Brother Joe's miracle

One of the more amazing stories of the past few weeks that we inadvertently missed due to all the hubbub concerning the Monicamania situation took place on January 19 during an assembly put on by the folks at City Year to commemorate the Martin Luther King holiday.

According to numerous people who witnessed the scene at Mt. Pleasant High School, the keynote speaker for the event, former state representative Joseph Newsome, started his speech by asking that the lights be dimmed to create the appropriate mystical setting. After this, he explained to those present that he had gone to bed the evening before uncertain about what he would talk about the next day.

But, alas, when Newsome awoke, he found a letter next to his pillow that was not from the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny but from the late Dr. King. It was addressed to "Brother Joe."

This, of course, was a major miracle and, in case the teens were skeptical, Brother Joe produced the letter and waved it in front of them. And what did Dr. King have to say to Brother Joe? Well, besides praising all the fine work that Brother Joe had done over the years, Dr. King revealed that he'd died so that the many other civil-rights leaders in the nation could take their rightful place in the forefront of the movement.

Unfortunately, many in the audience seemed unimpressed by this miraculous letter and its even more miraculous message. Whenever Brother Joe paused for a few seconds, audience members broke into applause, signaling what they hoped was the end of the presentation. Unfortunately, they were only met with a "Wait, there's more!"

Yes, as cynical as Phillipe & Jorge tend to be, we are still aware that miracles do occasionally occur here in La Prov. And the miracle at Mt. Pleasant High has to be up there with such magical occurrences as finding a parking spot in downtown during the daylight hours or going a whole month without a "Thought you'd like to know" message from the Bud-I administration.

Scandal line of the week

Appearing on the CNBC show Equal Time three days ago, Michael Isikoff, the Newsweek reporter credited with breaking the Clinton/Lewinsky Fellatio Alger tale, discussed the spin the Billary administration was putting on the revelations that Monica allegedly had visited the White House 37 times after leaving her job there to work in the Pentagon. Isikoff said that on most of her visits, Lewinsky had been logged in by Clinton's secretary, Betty Currie, and that the White House will claim that Currie was the one whom Lewinsky was there to visit and that the president would occasionally "pop his head in." Well, that's the problem now, isn't it?

Snowden job

How dare they!? ask P&J.

Despite the fact that GTECH chairman Guy Snowden has been convicted of libel for denying that he tried to bribe rival Richard Branson in their bid for the British lottery and despite the fact that other GTECH officials have been involved in kickbacks, how dare anyone wonder whether there were also some shady dealings involved in GTECH's getting the Rhode Island Lottery contract? Don't they get it every time it's up for renewal?

Need we remind everyone that Mr. Snowden cut the state's deal with a man whose ethical and moral courage still resounds through the political system in Rhode Island -- John "Mr. Arrogance" Hawkins? Who could possibly infer, given the fact that these two men were the principals in the negotiations, that anything other than a square deal was made? Certainly not P&J!

Senator Ben Dover

Phillipe and Jorge send a special set of Casa Diablo kneepads with "I'm Hasbro's Toy Boy" embroidered on them to Senate Majority Leader Paul Kelly. Kelly, as you know, was duped into pushing through legislation last year that pulled Hasbro's chestnuts from the fire when Mattel launched an aborted buyout of the company. In return, Hasbro allegedly promised Kelly that the toy manufacturer wouldn't cut any jobs in Rhode Island.

Well, Kelly now has been forced to bend over not once, but twice, for Hasbro's G.I. Joke, Alan Hassenfeld. Last Tuesday, February 3, the company announced that 150 people would be put out of work by the closing of their Central Falls plant. And Kelly, confronted with a tearful Hassenfeld, said the alleged promise was probably a "miscommunication" between the two parties.

Mr. Excitement

Another riveting performance by Governor Bigfoot in delivering his State of the State speech last week. Your superior correspondents would rather have someone drive a red-hot rivet into our temples than sit through any more of Big Linc's droning monotone, which makes him sound like the spokesmodel for Lithium.

We know that his handlers tried to spark up his delivery by highlighting the parts where his

heart was supposed to beat. And, in fact, this year's performance did appear to be a bit more lifelike, as if someone had sprinkled amphetamines on Almond's donuts. Perhaps a remote-controlled electronic device attached to Bigfoot's genitals might prove even more effective in the future.

One important element that did manage to emerge from this year's Borefest was the guv's appeal for a bipartisan effort to achieve the state's economic and education goals -- an appeal that was met with some favor by the Democratic leaders in the House and Senate.

Of course, this is partially a result of Rhode Island's decision to increase the term of general officers to four years. If Almond were still facing an election every two years, the animosity between his office and the likes of Pucky Harwood, George of the Jungle Caruolo, and Paul Kelly probably would be continuing, because the Dems would be doing everything possible to screw Bigfoot's agenda. But given breathing room to let even the House Neanderthals come around, there is a real hope for cooperation in '98.

Amateur proctology

We're glad to see that at least the Rhode Island Senate is taking Secretary of State Jim Langevin's "Access Denied" report seriously enough to launch their own self-examination of public access to the legislative process. And P&J weren't surprised to see the response of House Majority Leader George of the Jungle Caruolo to a similar measure proposed in the House by state Representative David Cicilline.

Telling the Urinal that these rules are generally adopted when a new General Assembly is seated, Jungle Boy said, "Absent a serious problem, they're not generally done in an off year."

Obviously, then, documented gross violations of the Open-Meetings law don't qualify as a serious problem in Caruolo's book. As they say, once you've made your home in a cesspool, you barely notice the stench after a while.

We're all winners!

Your superior correspondents were amazed to read in the BeloJo the other day that the state of Florida is somehow under the impression that American Family Publishers and the inevitable Dick Clark and Ed McMahon are trying to convince people that they may have won something and that, as a result, Florida officials are filing suit against these fine, upstanding citizens.

Florida is claiming that, by sending out tens of thousands of letters to people that state "Joseph Blow, final results are in and they're official: You're our newest $11 million winner," the American Family Publishers, Dick, and Ed are being deceptive.

Okay, let's look at this logically. Although the letter says what it says and you have actually won nothing but the opportunity to subscribe to Cigar Aficionado or TV Guide, it's from the American Family Publishers! With a wholesome name like that, how could they be putting you on? Aren't we all members of "the American family"?

And, hey, this is Dick Clark and Ed McMahon we're talking about here. Haven't they been entertaining us for years with such patriotic fare as home videos of babies being dropped on their heads, soul-enriching beer commercials featuring exotic horses, and endless award shows celebrating virtually everything?

What's more, the American Family Publishers state that, "Our mailings are not deceptive and are not written to be. In fact, the language used in our mailers is purposefully clear and is understood by those who read them." Well, that ought to settle it. Case closed. And by the way, Mr. Blow, it appears that you may already be a winner.

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