Premature headlines

Your superior correspondents have always considered ourselves Biggest Little Boosters (not to be confused with those who shoplift at the corner Mom and Pop), but we generally try to keep our enthusiasm for the good things in Vo Dilun within the realm of what we like to call "reality." And a reality check of last Tuesday's BeloJo has Phillipe & Jorge wondering whether the august Other Paper has hired Bigfoot reelection campaign officials as headline writers.

The page-one headline in question reads: R.I. AMONG BEST AT HELPING POOR, STUDY FINDS. But before patting ourselves on the back about the findings of the Tufts University survey in question, astute Rhode Islanders would do well to move down to paragraph six in the story, which says, "The study measured only laws and policies adopted by states; it did not attempt to determine how well states were carrying out their new policies."

Oh!

The fact is that, all along, most folks familiar with the shape of welfare reform in our state have been justifiably impressed with the plan, particularly the RIte Care aspect, with its child- and health-care components. But since the Tufts study doesn't go into the effectiveness of the programs, the headline should have said something like: R.I. PLAN AMONG BEST.

Indeed, even when further "studies" are released a few years down the line, it would behoove us to analyze whether they are merely a nose count of the number of people who have been signed on for a particular program or whether they actually follow up on the current situation of former welfare recipients.

Nancy Gewirtz, a professor at the Rhode Island College of Social Work and a mainstay of the Campaign to Eliminate Childhood Poverty, points out at the end of the BeloJo story that, "We've got a good law in Rhode Island, but there is clearly a problem that threatens the program. People are not getting processed through the system at anywhere near the rate they should be." And that, friends, is the only study that ultimately counts.

Economic stimulation

Regular readers of the Phoenix no doubt are aware that this paper has never been shy about pointing out the stupidity in the "abominable and detestable crimes against nature" law that continues to be a blight on our state. This is the statute that outlaws anal and oral sex among married folks and consenting adults, thus turning countless Vo Dilunduhs into criminals just waiting to get arrested.

But while we congratulate state Senator John Roney and state Representative Edie Ajello for continuing the good fight to wipe this idiotic statute from the books, we must admit that we were taken aback by the creativity Ajello used in arguing their case.

In a joint statement released Monday by the crusading legislators, Edie offered the opinion that the repeal of the law could actually amount to an "economic development issue." Why? Well, according to Ajello, a church-led group considered backing out of a booking at the Convention Center after discovering that an abominable and detestable crimes law was still on the books here.

Hey, what is this religious organization and how can we join? This is our kind of economic stimulation package.

A majority of one

Okay, kids, here comes a toughie. Who should you believe when it comes to evaluating state Representative Brian "Walking Eagle" (he's so full of shit, he can't fly) Kennedy's bill to restructure the state Department of Environmental Management -- John Chafee, father of the overwhelmingly successful Clean Water Act; John DeVillars, the regional EPA chief who, in the past, has showered Rhode Islanders with praise for their environmental protection ethic; Louise Durfee, former DEM chief and founder of Save the Bay; every environmental group in the state; or Kennedy and his Klown Kommission? If you said the latter, you've got too much mercury in your well water.

Indeed, P&J found it simply hilarious that after everyone in the state with any environmental credentials whatsoever pounded Kennedy's bill last week, the representative referred to these opponents as "so-called friends of the environment." Yep, Walking Eagle, and guess what? They are supported by all those "so-called reformers" who want politically and professionally compromised legislators like you (Kennedy is a real estate appraiser) out of the mix when it comes to agencies doing their job. (We also planned to kick the developers' ass in this piece, but we were afraid we'd break Brian's nose.)

On this same issue, a word to our close personal friend Guy Dufault, the Democratic advisor to the stars who recently defended Walking Eagle's legislative guano on Channel 36's Deadly Experiment -- Jesus H., Guy. If you think you're doing Myrth York a favor by siding with Walking Eagle and his Klown Kommission, you're insane! His disingenuous power grab and absolute ignorance of the environment are appalling. And if, as you claim, this is a consensus bill, we're sure you'd have no problem classifying Saddam Hussein's position as a consensus administration.

A final good one: Back when Kennedy's commission heard testimony from polluters and criminals against the DEM, a fellow wrote a letter to his representative, Suzanne "Mad Cow" Henseler, asking for clarification on a point involving wetlands. Obviously at a loss for any sort of explanation, Henseler sent him a scratchy tape of the DEM's Dean Albro testifying before the Klown Kommission as her answer.

Oh, that's right, Suzanne. The DEM is worthless and doesn't have a clue. I guess they need a bunch of legislators to tell them how to deal with environmental issues.

Tara, Tara, Tara

Well, after three weeks of huddling around the TV, feather boas wrapped jauntily around our necks in the fashion of scarves, and quaffing mugs of hot cocoa and sake, P&J bid a tearful adieu to the Winter Olympics in Nagano. We remain secure, however, in the sentiment that it will be mere months before we become absolutely sick of the toothsome grin of wunderkind Tara Lipinsky, who looks like a cute little monkey with a JonBenet Ramsey makeover.

And speaking of Toothy Tara, who will need dentures taken from a cast of Mr. Ed's in her dotage, full marks to Jamestown's Claire Ferguson, one of the international figure skating community's longtime leading lights. Ferguson had her money down on Lipinsky from the git-go. Indeed, two years ago, when Our Little Towne played host to the US figure skating championships, Phillipe had a pleasant chat with Ferguson while trying to coax Brian Boitano's Marriott room number out of her for a little surprise after-hours visit by your superior correspondents. (Much safer than trying to find Dick Button roaming Roger Williams Park in the wee hours.)

At the time, Claire told us to keep an eye on Lipinsky, who was just emerging into prominence then. Well, we doubt even Claire thought that Lipinsky would be grabbing the gold as little as two years later, but the next time Ms. Ferguson picks a pony, we'll be there with the folding stuff.

While Tara stole the show on the ice, however, US hockey team players left a huge steaming pile out there when they performed and then further enhanced their reps by trashing three hotel rooms. No wonder the Urinal didn't ask any of the three Rhode Islanders on the team to furnish a first-person account from Nagano as they did with Sara DeCosta. The paper's editors probably were too afraid of what they might receive in way of copy:

To wit: "Well, after Gretzky beat me on the outside to set up Canada's game winner, I really didn't give a crap about any medals. After the game, I tried to pick up one of them Dutch speed skaters who wear those costumes you can see their nips through, but she dusted me. Effin' dyke, probably. Hey, that's a good one, huh? A dyke from Holland! So then we went out and got shit-faced at the hotel bar and busted up that cheap Jap furniture. Pretty good time, after all."

Amazed that the Olympic team honchos have taken more than a week to identify the culprits, P&J offer this neat little trick we picked up watching Banacek reruns: Look in the hotel register and find out who was staying in those rooms! Hey, presto! Then simply haul those guys in front of the firing squad until they either fess up or finger the real guilty parties.

You're welcome.

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