Blow me down!

There is no doubt that Vo Dilun has been struck by movie madness. It is gratifying to see not only all the filmmaking activity in The Biggest Little but the economic boon the production companies have created here.

Key to all of this has been Rhode Island's film office, headed by the indefatigable "Slick Rick" Smith. While Smith's name pops up in most of the reports on the state's current filmmaking boom, most folks probably don't realize that his mini-agency works with almost no resources. A tip of the beret and sombrero, then, to Mr. Smith.

Now it appears that other state agencies would like to get in on the glamorous world of the movies. A shining example of creative thinking in government circles, William Ankner, the new state DOT head ramrod, has come up with an idea that, he believes, could save the state a pile of money -- he is soliciting Hollywood studios to see if they're interested in blowing up the old Jamestown Bridge. In doing so, studio execs would save the state the $13 million or so it would cost us to do the job ourselves. Calling James Cameron!

Not for nuttin', as they say at the DOT, but did Ankner even bother to inspect the old Jamestown Bridge or its replacement before making such a proposal? If he had, he might have realized that setting off a charge or 10 could be just the ticket to shattering the foundation of the new bridge, never mind spraying the new roadway with shrapnel and debris. That's OK, though -- we'll just get out an ACI road crew.

Mr. Ankner also might be reminded that the public voted to retain the .7-mile section of the western part of the old bridge as a fishing pier, which would give excellent access to handicapped fishermen and fisherwomen. Given the state's timetable for destruction (2001) -- and its total lack of a budget to do it -- we hope some of those voters are alive to use the pier once it is finally opened up.

Mr. Ankner, trust us -- if Hollywood needs any serious bridge blow-ups in the future, chances are Industrial Light & Magic will get the call for about one-tenth of the price. Can you say "special effects," Big Bill? Another genius at the helm at DOT, we see.

Hey, maybe someone in Hollywood is preparing a film about the valiant and scintillating lives of public-works crews and maybe Ankner could get them to do all the road-repair projects in the state for free. Of course, rubbernecking could be a problem if they had a shirtless Brad Pitt on the Washington Bridge, but Phillipe and Jorge certainly think it's worth the risk.

Birds of a feather

Speaking of Hollywood, just when you thought that Tinsel Town's studio honchos couldn't get any greedier or more shameless, note how Disney's Michael Eisner has hired Henry Kissinger. Boy, wouldn't it be great to share a power lunch with these two egomaniacs? Imagine the joy of listening to a conversation between a loathsome, litigious control freak and a man whose idea of a good time is bombing countries on Christmas Day. Hey, there's some modern-day Disney family values!

It seems only right that Herr Doktor Kissinger's new role at Disney is to smooth over relations with China, whose leaders are so renowned for the high value that they, too, place on human lives. According to the New York Times, Doktor K is supposed to assuage Beijing's possibly ruffled feathers over Martin Scorsese's film, Kundlun, which is about China's attempt to "crush Tibet's political and religious traditions."

We guess it's just a giddy coincidence for Kissinger and Eisner that the film is due to open in LA and New York on Christmas Day this year. Hey, Marty, any chance to change the venue to Cambodia?

Michael, Mickey, Minnie and Henry say, "Happy holidays!!"

Fools on the Hill

Phillipe & Jorge are always impressed by the number of local and community papers in the Biggest Little. And for years Federal Hill, the cradle of the Italian-American community in this state, has had some of the more interesting community sheets. But now we're starting to get a little worried about the monthly Federal Hill Gazette.

Although publisher Robert L. Salvatore, Jr. certainly did the right thing in hiring Joe Fuoco as editor, the paper seems to have been taken over recently by a slew of special "columnists."

These columnists now regularly include Mayor Bud-I, Lt. Governor Jackvony, Congressman Patrick Kennedy, House Speaker John Harwood, and Senate Majority Leader Paul Kelly. Not that we would ever accuse any of these fine journalists of writing self-serving pieces having little to do with Federal Hill, but your superior correspondents are a bit confused as to why these folks are writing on a regular basis.

Maybe P&J could free up some space in the Phoenix for other, more pertinent contributors, such as Joseph Muratore, Bruce Melucci, and the estimable Mr. Fuoco, by composing a catchall column that the aforementioned politicians could sign each month, a column that would sum up their message to the Federal Hill community. Here, we feel, is a reasonable version:

As I sit here viewing our lovely city from my booth at Capricci (which is, admittedly, difficult, but that's why I brought these binoculars), I'm reminded of the great history of Federal Hill, the heart of our Italian-American community. In fact, at this very moment, I am sharing a zeppole with John Holmes, and before the medics arrive to clear out his arteries, I'd like you to know that I am cognizant of the fact that the Italian heritage is much more than fine dining.

No, our heritage is rich with the many Italian Americans who built this great state with their hard work and dedication -- people like Joe Paolino and St. Joseph, the Worker, the first Italian American to come to these shores and create our special form of government. And may I also take this opportunity to wish you and your families a healthy and happy Columbus Day?

In my commitment to government service, I have worked tirelessly on your behalf to establish calamari as the official appetizer of the state of Rhode Island. What's more, all of my colleagues up here make it a point to attend all the great festivals held on the Hill every year -- and not just to "meet and greet" our constituents but to eat the cotton candy and fried dough. But enough about food. There is also wine, and, as you are well aware, the Italian wine regions are among the finest in the world.

I would like to tell you more about my accomplishments, but it is time now to disguise my voice and call up a radio talk show. May I just add, buon giorno and gabba gabba hey for all the young people.

New math

Much dismay over at the Nathanael Greene Middle School in Providence when a teacher passed out a math worksheet that featured drawings of four girls and ascribed "facts" such as beauty, intelligence, and hair color to each of them. A series of questions about the girls followed, including the bonus query, "Which sister is not blond, beautiful, or intelligent?"

Not surprisingly, Joe Fowlkes of the NAACP found the math worksheet to be a symptom of deeply embedded racism in America. But Phillipe & Jorge merely found it to be a symptom of deeply embedded stupidity in America. (We also pride ourselves as experts in this area).

The Providence School Department should consider itself lucky that another worksheet that cropped up at a school in Dallas a month or so ago hasn't also surfaced here. In Dallas, six teachers were suspended when they passed out an assignment featuring this intriguing question: "Jerome wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make 20 percent more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?"

Shake this

P&J are big fans of the Imus In the Morning show on WWRX, but that could quickly change due to 'RX's new promotion. "Rock and Rattle" has to be the most insipid and annoying thing to hit Vo Dilun since Charlie "Family Man" Gifford decided to run for public office.

P&J just can't understand the appeal of having WWRX's Mike "Willard" Montecalvo gush over two- and three-year-olds who have no idea what he's talking about (even if they are listening). Even worse, Montecalvo gives the toddlers a certificate just to satisfy some tedious and self-absorbed parents who no doubt suffer from Markpatinkinitis and spend their entire lives talking about their kids. It makes P&J squirm in our seats just to listen to these spots.

Perhaps the best way to get rid of them would be to have the I-Man listen in at some point. We're sure he'd be quite pleased by the intellectually challenging shticks he is surrounded by during his time slot. Then again, this is the guy who is threatening to bring amateur lingerie model and hungry sportscaster Marv Albert back to do sports on his nationally syndicated show. Say it's a lie, "I."

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