Over the top with Diana

For Phillipe & Jorge, the word "irony" is woefully inadequate to convey the media's frenzied response to the sad news of the death of Princess Diana. It's incredible how quickly the "packaging" begins. How long did it take before we saw the "Death of a Princess" (the most popular title, so far) logo inside the black-bordered photograph?At least they had a massive variety of attractive pictures to choose from.

Because only the broadest details about the Paris automobile accident that killed the chauffeur, princess, and her boyfriend were known on Sunday, the television coverage (particularly on those networks devoted to news, such as CNN and MSNBC) took the form of a surreal virtual wake. The same scanty facts repeated over and over again, interspersed with live shots of mourners throughout the world (i.e., people who had never met Diana but who, nonetheless, felt a palpable "connection" to her due to the ubiquitous nature of media coverage over the last 15 years).

And it really got weird when the culpability of the "paparazzi" took center stage. It was "pig-pile on the paparazzi," and leading the anguished cries were . . . editors from the National Enquirer, reporters from Hard Copy and Inside Edition! Didn't the network executives in charge of Dateline NBC (for instance) see any connection between what they do and the target of their hard-hitting story about the excesses of the paparazzi?

Does everyone who ever bought a magazine with the promise of a buck-naked Brad Pitt or Uma Thurman shot from 10 miles away (with the latest super-duper lens, secretly developed in a CIA lab) see how they are connected? Phillipe & Jorge are certainly connected. But, of course, we started this column nearly 20 years ago as an amusing sideshow diversion at a time before modern life kicked in and all the straight-news people started acting like P&J.

And this is modern life. Lifestyle, glamour, and celebrity are so much more marketable now, and people are far more interested in reading about the obscenely colored slacks covering the presidential buttocks. That's what the mainstream media will give us as they continue to evolve into an advertising delivery system. That's why there has been such overblown coverage of the president's vacation on Martha's Vineyard (have we ever seen the mainstream media give as much scrutiny to Clinton's role as chief executive as they have to his role as "suspected golf cheater"?), and that is why Diana is experiencing the same media overkill in death that she received in life.

Next week, the "Death of a Princess " quiz on your favorite morning radio show: what was the blood-alcohol level of the driver, Henri Paul? Was it six Frenchmen and a Romanian, six Frenchmen and a Macedonian, or six Frenchmen and a member of the cast of Rent?

Wide (pant)load

Boy, it sure gets P&J's knickers in a twist when people dare to suggest that former governor "Wide Phil" Noel may have a conflict of interest in serving as Providence Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci's pitchman for bringing the New England Patriots to Our Little Towne with promises of a new football stadium.

The fact that Wide Phil's law firm, McGovern, Noel & Benik, happens to represent Foundry Associates, which owns the land the Bud-I and Wide Phil are pitching for the site, is simply a coincidence. After all, the sale of the property would force Foundry Associates, Noel's firm, and David Tracy (one of Noel's law partners who just happens to be the son-in-law of Foundry Associates' elder statesman and who also happens to own interest in the company) to personally make loadsabucks on the deal.

This doesn't mean for an instant that the situation might compromise the judgment of a distinguished former Vo Dilun head ramrod, does it? The very idea of an ex-politician in The Biggest Little letting the incentive of a huge personal profit interfere with his professional conduct is unthinkable. Just as Patrick Kennedy might puff himself up to full-blowhard proportions over this, Phillipe and Jorge say, "Shame on you" naysayers for even thinking as much.

But at least these nit-pickers can take solace in Wide Phil's recent track record, which seems to fit with the bizarre variety of career paths other former guvs have taken -- Jumpin' Joe Garrahy to quiet and distinguished virtual retirement; Ed "Gerber Baby" DiPrete to the dock and disgrace. And let's not forget Bruce Sundlun, who metamorphosed from Captain Blowhard, prominent politician, to Captain "Ace" Blowhard, private eye.

