Digging the dirt

The fact that there is as much as $23 million in unpaid traffic tickets in the Biggest Little comes as little surprise to Phillipe and Jorge. We'd be equally unsurprised to learn that thousands of uninsured Rhode Island drivers are on the road every day.

As a result, we find the BeloJo's recent sensationalizing of the tickets story a bit heavy-handed. Of course, the paper's zealousness has nothing to do with the fact that the BeloJo was denied access to the Administration Adjudication Department's records two years ago. It couldn't be payback for those state officials who decided that handing over this sort of information bank (which the Providence Journal Company could have used for whatever future journalistic and/or business purposes they chose and which private companies would have had to pay millions for) was not a great idea.

While P&J can confidently report that a trip to the AAD can be as gruesome an experience as anyone can imagine, we also feel for the folks who work there, including our old buddy, Leo Skenyon. These short-staffed employees are forced to deal with what most people would not call the "elite intelligentsia" of Vo Dilun.

The AAD, after all, runs a notch above the ACI intake center for quality of customer. And given the fact that the employees work in a physical facility that would bring a shudder to Charles Dickens, with technology slightly above that of Erector Sets, we don't have quite the blood lust that the BeloJo does in attacking the AAD for not being a well-oiled machine.

While P&J think it's just swell that the Department of Administration did a study on the AAD, as Skenyon pointed out in the article, a report without recommendations is no report at all -- at least not in professional business consultant circles. What's more, two previous studies of the AAD by the auditor general gave recommendations that the agency evidently did implement.

Anyone looking for the $23 million to suddenly appear in the state coffers without a huge increase in the number of AAD staff, upgraded record-keeping technology, or working conditions a step above a Nike sweatshop should also put an unrefundable down payment on a yacht, in anticipation of hitting the Powerball next week. It's ugly, but all the dirt doesn't lie on Harris Avenue.

Judge for yourself

Phillipe and Jorge were pleased to see those wild and wacky liberals at the ACLU give Judge Raymond Pettine their Civil Libertarian of the Year award for 1997. The ACLU cited a number of Pettine's many lifetime achievements at its annual dinner, but one in particular from his decision in "Toward a Gayer Bicentennial Committee v. R.I. Bicentennial Foundation" had a particularly superior ring to it.

"I cannot help but note the irony of the Bicentennial Commission expressing a reluctance to provide a forum for the plaintiff's exercise of their First Amendment rights because they might advocate conduct which is illegal," Pettine wrote. "Does the Bicentennial Commission need reminding that, from the perspective of the British loyalists, the Bicentennial celebrates one of history's greatest illegal events?"

A well-deserved award, and one that reminds us why ferreting out the likes of Tom Fay and Matty Smith from the Biggest Little's judicial system should be the first order of each and every citizen. And it is all eventually done at the ballot box. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty," as the ACLU's motto goes. Goddamn commies.

Amusement spotlight

There should be no doubt that La Prov is one of the great entertainment capitals of the western world after last Saturday night's broadcast of a recreation of a startling and dramatic lunchtime chase that occurred in downtown Providence last August.

Earlier that afternoon, a travel agent had tipped police to a suspicious character the agent thought might be a murder suspect in Canada. In classic Vo Dilun style, the suspect turned out not to be the murder suspect the agent had seen on America's Most Wanted but a different murder suspect -- an oversight that was rectified in this week's AMW, when the alleged killer, Anthony Fitzroy Patterson, had his 15 minutes of fame.

Of course, some might find it odd that, after scaring hordes of downtown regulars out of their gourds, the whole fiasco was recreated again for television. But, hey, if we want to be in the big leagues, this is the kind of stuff we gotta do.

Indeed, entertainment is just the bidness we want to be in. Last Saturday, Frank Rich of the New York Times hit the nail on the head in terms of Americans and our lust for amusement. In discussing the Southern Baptist Convention's boycott of all Disney products because of the company's alleged "Christian-bashing, family-bashing, pro-homosexual agenda," Rich explains why the boycott is not (and cannot) succeed. He says it's not because of the ludicrous position of the Baptists but because "living without entertainment is now the ultimate American sacrifice, and who, if anyone, will make it?"

As vox populi curse the paparazzi under our collective breath, we hungrily snap up every magazine and newsstand tabloid with the departed Princess Di on the cover. As Rich sez, "Most Americans are simply too addicted to entertainment to back up their whining with even the mildest acts of protest." No shit.

Quickies

Ocean State Action, the progressive coalition of labor, professional, community, civil-rights, and environmental groups, has scored a major coup in lining up US Representative Richard Gephardt, retired US senator Claiborne Pell, and present US Senator Jack Reed for their annual fundraiser on Wednesday, December 3 at the Stone Blossom Greenhouse in Pawtucket. Of course, where Gephardt is, Congressman Patrick Kennedy will not be far behind, and the evening will feature a salute to Patrick for leading the charge in keeping Columbia/HCA out of the Biggest Little. Needless to say, this oughta be the biggest, most star-studded political event of the season. Give OSA a call at 463-5368 for info . . . The only thing worse than trash TV is when trash TV doesn't deliver. Your superior correspondents say this in response to Monday night's special on Fox, Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed. It should be obvious that "magic's biggest secret" is how the ridiculous, third-rate Pierce Brosnan impersonator, David Copperfield, manages to continue his involvement with Claudia Schiffer . . . Did anybody seriously think that a Republican-controlled Congress would try any harder than a Democratic-controlled one to stem the tide of ludicrous pork-barrel projects? This year's favorite: a $286,000 grant for "enhancing the flavor of roasted peanuts." And we'll bet that none of it is going to Jimmy Carter . . . Here's the must-read book for 1999: breast-enhanced author Joyce Maynard's memoir of her nine-month relationship with J.D. Salinger back in the halcyon days of 1972, when she was a 19-year-old freshman at Yale and he was in his 50s. P&J propose that Joyce consider Catch her On the Fly as the working title.

Queen for a day -- or thousands

Royalty bashing may be all the rage in England these days, but for all the shortcomings of those pompous, thick-waisted German interlopers who have been lording it over the Brits for generations now, at least Queen Elizabeth seems to suck it up and respond better than any of her tribe.

Speaking at ceremonies honoring the 50th anniversary of her marriage to Phil the Greek, she responded to Prime Minister Tony "Mr Modern" Blair's comments concerning the need for royals to be in touch with the people by saying, "Think what we would have missed if we had never heard the Beatles, or seen Margot Fonteyn dance; never to have used a television set, or used a mobile phone or surfed the 'net." At this point, she paused and said, "or, to be honest, listened to other people talking about surfing the 'net."

Oi, good on yer, Lilibet.

No tickee, no coffee

Gosh, it was wonderful to see Maggie Williams, Hillary Clinton's chief of staff, so eloquently defend her acceptance of campaign contribution checks from Johnny Chung to the House Government Reform (sic) and Oversight Committee. Williams, who faces potential criminal charges for accepting these funds in her federal office, is now scrambling to save herself.

She says that she took a $50,000 check from Chung at the White House "to quiet him" and that Chung was pressing it on her, pleading, "You take! You take!"

We're sure that he also was wearing a conical Mandarin hat and had his hands pressed together in front of him, just to complete Williams's charming Oriental stereotyping. Of course, this will earn Williams lots of support in the Asian community.

P&J hear through the grapevine that what went unreported in the Times was Chung's claim that Williams, who is black, told him, "I jez gots to get me some mo ub dat dere monies, and how!"

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