In the dark

Concluding a front-page story in Sunday's BeloJo on the state Supreme Court's dramatic reversal of Judge Dominic Cresto's dismissal of corruption charges against former Governor Ed "Gerber Babe" DiPrete and his son, Dennis, was this quote from our state's former head ramrod: "I am in the dark." Our response to this comes in the form of a phrase popular among high school students in the early 1970s: "No shit, Sherlock."

Your superior correspondents must confess that we, too, were somewhat in the dark last March, when the Gerbster claimed that he had been exonerated because the charges against him had been tossed out. No doubt, there is a small, hard-core camp of followers who actually believe that charges dismissed due to prosecutorial misconduct are tantamount to "exoneration," but most Vo Dilunduhs understand that things around here won't change until we get to the bottom of the DiPrete-era stench in a court of law.

Despite all the handwringing over the negative publicity the trial of a former governor will bring the Biggest Little in the short run, in the long run this is the right thing to do. A number of big questions remain. For instance, will there be a cessation of the pissing contest between Jeff Pine and Superior Court Judge Dominic Cresto? Will our be-rugged individual attorney general argue to have Cresto recuse himself from the case?

Also, will Rodney Brusini become Vo Dilun's own Mark Fuhrman? Will the Gerb continue to wear the same trench coat to the courthouse every day and persist in his groin-grabbing photo ops? And, when it's all over, who will remain "in the dark" -- the former governor or the citizens of the state?

Dave's not here

Too bad Theodore Kaczynski doesn't have e-mail, or P&J would have informed him that you can't successfully hang yourself with everyday tighty-whitey underwear. Phillipe reached this scientific conclusion just recently, after David Brinkley appeared last Sunday morning on his old chat show (now Sunday Morning with Cokie and Sam) as a paid shill for the corporate criminals at Archer Daniels Midland.

Jorge's intimate was so upset by this, he tried to string himself up in the bathroom, and, after abject failures with the aforementioned Fruit of the Looms and a pair of silk boxers, he finally found a suitably strong noose -- a Speedo thong from his resort collection. Unfortunately, P.'s weight caused the curtain rod to snap, leaving your superior correspondent with a nasty bump on his head (from hitting the bidet in his fall). On the bright side, this period of unconsciousness was enough to allow him to recover from the shock of Brinkley's sellout.

Adding insult to injury in this public befouling of TV journalism was Cokie Roberts's clarification/ apologia for Brinkley -- a quite ineffective attempt to cover ABC's ass for allowing the faux news ad to run and for welcoming Brinkley back as ADM CEO Dwayne Andreas's butt boy.

Cokie, by the way, is quite the picture of ethics herself, having once donned an overcoat and stood in front of a chroma-keyed shot of the White House in ABC's Washington studio to make it appear as though she were reporting live from the Capitol. She and her journalist husband, Steve Roberts, also were notorious for accepting big speaking fees from corporations, until ABC reined Cokie in. The sound you hear is Edward R. Murrow whirling like a lathe in his grave.

Gee whiz

The Unabomber and Phillipe are not the only ones who have had their knickers in a twist lately. New Brown president Gordon Gee hit the deck a-runnin' on College Hill last week by getting all hot and bothered over two items that he should have dismissed as out of hand -- Jim Langevin's Brown-supported "Access Denied" report and Vanity Fair's profile of Bruno Uno as the higher-learning institution of choice within the international jet-set, kiddie division.

Now, Gordie, we know you're just in from Ohio, but allow us to let you in on a few facts. First of all, your students did a good job on Langevin's report, and you should be proud of them for helping expose some of the worst practices at Halitosis Hall. Scrambling to defend your honor after a few of the frothers and knuckle-draggers on Smith Hill call you up and vent their spleen is hardly what we expect from Brown's top dog. You're above the fray, old man. Stay there.

There is also no need for palpitations just because Vanity Fair, that learned academic journal, pointed out that your university is the center of the real and faux Eurotrash universe. As the article says, your grads keep hitting the fast lane in the entertainment-and-arts field and you'll be rolling in endowments as time goes on. This is certainly a step up from bow ties, n'est-ce pas?

Rescuing the stadium

Although Governor Bigfoot and Bob "I would never play one state off against another" Kraft couldn't come to an agreement in 1997 for moving New England's football franchise to La Prov, help may be on the way from an unexpected quarter.

Iraq's representative to the United Nations, Nizar Hamdoon, has explained how Sadaam may be willing to take the Biggest Little off the hook and finance a Providence stadium all by himself -- that is, with a few minor concessions from us.

First, he'd like the stadium to also serve as another "royal palace" free from any pesky UN inspectors. And the Iraqis insist that the name of the franchise should be changed to something with a bit more of a Middle Eastern flavor, something to capture the essence of this unique partnership. They're currently high on "The New England Goatboys" (Iraq's team). What's more, Hamdoon says, "there is something inherently sexy" about a cheerleading squad in floor-length gowns and veils.

While the prospective new co-owners do not plan to micro-manage the team, a few personnel changes have been mentioned as well. New head coach O.J. Simpson believes that the Goatboys stand a great chance of making next year's Super Bowl as long as they follow his unique philosophy: "We'll kill the other teams in the division, not because we're better, but because we love them so much."

After reading Secretary of State Jim Langevin's recent report on the public meetings record of the General Assembly, the Iraqis feel that this is a body that they can do business with. So let's keep our fingers crossed.

Dumb and dumber

Our pal John Martin made a good point last week when he said that no one outside of a television newsroom cares which station is the first to air breaking news. And the fact that the gap is usually all of a minute between the stations makes it even more of a masturbation exercise.

Unfortunately, our respected friends at Channel 10 feel this point is important enough to hang their promotional ads on, as in the DiPrete Supreme Court ruling. Sorry, guys, but most people don't watch TV in the afternoon while they are at work. Ergo, so what?

However, contradicting Channel 10's self-congratulatory "get there first" mindset was the preposterous appearance of JAR-head sportscaster Keith Russell during NBC's airing of the Fugitive last Sunday and saying, "We all know that Denver's going to the Super Bowl, but who will they be playing? Find out on news at 11."

It is a gross understatement to even call this disingenuous. This stunningly moronic and superficial teaser drew whoops of derisive laughter from the gang watching in the Boom-Boom Room at Casa Diablo. The Green Bay-49ers game, after all, had ended three hours earlier, so this "hang on for the news" tactic was mind-boggling.

We guess the journalistic genius who came up with the idea thought that since the Niners-Packers game hadn't aired on Channel 10, as the Denver-Pittsburgh game had, Vo Dilun viewers had been unable to use their paws to operate the remote and switch over to Fox for the second game.

Keith, if you actually didn't know who won the Green Bay game, perhaps it's time to move on to something you can handle -- like brushing your teeth without putting the head of the toothbrush through your eye socket. Isn't it fun to have your intelligence insulted by airheads, boys and girls?

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