics never read the book.

Just what God had in mind

Well, what do you expect from a town that shares its name with a popular 1960s TV game show? Public officials in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, are signing on to a proclamation naming 1998 "The Year of the Bible" in their town. The proclamation urges people to "read the New Testament five minutes daily."

Well, excuse us if we mention that little thing called "The First Amendment." Indeed, when the ACLU questioned the wisdom of the proclamation, some of the folks publicly identified as opposing the measure became the recipients of late-night, anti-Semitic phone calls.

One resident, Roxanne Darling, who helped form a group of residents called Citizens for Our Bill of Rights to oppose the proclamation (and who, as a convert from Catholicism to Judaism, wears a large Star of David pendant), was recently spit on and given the finger by a couple of Truth or Consequences upstanding Christians. Another member of the group, a Native American named Antonio Garcez, has had his frozen yogurt shop boycotted by the faithful townspeople.

This leads your superior correspondents to believe that those who are most supportive of symbolic acts to encourage people to read the New Testament are also the least likely to have read it or in any way to have understood it. This Inquisition mind-set is exactly why efforts like "The Year of the Bible" are incredibly stoopid.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to the group from Brown and URI that, with the assistance of ACCESS/RI, the URI Journalism Department, and the A. Alfred Taubman Center for Public Policy & American Institutions at Brown, discovered what has been obvious to those in the media for some time -- getting public information from local police departments is frequently impossible. The fact that there is still a need to familiarize many local police departments with something we like to call "The First Amendment" is pathetic indeed. Keep up the pressure.

. . . to the First Family, for their bold decision to neuter the new presidential pet, Buddy. We can't help but wonder, though, if the wrong dog in the White House is being operated on.

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