The same but different

The entry of Bill Guglietta into the Democratic primary race against announced candidate Eva Marie Mancuso for attorney general makes for an interesting juxtaposition.

Guglietta and Mancuso were classmates at the University of Rhode Island and shared the same major of political science (although Guglietta enjoyed a bit higher profile on campus as president of his class). Vying for a run against the incredibly vulnerable Jeff "Pinetop" Pine, both are also former state prosecutors under Jim O'Neil, the former attorney general and amateur lifeguard down in Narragansett. There the similarities end abruptly, however.

Mancuso, as fast and funny with her mouth as anyone you'll meet, is now a personal-injury attorney, who manages not to laugh while doing the requisite TV spots that beg you to crawl over to her office if you get hit by a speeding moped. This might not be exactly the type of visibility a hotshot DC political consultant would choose, but it sure helps get her name out among television-addicted Vo Dilunduhs.

Guglietta, on the other hand, is a very low-key inside operator, serving as legal counsel to the House Finance Committee, which, when it comes right down to it, has more say over your state budget than Governor Almond. There, Guglietta is known as the guy you go to in crunch time, when Finance Committee chair Tony Pires needs to be reminded about his earlier promises as the General Assembly wraps up the annual budget.

Guglietta is also very active in URI athletics, serving as president of the Rhode Island Ram Athletic Association. These kinds of associations, particularly those at the State House, give Guglietta a huge leg up in gaining the blessing of the old-boy network -- especially since Mancuso is a "gel," as the guys at Halitosis Hall might say. (Ask Myrth York about the consequences of making the mistake of being born a female and trying to get top Democrats' support.)

But given the voting records of the Vo Dilun public and the notoriously low turnouts in primaries hereabouts, Mancuso's TV turns for contingency fees just may be powerful enough to negate all the backroom bonding Guglietta has achieved with his party's most powerful pols over the years.

In either case, Jeff Pine will end up facing a serious challenge. But hey, if Mancuso does win the post, at least there will be a personal attorney job in the want ads. Better start looking for a trench coat now, General, just in case.

Brazen thieves

Proud Vo Dilunduhs have good reason to be concerned that we're losing our hegemony in a number of dubious areas. While we are in no danger of having another state wrest away our title of "Most Obsessed Over License Plates," a story in the New York Times last week alerted Phillipe & Jorge to the possibility of our losing our status as the leader in the "Brazen Criminals Using Alternative Getaway Vehicles" category.

Last week in Biloxi, Mississippi, 37-year-old Michael Vine limped into a branch of the Bank of Mississippi and handed a teller a note that demanded cash. After this, he hobbled back to his wheelchair, conveniently parked in front, and furiously wheeled a short distance to a hardware store. Here, he bought 25 feet of measuring tape and asked the store owner to call him a cab.

According to the store owner, the thief was "acting real nervous." Unfortunately for Mr. Vine, the police arrived before the cab.

There ensued a detailed discussion at Casa Diablo as to whether Mr. Vine had trumped a Vo Dilun thief we'd heard about who, after exiting the bank he had just robbed, had ducked into a nearby Dunkin' Donuts and ordered a dozen to go. He was apprehended at the nearest bus stop, with incriminating confectionery sugar stylishly covering his lips.

Then there was the one about the arch-criminal who flashed a photograph of a snarling German shepherd to a teller, warning that the dog was out in the car, ready to back him up should there be any trouble.

But these crimes took place over a decade ago, so we anxiously await a new generation of desperate, creative, and dumb criminals to let Mississippi know that we are not going to take this sitting down.

Brazen politicians

The Missing Linc must be sitting around the office whistling a little variation of the Annie Get Your Gun showstopper "Anything Bill and Al can do I can do better." With a serious dearth of Buddhist Temples in Vo Dilun, the governor's political advisors (since we can't imagine Bigfoot getting this creative) have come up with a new wrinkle to campaign financing.

Essentially, they are telling us that $227,000 already spent by the Almond for Governor Committee cannot be counted as part of his reelection bid because the money was used for "holding office" rather than "running for office." According to the Almondites, funds for "running for office" will come from the "Almond '98" bank account.

Apparently, Vo Dilunduhs are supposed to believe that because there are two separate bank accounts, the money must be for two separate purposes. Right!

While Phillipe & Jorge don't know who exactly came up with this unique strategy, it certainly has the whiff of Almond's resident creative genius, John "Monsieur Pompadour" Holmes, about it. P&J surmise that Pompy & Associates had been discussing all the great filmmaking activity in the Biggest Little when they realized that Hollywood had more to offer than Brad Pitt.

Obviously, nothing in Hollywood is more creative than their bookkeeping practices. If such creativity and resourcefulness were applied to the local economy, things would really be looking up.

Let's form a Congo line

As Phillipe and Jorge like to say when we have Idi Amin, Pol Pot, and Baby Doc Duvalier over to Casa Diablo for a game of Monopoly, you've seen one coup d'etat, you've seen 'em all. Still, the recent victory by the Congolese rebels over our vieux ami Sese Seko Mobutu added some special touches.

There were the Cobra militiamen who stormed Brazzaville, for instance. According to the Manchester Guardian Weekly, "Many of the fighters were dressed in macabre drag: golden wigs, wedding veils, plastic horror masks imported from Europe, and for one a skimpy woman's swimming costume beneath a not so skimpy ammunition belt. `It's a war disguise. They wear it as a fetish to protect them in battle,' says Serge, a Cobra commander whose superior rank allows him a regular military uniform."

Superior indeed. Love the epaulets, darling. You and the boys are on the A-list for this year's New Year's Eve party at Casa D. How about "Semper fetish" as a motto?

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to state Senator John "Hard Copy" Celona, who has once again discovered a grave issue that, heretofore, did not exist within the borders of Vo Dilun. The Nought Providence salon with the curious hair has written a letter to the Eat Me Now Food Company of Los Angeles, asking them to refrain from distributing their "Crave" candy in the Biggest Little.

The candy has the distinction of being packaged in 5-inch plastic test tubes, not unlike crack cocaine. And the fact that, so far, Crave can't be found anywhere in the state will probably be remedied by Celona's letter, which should alert enterprising retailers to the stuff's existence.

The BeloJo quoted Celona as saying, "It's amazing, it's bizarre, but it's also sad" -- a statement that also could describe much of "Hard Copy" Celona's activities of late, such as his introducing legislation to ban biting during boxing matches. Gee, wonder where he got that idea? Just wait 'til he hears about Marilyn Manson.

. . . to E.L. "Ted" Widmer, whose "Rhode Island Almanack" column used to appear here in the Providence Phoenix. If you've wondered where the column has gone, we must inform you that Ted has signed on as a speechwriter for President Clinton. Although we sorely miss the column, we're happy to note that Ted, who also has taught classes at Harvard and the Rhode Island School of Design, is undoubtedly making a little more money these days. And, of course, there is the outside possibility that His Billness could start his State of the Union with "What cheer, netop."

. . . to the officials of Baconton, Georgia, who have come up with a fabulous new way of saving money -- they neglected to hold the regular City Council elections on November 4. With a population of only 800, the city's attorney, Tommy Coleman, explained the error by saying, "Sometimes in these little itty-bitty towns . . . things get dropped between the cracks."

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