Linc Almond,
not Chuck Berry

Maybe we are finding ourselves more and more distracted these days. Or maybe we have fallen prey to certain channel-surfing behavior patterns that render us incapable of fixating on any television image (let alone comprehending it) for more than 20 seconds before clicking the remote panel. Or maybe our minds begin to wander when, starting at 5 p.m., we sit down to 90 minutes of local news that is comprised of a seamless weave of fluff, gossip, and relentless station promos. Regardless, it's so hard to concentrate these days.

On Monday, this seemed to be true for many of our fellow local news consumers as well. At the time, all the stations were airing a report on a gubernatorial bill signing-cum-dog-and-pony show concerning legislation that requires children age 5 and younger to not only wear seat belts, but to ride in the back seats of all motor vehicles.

After the soundbite, the governor provided a visual to go with the reports. Recruiting his young granddaughter, Amy, for the demonstration, he buckled her up in the back seat of the Guv-mobile.

Only problem was that in the video, shown on channels 10 and 12, the Lincmeister took some time to accomplish this. And for those who had just tuned in or who had been drowsily fluctuating between sleep and consciousness, it may not have been immediately obvious what exactly the governor was doing with this young child. This was the case with Channel 10 viewers anyway.

The station featured the story about the new child safety laws for their "call-in" segment of the newscast, during which viewers are encouraged to call in to "voice their opinion" on a selected news topic. Apparently, a number of calls came in from concerned citizens wanting to know what was happening to that little girl. Could it be that, like Phillipe & Jorge, large segments of the Channel 10 audience had flashed back to the seat-belt verse of Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place to Go"? If so, shame on them.

Rest assured, folks, that Amy is fine, and the governor's seat-belt-buckling skills are bound to improve. On the other hand, if this is what's running through our minds, maybe we've all been watching too much TV.

Our mothers would call it lying

Phillipe and Jorge must admit we were shocked -- shocked, we say -- to learn that the Providence Place mall developers' guestimates on the shopping megaplex's opening date were off by a year.

Now normally that observation would've been delivered tongue-in-cheek, but having once worked on an aspect of the mall ourselves, P&J know from an insider's perspective that everyone (at least the people we dealt with) was above-board and honest about the project -- no matter how horrendous the histories of Dan Lugosch, Bob Congel, and the Pyramid Corporation (the original team of perspective developers) were.

The fact that our good friend Michael Doyle and the current team of developers have begun twisting the truth is very disappointing -- and, if you'd like our opinion, very unbecoming to Doyle's extremely well-respected PR firm.

Politicians and their ilk may shrug their shoulders and chalk this up to evasiveness. Our mothers, however, might not be so easily fooled. Evasiveness on such a grand level would probably result in our getting our mouths washed out with soap for lying. Indeed, if the developers, investors, and PR folks gave the people their due for understanding that an effort like this takes time and money, perhaps less people would feel railroaded by big-money white boys.

As for the Missing Linc, we were astonished and appalled when he said that although he knew the mall couldn't make the deadline, he didn't say anything because no one asked. Excuse us, but what a crock, Governor. You are supposed to be the state's leader, so don't play the reticent wallflower on issues that involve the biggest investment project in Rhode Island.

Should we assume as well that unless you're asked about intentional cost overruns and a bankrupt DOT, you won't say anything publicly? Your comments make us believe that either you're being "evasive" in the extreme, Mr. Almond, or there's truth to your critics' charge that you are asleep behind the wheel. Maybe we should consult our moms as to the correct answer.

The Family Dependence Act

Isn't it amazing how skilled government officials have become at the great (and, at this point, only) American art form -- marketing? We particularly like the names they come up with for various policy initiative packages.

The Contract with America, for instance, was just fabulous for giving people the impression that something legal or binding or fair was going on. Even more entertaining was the Defense of Marriage Act, the federal legislation created to deny legal status to lesbian or gay marriages. Despite the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with "defending marriage," it sure sounded a whole lot more palatable than an actually honest and accurate label would have, such as the "Let's Continue to Restrict the Human Rights of Queers Act."

Back on May 1, the Family Independence Act went into effect in Vo Dilun. Basically, your family becomes independent by being booted off AFDC. Actually, this wouldn't be as absurd as some of the other (generally) Republican programs if an actual effort were made to find decent-paying work for these folks. When all this welfare reform was initially discussed, after all, a lot of lip service was given to "welfare-to-work" schemes. But Phillipe and Jorge are still looking for the follow-through or, if there has been some follow-through, evidence of it.

Henry Shelton at the George Wiley Center has asked Governor Bigfoot to release data on how many AFDC people were hired by state agencies since May 1. From a Wiley Center press release: "Governor Almond can't very well ask the private sector to offer their fair share of the jobs to help persons on welfare obtain family-wage jobs unless he leads by example and hires persons on AFDC in each of the departments of state government."

What do you mean he can't, Henry? Not only has there been no effort to create jobs for AFDC people, but all we hear nowadays is a lot of whining about having to pay folks who were formerly on assistance the minimum wage. Hey, we're not talking about "a living wage" here, but the minimum wage.

It's interesting that even though "the economy is booming," we must make exceptions to paying people such a pittance. Gee, maybe all those stockholders and CEOs who are raking in millions will have to settle for a few million less if they're forced to offer real full-time jobs with real benefits.

So what has the state of Rhode Island done to make the Family Independence Act work? Will we get an answer from the governor, or will he treat this request the way we suspect he treats the Family Independence Act -- just ignore it and eventually the alleged "welfare-to-work" crowd will disappear into the streets, into the shelters and soup kitchens, onto the highway entrance ramps with their cardboard signs. And then we will proclaim that we have reformed welfare.

Host with the most . . . problems

President Billary obviously failed to read the local papers in Vo Dilun before dropping in on developer Gerald Zarrella during the presidential visit to Block Island.

In an op-ed piece in the Urinal on August 4, historian and Block Island Times contributor Robert Downie publicly read Zarrella's beads, revealing the charming gent's history of (count 'em) allegedly beating his wife and suing his best friend for "alienation of affection" after the man allegedly had an affair with her, appearing on the Donahue show to air all this dirty laundry, building on problematic lots, and enjoying a list of friends such as disgraced former West Warwick mayor Michael Levesque.

P&J are now pleased to see that an obviously out-of-sorts Zarrella has filed an ethics complaint against John Speir, Block Island's zoning board chairman and a local builder. Speir's lawyers say the complaint is not only frivolous but factually incorrect. Jeez, sounds like Zarrella's consolation prize for offering Clinton his home was the free use of one of Clinton's attorneys.

Speaking of Billary's overplayed visit to the Biggest Little, he not only disrupted Block Island. In the days prior to his visit, the Prez had local officials in Jamestown jumping through hoops as well to accommodate what turned out to be a whimsical notion of getting in nine holes at the Jamestown Golf Course. Well, at least the Secret Service advance boys got to play a few holes while scoping out the course the Thursday before Billary's visit to the Block -- until their cellular phones rang and they discovered the visit was off. Fore(-geddaboutdit)!

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