The nutty professor

P&J are extremely sorry that the ACLU's Steve "Bad Hair" Brown had to get involved in fighting professor Steven Grubman-Black's plans to ban the Phoenix from URI's College of Continuing Education in downtown La Prov. We realize Brown has much better things to do than clean up the messes politically-correct academics make when they try to deal with the real world.

As this week's front-page story in the Urinal recounts, Grubby-Black turned loose a small class of his students on a crusade to keep the Phoenix out of URI/CCE because of its adult personal ads.

Of course, the fact that Grubby-Black didn't know much about the rest of the paper, even that it was a weekly, didn't stop him -- when you are trying to convince a university to abandon its commitment to free thinking and lead a handful of misled youths in dictating views to the entire community, these sorts of things don't matter.

Grubby-Black told the BeloJo that he teaches from a "feminist-political perspective," which is typical meaningless educational gobbledygook. Judging from his actions in censorship, P&J can only assume that this view of the world involves positioning one's head between one's buttocks.

Indeed, to show just how smart he was, Grubby-Black told the Belojo that "the intent of the [adult personal ads] seemed to be to sell flesh." Well, golllleeee, Gomer. You got it, son!

Grubby-Black evidently thought he could appear the hero by going to yet another small group, URI/CCE's Building Use Committee, which did initially acquiesce to banning Phillipe and Jorge's popular organ.

Later, Gary Lulli, head of the committee, tried to cover his butt by saying that the Phoenix was a safety hazard to blind students and that kids were flushing the Adult Section down toilets as a joke. This doesn't even pass the laugh test, gang.

Fortunately, after the ACLU's intervention at the behest of John Leo, a professor who actually has a life, URI/CCE dean Walter Crocker said the Phoenix would be made available in the student lounge.

Hats off to Messrs. Brown and Leo as well as to reporter C.J. Chivers, who actually got a line about the Urinal's own revenue-producing sex ads past his editors (and for giving P&J a couple of plugs, but we'll take care of repaying that debt with a few chilled bottles of neck oil at a later date).

We're sure all P&J fans would agree that our Walking Eagle Award, given to those individuals who are so full of shit they can't fly, should jointly (and we mean jointly, sweetheart) go to Steve Grubby-Black and Gary Lulli.

More slop from the trough

Isn't it a joy to see that while most environmental bills in the General Assembly are going nowhere, Smith Hillbilly Vinnie "Family Man" Mesolella has been able to ram through the House a bill tripling the administrative budget of his Narragansett Bay Commission's tank fund?

The House has also passed a bill allowing NBC to set its own rates, which ought to further fatten Family Man's campaign chest if his fund-raising history is any indication.

Hats off to Mesolella's colleagues in the House who voted for these measures, in the former's case without even so much as a public hearing, legislative committee review, or even NBC approval. These profiles in courage will go along with any piece of sewage the deputy house majority whip and his fellow bully boys in the House leadership, Speaker Pucky Harwood and Majority Leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo, float in front of them.

Not that Family Man isn't the type of guy you wouldn't want to support. Just ignore the fact that he's being sued by two former business partners who allege that a few years ago, Mesolella forged their signatures on a deed to acquire sole ownership of a valuable piece of real estate.

Actually, your superior correspondents can't believe Mesolella had that much time on his hands back then. If our memory serves, he was quite busy as the waste haulers' butt boy in the State House.

Spam -- a declaration of independence

It's almost time for the big question that all Vo Dilunduhs must confront come Independence Day -- should I stay or should I go? In other words, shall we head out at 3 a.m. for Bristol, home of the country's oldest 4th of July parade, or shall we run like hell in the opposite direction?

It probably depends on how big a fan you are of traditional Vo Dilun entertainment, which, on the 4th, means watching a bunch of musket-totin' middle-aged men sweating their buttocks off in authentic woolen Revolutionary War drag -- or waving to Salty Brine, who is propped up on the back seat of a convertible and bellowing, "Ahoy, shipmates."

According to local legend, this is our idea of a good time and yet another reason why local beer sales are astronomical in early July. But there are others who, in the words of Martha's Vineyard chanteuse Carly Simon, "haven't got time for the pain."

For those folks who are considering taking a break from watching guys in tri-cornered hats followed by a bagpipe orchestra's rendition of Rick James's "Superfreak," followed by the first-place-winning Chamber of Commerce float commemorating "The History of the Barbecue," followed by the Casa Diablo float (Hercules wrestling Amelia Earhart on a giant bearskin rug . . . with apologies to Ken Russell), your superior correspondents suggest an alternative.

From July 3-6, the people of Austin, Minnesota, will proudly present the SPAM Town USA Festival. The 60th anniversary of the canned luncheon meat has proved to be fertile fodder for the Monty Python gang as well as many a wonk on the Internet, where Spam Websites are as ubiquitous as former Cabana Club employees at the Teamsters' picnic.

Our fave rave is the Spam haiku site, where someone with a graduate degree in literature and a lot of spare time can settle in pretty comfortably until the millennium hits.

The Spam Town USA Festival features a Spam recipe contest, a concert by country music star (and avowed Spamaholic) Trace Adkins, and plenty o' foolishness. Call (507) 437-3448 for further details.

A loser list

P&J might come off sounding a bit like our close personal friend Providence Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci here, but Money magazine's ranking of Our Little Towne as 240th out of the 300 cities listed as "best places to live" is just that -- rank.

While we are not particularly familiar with the ambiance and living environment of places like Nashua, New Hampshire, or Rochester, Minnesota, which came in as numbers one and two, we are familiar with number 150 -- Bridgeport, Connecticut. Phillipe used to live there, and his brother still does.

Never mind that this city is bankrupt, but the three months P. spent in P.T. Barnum's hometown were the longest of his life. Add to this the fact that many areas of the city are wonderful places to take your skin for a crawl, and La Prov looks like Paris in comparison.

Providence is indeed undergoing a renaissance, both economically and culturally, and if Money's judgment of Bridgeport is any indication of the rest of its list, we think it is highly suspect. No need to thank us, Bud-I. We're just pointing out the obvious.

Kudos &congrats . . .

. . . to George of the Jungle & Pucky, the Rhode Island House leadership, for doing their best to kill the school breakfast bill last week. Rather than getting into grand theories of social behavior and conditioning or other theoretical concerns, P&J would like to make one simple point: if children are hungry, we should do what we can to feed them. Those so-called Christian conservatives who voted against the bill might want to ask themselves whether Jesus would have dealt with this by arguing some alleged principle or by just feeding the kids. We think they know the answer to that question.

While a number of Democrats in the House (43, to be exact) broke rank with Pucky and Jungle Boy on this one, a pat on the back to state Representative Brock Bierman of Cranston, the only Republican to vote for the bill.

. . . to John McLaughlin, ex-priest, ex-Rhode Islander, and ex-reasonable human being, who was married this past weekend to a woman old enough to be his daughter. It's the ex-Catholic priest's second marriage. Good going, John. Guess we won't be hearing "Issue One: Joe Kennedy's annulment, Issue Two: conservative family values hypocrisy," on Johnny Boy's World Pundit Association grappling contest. Bye-bye.

. . . to state Senator Domenic Ruggerio, who staunchly opposed a bill by his colleague, Senator John Roney, that would raise the salaries of the Biggest Little's statewide office holders by more than $20,000 each. Although the bill passed the Senate 34 to 11, Ruggerio argued that "many of the constituents I serve don't even make $30,000." Which, as we all know, isn't even enough to purchase condoms on a regular basis.

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