Noel, meanwhile, has distinguished himself through his tremendous ability to pursue speeding vehicles with flashing lights. One of the most recent chases went down to the pier in Galilee, where Wide Phil personally distributed his business cards to shocked and bewildered fisherfolk after the North Cape oil spill.

Then, of course, we had Wide Phil's fantastic lobbying work on behalf of Columbia/HCA, the legal and ethics-challenged health-care company that attempted to buy Roger Williams Medical Center. Noel was the point man at the State House for the corporation, which pulled out of its sale bid after the General Assembly passed a law that might have actually forced Columbia/HCA to be somewhat accountable for quality of care.

Golly, all this should bode quite well for the former guv's chances of lining up the Patriots for La Prov. Good luck, Phil. Way to keep things aboveboard. Ooops, did we just hear a siren?

Mickey Mouse lawsuits

While we're on the topic of legal ethics, P&J were just delighted to see that a judge in Orange County, California, has decided to allow a lawsuit to be brought by a former Mouseketeer against the Walt Disney Co. Now P&J can think of a million reasons to try to sue Disney -- horrendous taste, employee browbeating, greed, Michael Eisner's existence on the planet -- but this one is a bit more Mickey Mouse, so to speak, than that.

It seems that Billy Jean Matay, an ex-colleague of Jimmy Dodd and Roy, took her three grandchildren to Disneyland, where they were robbed in the parking lot of $1650. Naturally, you're probably way ahead of us here and already realize that the robbery has nothing to do with the legal action. The suit is being brought because when Matay's three grandchildren, ages 5 to 11, were taken to a backstage area after the robbery, they saw Disneyland characters take off their costumes, which Matay alleges traumatized them.

Well, Billy Jean must have spent a bit too much time under the hair dryer with Annette Funicello and the other gals to be acting this goofy. Not to mention the judge, who actually bought the argument of Matay's lawyers that Disneyland has a legal responsibility to protect children from the emotional distress they might endure upon seeing Mickey without his head on.

P&J might argue that airheads such as Billy Jean Matay have a legal responsibility to teach their grandchildren the difference between cartoon characters and real human beings, but we realize this would be quite unreasonable and misguided in today's society.

We will give one warning, though: the first person who tells Phillipe there is no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy will find themselves hauled into court by Jorge faster than they can say, "Huey, Dewey and Louie."

Meat rampage

At Casa Diablo, we've already forgotten about the ground beef scare from a few weeks ago and are back to old habits, such as scooping the uncooked Hudsonburger directly from the cellophane-wrapped package and slathering it onto a Ritz cracker . . . the reduced-fat Ritz, of course. A slender corpse is a must for any Casa Diablo funeral and, in the words of the sage Billy Crystal, it is always better to look good than to feel good.

What's really got your superior correspondents going, though, is the latest news from Kentucky warning folks not to eat squirrel brains. It is suspected that the squirrels carry transmissible spongiform encephalopathies (aka mad cow disease, baby).

This is quite unfortunate, since our new chef, Billy Bob Spartacus, hails from western Kentucky and can whip up a batch of squirrel brains tasty enough to make Irene "Granny Clampett" Ryan spin like a lathe in her grave.

In case you're a Vo Dilunduh who doesn't eat squirrel brains on a regular basis (and you should, cuz they're cheap and easy to find . . . just hang around the State House), here's a description of a traditional Kentucky squirrel-brain eatin' ritual from the New York Times: "Someone comes by the house with just the head of a squirrel and gives it to the matriarch of the family. She shaves the fur off the top of the head and fries the head whole. The skull is cracked open at the dinner table and the brains are sucked out."

This sounds about right for West Warwick, but we suspect that on the East Side of Providence, they'd prefer their squirrel brains scrambled in white gravy. We know . . . we've got ya droolin', so we shouldn't torture you with details when there's a momentary scare on. Better you stick with what Phillipe & Jorge find to be a reasonable facsimile: raw bacon, slightly warmed by placing the strips on a common household flatiron for about 20 seconds a side, dipped in granulated sugar. Mmm-mmm good!

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