Hitting the highway

Rumors are flying around the State House these days about the possibility of Department of Transportation honcho William Ankner packing his bags and leaving. If you recall, Ankner replaced another short-timer, William Bundy, only a few months ago.

The reason for Ankner's cameo in the Bigfoot administration allegedly involves Department of Administration ramrod Bob Carl's unsuccessful attempts to transfer out of DOT a small group of longtime high-level execs whose turf battles and divisiveness have caused some of the department's worst problems.

While Carl wanted to shift the execs, and their big longevity salaries, to other departments, the members of the target group fought their transfers. Ankner evidently wants no part of their staying, and is supposedly looking for work elsewhere now.

In other Halitosis Hall news, patience seems to be wearing thin with the highest echelon of The Missing Linc's administration, namely with the Guv's chief of staff, Ed Morabito, known as the "Black Pope."

While the "black" refers to the less than attractive side of Morabito's personality, the allusion to the Catholic Church primate stems from the fact that anyone who wants to get to Governor Bigfoot must first kiss Morabito's ring and win his blessing.

Phillipe and Jorge only need to recall the feud between Morabito and Marcel Valois, former Economic Development Corporation head and key Almond advisor, to know how well Morabito reacts to challenges to his influence with the Guv. The tiff ended in Valois's sudden departure.

Unfortunately for the Black Pope, House speaker Pucky Harwood and majority leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo have had much more success in getting Governor Almond's staff, including Morabito, to kiss something other than their rings with great frequency.

GOP humor

One of the stranger publications to come down the pike is Providence Trunk Line, put out by the Providence Republican City Committee's acting chairman and editor, Dave Talan. In keeping with classic GOP principles, this is undoubtedly a very inexpensive publication. But considering the number of Republicans in Providence, P&J wonder why Dave even bothers with a press run at all. He could simply call up his fellow GOPs after dinner -- and still have time to catch "must see TV" in its entirety.

There is, however, lots of fodder for this publication, since its main purpose is to attack and belittle Providence Democratic politicians. But with his angry-white-man rhetoric, Talan misses the mark on many of his humorous musings.

The September 8 edition of Providence Trunk Line, for instance, begins by excoriating those "ultra-liberal Democrats" in the General Assembly who voted against the so-called "partial-birth abortion bill" last session. Davey follows up his vivid, Operation Rescue description of the procedure ("just before the head pops out, the abortionist sticks a scissors into the baby's head and sucks out his or her brains") by calling the legislation a "no-brainer." Oh, those zany Republicans.

Adios, whiz kids

The flags over the Casa Diablo sports complex went to half-mast last week upon the death of one of P&J's boyhood heroes. Philadelphia Phillies' Hall of Famer Richie Ashburn passed away suddenly in New York, where he was staying while broadcasting the Phils series against the Mets. Thanks for the memories, Richie. You'll always be in center and hitting leadoff on Phillipe's Field of Dreams.

We also mourn the sudden loss of our golfing buddy Moe Barry, as fine a man as you'd ever want to meet. We rolled a couple of long ones in your honor on Sunday, Moe. We're sure you helped steer them into the cup.

Stadium kwik kwiz

Here are a few questions P&J would like to see answered before our close pal Governor Bigfoot sells the state and our Capital City down the river to build a new stadium (read: white elephant) for the New England Patriots. And hey, Linc and Bud-I, absolutely loved that artist's rendering of the stadium in the Urinal. Great sci-fi drawing. Guess the perspective just happened not to include the multitude of ramps from routes 95 and 10 that will be needed. Or are they not in the plans?

First question, Who else will use the stadium, or will it simply be open a maximum of 13 times a year for the Pats' three exhibition games, eight-game home schedule, and best-scenario two home playoff games?

