The cartoon campaigns

Phillipe & Jorge would sure like to believe that the race for governor this year will be waged on the candidates' notions about economic development policy, strategies to improve the state's education system, protect our environment, and provide for better health care for all. But, hey, we're realists.

This is an election in that Big Funhouse known as the US of A, and that means that the cartoon strokes will be all important. We'll certainly talk about "the issues," but it will make far more sense to look at the big cartoon picture.

Energy and vision. That's the pitch from the House of Myrth forces as Ms. York mounts her campaign for governor. The imagery has some force behind it: the dynamic Democrat contrasts quite nicely with the casual Bigfoot stretched out on a Cape Cod hammock. And then there's the shaggy guy, Bob Healey, lurking in the wings.

We like Myrth's emphasis on small business as the economic engine that makes Rhode Island go. We like her style and her intelligence. In a happy confluence, we think that Myrth rules on both the issues and on the cartoon level. But there will be counter-cartoons.

Expect Bigfoot's guy, John "Monsieur Pompadour" Holmes, to paint Myrth as an "ultra-liberal loose cannon," hoping that people will buy into the caricature and pay no attention to what she actually says. The Myrth attack will be much easier for the GOP than trying to build up the Missing Linc as Mr. Dynamo, so expect the Republicans to go negative real soon.

Meanwhile, the shaggy guy, Bob Healey, who has great cartoon potential, once again will run an earnest and issue-driven campaign and will ignore the fact that you can't win without good entertainment value. Naturally, your superior correspondents will do our best to straddle the fence between the two-track campaign, presenting actual issues in the best Hanna/Barbera tradition.

No winners

God bless the veteran peace activists who have taken up their old post in front of the Federal Building in downtown Providence on Friday afternoons to protest what appears to be the impending military action against Iraq.

Yes, Sadaam Hussein is an evil tyrant. And yes, the threat that the Iraqi weapons stockpile poses for the world is serious business. But those who gather in front of the Federal Building on Friday afternoon ask a very pertinent question -- what will the proposed bombing raids of Iraq do? Will it force compliance? Will it obliterate Iraq's capacity to continue the development of weapons? Will it topple Sadaam? Will it improve America's image and prestige in the international community? Doubtful on all counts.

What we do know, however, is that it will increase the suffering of the people of Iraq and kill a lot of innocent men, women, and children. And there's also the worst-case scenario -- we bomb Iraq, Iraq retaliates by bombing Israel, Israel retaliates by bombing Iraq, a chain reaction among the other nations in the Middle East begins, etc.

There is good reason to be seriously concerned about the saber rattling now going on. The vigil outside the Federal Building should serve as a reminder to us all that this is so. We certainly don't know what the solution is, but we agree with the protesters and dissidents on this one. Bombing is not a solution.

DEM and dumber

A rousing hurrah to former Department of Environmental Management director Louise Durfee for publicly shredding a preposterous bill submitted by state Representative Brian "Walking Eagle" (he's so full of shit he can't fly) Kennedy to restructure the DEM.

Durfee, a former Tiverton councilwoman whose clenched-fist, sky-punching vote against an oil refinery proposed for the Sakonnet River in 1970 was part of the genesis of Save the Bay, reportedly reacted to the Walking Eagle's proposal by staying up until 3 a.m. to point out which provisions were both unworkable and an absolute power grab by legislators.

Chief among the bill's reeking contents is a proposed legislative committee to oversee DEM. Not only does this fly in the face of recent efforts by the Ethics Commission and Governor Bigfoot to stop legislators from blatantly politicizing state agencies, but it means nitwits like Kennedy and his clown commission cohorts, who displayed a shocking lack of familiarity with basic regulations like planning and zoning laws during their recent hearings, would oversee DEM's regulatory work. (What a surprise that the developer's butt boy, Walking Eagle, is a real estate appraiser, eh?)

Since Governor Bigfoot is virtually clueless when it comes to the environment (see his office's lack of response to an idea by Quonset Point developers to "Pave the Bay"), it will be left to someone else to carry the ball and to avoid having DEM handed over to the inmates of the asylum. This might be a place for Senate president Charles Fogarty to cut out a healthy niche for himself.

Already viewed as a friend of the environment, Fogarty would do well to provide Senate leadership in molding and guiding passage of a sane bill -- a bill that would make some much-needed but positive changes at DEM, without gutting its charge to protect the environment. In doing so, Fogarty would win some healthy bonus points from the environmental and government-reform communities in his race for lieutenant governor. Go for it, Charlie.

Finally, an offer and counter-offer from P&J. We would be happy to supply any state representative or senator with a copy of attorney Durfee's legally and ethically intelligent comments on the DEM bill, since we doubt that Walking Eagle has made them readily available.

And since we don't think that Kennedy is intelligent enough to have come up with this 108-page piece of legislative garbage on his own, we'd love to get the name of any lobbyist or other outside special-interest individual who was involved in its drafting. Anonymity guaranteed, and a free Pernod and grapefruit to boot.

In the funny papers

Here's one we would really like explained. The Urinal lifts Doonesbury from the comics page on Monday, February 9, saying in the vacated space, "[B]ecause some of the panels contain language inappropriate for children, many of whom turn to the comics page every day."

The purportedly offending strip had been moved to the editorial pages, presumably because most people -- excuse us, most children -- don't turn there every day. But the comic also just happened to be based on a point the BeloJo was avoiding -- that, thanks to the media's coverage of the Monica Lewinsky Fellatio Alger story, elementary schoolchildren are now quite familiar with expressions such as "oral sex."

Hey, folks, the horse is out of the barn, and you, along with your exalted friends in the wonderful world of journalism, helped unlock the gate, so let's not play holier-than-thou this late in the game.

This is a farcical response to a sickening scandal instigated by our libido-laden President Billary, and it reminds P& J of an old joke that ran ages ago in the New York Times Metropolitan Diary. In it, one elementary schoolkid tells another, "My parents were away and my brother had a party at the house last night, and this morning I found a condom on the patio."

To which his young friend replies, "What's a patio?"

Block Island under siege

You may recall President Billary's trek to Block Island last summer, where he dined with one of his most ardent admirers, Host with the Mostest and Warwick-based builder Gerald Zarrella.

Well, it looks like Gerry's admiration for His Oralness knows no bounds. The Block Island Times recently reported that Gerry has been slapped with a 14-count civil complaint by a former employee alleging sexual harassment. In her suit, Cheryl Metivier claims that Gerry bit her neck and shoulder in addition to "inflicting other abusive contact."

Poor Block Island! What with the rape allegations against former New Shoreham first warden Edward McGovern, our lovely little isle is beginning to look like an eastern annex of the White House.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to our British friends. According to the Co-operative Funeral Services, one of the largest funeral companies in the UK, the Monty Python ditty "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life" is one of the most popular "non-traditional" songs requested at British funerals. Unfortunately, this superior choice is offset by the fact that also making the Top Ten of non-trad funeral dirges was the 1974 opus by Terry Jacks, "Seasons In the Sun." P& J now have it written in our wills that if one of us, by accident or happenstance, passes away on British soil, Zager and Evans' "In the Year 2525" must be used as the processional hymn. We like to stay ahead of the curve on these things.

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