Still crazy after all these years

Vo Dilun is indeed fortunate that despite the fact that he is no longer governor, Bruce "Captain Blowhard" Sundlun continues to dedicate himself to entertaining the public. And who knows -- perhaps it was more than a coincidence that the day after the BeloJo's report of some typical Captain hijinks at a CVS drugstore in East Greenwich, CVS's parent company announced plans to expand their headquarters in Woonsocket and add "several hundred white-collar jobs."

We all know the story by now: the Captain showing up at the front door of CVS minutes after closing time, demanding entrance, and, when informed that the plastic fork department was barren, insisting that he be taken to the plastic fork storage area in the back to see for himself. (He needed the forks for an office party a good friend of his was throwing across the street.) Police were then called to usher the state's former head ramrod from the premises.

Youthful clerks at the store were as frightened as rabid raccoons by the Captain's fearsome "can-do" tirade. And when Channel 10's Patrice Wood reported on Monday that a young female clerk "said that Sundlun poked her," your superior correspondents were unable to stifle a laugh, recalling how the Captain had reputedly "poked" more than a few women in his time.

Of course, our present governor, Lincoln Almond, would never have found himself in such a predicament. We're sure that he would've been more than happy to eat without utensils.

Don't toy with us

Senate Majority Leader Paul Kelly and many of his cohorts at Halitosis Hall are obviously less than amused at having to play Ben Dover for Hasbro's Alan Hassenfeld and the boys who cheerily announced layoffs at Christmastime in the best Ebenezer Scrooge fashion. Even worse, Hasbro officials made the announcement despite alleged promises to local legislative leaders in January 1996 that if the General Assembly helped Hasbro avoid a takeover by Mattel, Hasbro wouldn't lay off any workers in the Biggest Little.

Hassenfeld's official mouthpiece, Wayne Charness, claims that no such promise was ever made by Hasbro's chief operating officer, Alfred Verrechia. And unfortunately, Hassenfeld, that profile in courage, has gone underground now that the heat is on, seemingly leaving the dirty work to Charness and Verrechia. As a result, we can't really tell where the buck gets rerouted.

It is bad enough that the reason for the holiday layoffs is that Hasbro simply isn't making enough money to satisfy Hassenfeld and the stockholders. But what's even more infuriating is soi-disant government reformer Hassenfeld screwing the same politicians who pulled his chestnuts from the fire. Nothing like being a role model for ethical behavior, is there?

Wise guy

Hats off to our old friend Brian Bishop, the frother who heads up a property-owners advocacy group known as Rhode Island Wise Use. Bri recently took out a splendid full-page ad in the Urinal asking people to attend a meeting that Bishop felt was incredibly important. (Hey, Brian, if you're tossing around the advertising dollars, the Phoenix can use those bucks more than Steve Hamblett.)

What caught P&J's eye, however, was the large headshot of Bishop (for it was indeed himself in all his glory). In his official "crusading journalist" pose, he had a pen tucked behind his ear, indicating that he certainly meant business in the best Lou Grant fashion.

We absolutely can't wait for the upcoming swimsuit calendar, no doubt already in production, and would urge Brian not to forget the image-enhancing use of phony glasses to give the impression of high intelligence, a la such Mensa members as Sly Stallone and Marky Mark.

Pick a card, any card

Phillipe and Jorge are greatly amused by the hysterical coverage of the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which Sprewell, the All Star basketball player for the Golden State Warriors, choked his coach and threatened to kill him. This resulted in NBA commissioner David

Stern suspending Sprewell for a year -- an unprecedented non-drug-related penalty that has sparked a good deal of controversy, one aspect being that Sprewell is black and P.J. Carlesimo, his coach, is white.

Tops on our list of stupid comments has been the refrain of reporters who covered Sprewell's official statement to the media. Sitting right next to his lawyer Johnny Cochran (who needs no introduction), Sprewell moronically mused about whether Cochran would "play the race card" in appealing his suspension.

Play the race card? When you merely hire Johnnie Cochran, you play the entire race deck, including jokers (featuring Redd Foxx in Harlequin outfit) -- and that's before the fast-talking lawyer even opens his mouth. C'mon, newsfolks. Cochran is there for one reason and one reason only, which is to take the whole issue down the race route.

Given the level of TV journalism today, P&J are just surprised that Sprewell didn't have Al Sharpton and Louis Farrakhan sitting in his lap at the time as well.

Politics means always having to say you're sorry

What was Al Gore thinking when he sidled up to a couple of reporters last month in the press compartment of Air Force Two and, in the midst of a rambling discussion about movies, suggested that he and Tipper were the models for the main characters in Erich Segal's excruciatingly bad novel Love Story (later made into the even worse, inexplicably popular film)?

When Time magazine reported on the conversation, all of Washington was abuzz (if not actually falling down laughing) with the notion that the man with the two-by-four up his butt would have been portrayed by the notoriously randy Ryan O'Neal. But as Washington-based reporters with nothing better to do scrambled to hunt down Segal for comment, the Veep's spokeswoman, Ginny Terzano, started backing away from Al's version, claiming that the vice president didn't actually say what he said.

Then, when Segal was finally reached for comment, he explained that the character of Oliver Barrett in the book was a composite, containing aspects of both Gore and his Harvard roommate, actor Tommy Lee Jones. Tipper, apparently, had nothing to do with the character of Jenny Cavilleri, the Radcliffe student who was the daughter of a baker "from Cranston, Rhode Island."

Tipper from Cranston? Fuhgettaboutit, Al. Of course, when the book and film came out, knowledgeable Vo Dilunduhs also were appalled at the idea of former model Ali MacGraw being mistaken for a Cranston girl. We had to wait until 1988 for a reasonable approximation of Cranstonian womanhood -- the Joan Cusack character in Working Girl (even though, in the film, she came from Staten Island).

This ploy of currying favor with the public by pressing our pop-culture buttons and claiming that various well-known fictitious characters are actually based on real-life politicians might just catch on. For instance, it could be argued that the character of RoboCop is based partially on Richard Gephardt. There is also the connection between the kid in the Home Alone movies and Dan Quayle. The possibilities are endless.

Kathleen McKiernan

Flags at Casa Diablo have been lowered to half-staff in memory of Kathleen McKiernan, who was found murdered in Providence in the early hours of last Saturday. A terrible and tragic loss.

Kathleen was greatly loved for her infectious exuberance and kindness to all. She was well-known as one of the hardest-working waitresses at a number of downtown nightclubs. Always beaming and famous for carrying gigantic trays loaded with drinks over her head, she brought a smile to the face of hundreds of downtown clubgoers. Kathleen was especially beloved by the many other waitstaff, bartenders, and musicians who made their living in the clubs. Her enthusiasm and boundless energy made her one of a kind.

She was truly a lovely, lovely person who spread joy wherever she went. Our deepest sympathy to her family and many friends.

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