The New England Revolution? Well, that would certainly guarantee a bunch of midweek dates to help the neighbors get to sleep. The Pawtucket Red Sox? Way too big for the cozy atmosphere Ben Mondor has created in making the PawSox a raging success. The Boston Red Sox? Sure, they'll come to Providence. Is that Hell we see freezing over?

And the artist's rendering of the oval playing field didn't make it look like it would accomodate anything but football or soccer. URI football? Way, way, way too big. Brown football? Pul-eeze. Perhaps the guv can ask PC to throw up some basketball hoops with chain nets to convince the Big East to let the Friars play their games outside during the winter.

Hey, we've got! Maybe we could make it a domed stadium, and use it as a giant casino when the Pats aren't playing! Bingo! (No pun intended.)

Worthy events

Among the many worthy fund-raising events your superior correspondents have endorsed over the years, we'd like to plug a couple here that, because of a dearth of advertising dollars, may have escaped your attention.

On Friday, September 19, a benefit bash for the legendary "Captain Carl" Bissonette will be held at the Jam-In nightclub in North Providence. Carl has booked bands in these parts since the mid-1960s, when he was the prime mover behind a series of outdoor Sun Fest concerts. But he has had a string of health problems lately (including heart-bypass surgery), which, according to one of the event's organizers, Rick Mendes, "has left him in physical, financial, and spiritual jeopardy."

At the benefit, Rick's band, Blueswagon, will perform with Killer Kane and the Blue FOs, Johnny Watson Jr. and the New Decade (being seven years into the present one, we're not exactly sure what this name means), and a number of special guests such as Ken Lyon, Mark Taber, Bobby Marcella, and Dick Souza. Admission will be free, and donations will be greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile, on Saturday, September 20, a 6 p.m. show at the Met Cafe called the "Armory Alive Bash" will feature the fine, fine, super-fine Smoking Jackets band, and tickets will cost $10. The event is sponsored by the West Broadway Neighborhood Association, which has been a prime mover in saving the Cranston Street Armory as well as in helping to improve and sustain one of the neatest transitional neighborhoods in the city. Two worthy events.

That's just not funny!

Naturally, many irreverent jokes have arisen in the aftermath of Princess Di's death, in many cases making the bad-taste bell ring like it was on a Good Humor truck. But there is no way P&J would even think of repeating jokes such as: Q: What is the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes? A: Diana wouldn't be seen dead in the back of a Toyota. Or, Q: What do the Eurostar Chunnel express train and a Mercedes have in common? A: They both travel over 120 mph in a tunnel and terminate in Paris.

Phillipe and Jorge need to uphold some standards, don't we?

Move over, Dionne Warwick

Steve Kass, the amiable host of Channel 36's Deadly Experiment, is a man of many talents. Among other things, he has been a talk-radio host, a pet store owner, and a labor mediator. He even made a rock 'n' roll record years ago. (Yes, Steve, your superior correspondents have heard this infamous disc and, for a modest fee, will never mention it again). Nonetheless, two weeks ago P&J were stunned to discover that Kass also possesses psychic abilities.

Deadly Experiment, you see, is taped on Thursday afternoons and is shown that evening at 7:30 and again on Sundays at noon. During the show taped on September 11, the first topic Steve tossed out concerned the level of media attention given to the death of Princess Diana. After implying that he thought the reaction was a bit over the top, Steve pitched the issue to the panel, adding, "What are they going to do when Mother Teresa dies?" Well, less than 24 hours later, the news from Calcutta arrived.

Although P&J know that Steve's not the kind of guy to capitalize on a mysterious episode like this, if he does decide to start wearing robes and a turban or to take to applying a stick-on third eye tattoo on the show, we'll completely understand. And please, no dire predictions about the fate of Phillipe & Jorge.

Quote of the week

Speaking at a press conference following his aborted attempt to get a Senate hearing on his nomination as ambassador to Mexico, William Weld said, "President Clinton has encouraged me not to tiptoe around Washington on bended knee."

Well, maybe it makes sense south of the border.

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