Model legislator

What a surprise to see the smiling puss of Pennsylvania college baseball legend and Vo Dilun Speaker of the House John "Pucky" Harwood staring up at your superior correspondents from the pages of this month's Federal Hill Gazette. But why? This isn't an election year, after all, and it seems a bit early to be wishing the folks of "Da Hill" a happy St. Joseph's Day.

Well, it seems that Pucky has exchanged his tri-cornered statesman's hat for the jaunty beret of the male model. Yes, he appeared in a half-page ad for Spardello's Clothiers at 1375 Mineral Spring Avenue in "Nought" Providence.

Noting that Spardello's is "formerly the location of Montecello's for Men" (a place that was, as they say in the Biggest Little, "connected"), the ad goes on to talk about Pucky himself.

"When John Harwood, Speaker of the House of Representatives, makes a choice of clothiers, he is positively bipartisan," it says. "As John is keenly aware, image is everything. John's vote goes to Spardello's."

While your superior correspondents are positively bisexual about our choice of "clothiers" (S.V. DePaul of Fall River), we congratulate the Spardello's copywriter for the sharp observation that the Puckster is "keenly aware, image is everything" (and substance, nothing).

We'll bet the speakah did this ad gratis. Still, it must be nice to know that you've got friends who can help out when you need that special something and that you don't have to go the Tom Fay route of billing the state directly for shoe rentals.

P&J fully expect this will become a trend among others in the legislature as well. We don't know which of the new Providence Place Mall stores will handle the leopard print Speedos, but if they don't get "George of the Jungle" Caruolo's John Hancock on a modeling contract in the next few months, they've missed out on a golden marketing opportunity. And wouldn't Senator Bill Irons cut a cunnin' image in children's clothing?

Louie, Louie -- he gotta go

It is with a heavy heart that Phillipe and Jorge bid adieu to our old friend Bishop Louis Jellomold, who is stepping down as head of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Providence. As our famous post card illustrates, we three formed a mutual admiration society. What P&J will miss most about Jellomold is our late-night papal bull sessions, when we discussed theological issues and dipped heavily into the confessional wine cellar.

We're just so sorry we won't be able to see any more televised interviews with the Urinal's M. Chuckie Bakst squirming in his seat, too afraid to ask the questions on the minds of most Rhode Islanders.

Darwin reverso editing

Yes, folks in the print media are facing a lot of pressures these days -- pressure to keep the money pouring in for the owners and for the top execs with massive financial perks and pressure to figure out ways to cut back on staff size and pay and still put out a decent product. Something has to be sacrificed, and P&J know what all the courageous media moguls of today know -- see ya, staff; see ya, quality.

Over at the BeloJo, employees apparently have addressed the problem by hiring trained monkeys from Texas to do a large portion of the editing. This is the only thing that would explain the headline in the umpteenth Jack Major column addressing reader complaints about the new "TV Week" listings in the Sunday paper: SO WE DIDN'T MAKE A GREAT FIRST IMPRESION, it says.

Right, Jack, and your second "impresion" comes up a little short, too. Short precisely one "s." (By the way, the response to the new TV booklet was about the only controversy in the otherwise overwhelmingly consistent public reaction of "Duhhh!" to the Sunday Urinal's new design.)

As we all know, typos happen. Still, we did have to wonder about the entry in the "Rhode Island Journal" section announcing the Ocean State Senior Games from June 20-22. According to the notice, "Any Rhode Islander who turns 40 by June 22 is eligible to participate." Does this qualify (to paraphrase Senator Moynihan) as "defining doddering downward," or is it just another typo? If this is accurate, P&J want to know where we can get our free bus passes.

On the front page of the June 12 Metro section of the O.P., the headline ELMWOOD NEIGHBORS PETITION AGAINST ZONING CHANGE accompanied a story about a zoning controversy across town in Elmhurst. Apparently the BeloJo has discovered the same employment agency the local TV news stations have been using to hire the tech staffs for their weekend reports.

Overheard in the boys' room

. . . Your superior correspondents were traveling down Atwells Avenue past Lucy's (very superior) restaurant the other day when we noticed a huge banner near the intersection of Harris Avenue announcing the "Woonasquatucket River Greenway Festival in Olneyville." And we thought that the only green things to be found in Olneyville were teeth.

. . . Nice going to the US House of Representatives for bringing back that incredibly pressing issue, the constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning. In 1996 there were a grand total of six flag-burning incidents in the country. Compare this with the number of actual problems Congress could be addressing. If this isn't the epitome of phony patriotism and Mr. Man posturing, we don't know what is. Get a grip on reality, you idiots.

. . . And howzabout that Senator John Celona and his nitwit fellow solons? Their big push to get the fantasy "Providence Patriot's Stadium" is a boneheaded idea for a number of reasons, the first being that Vo Dilunduhs will not (and should not) put up the money required. Guaranteed, Kraft and the Pats will want some manner of concessions that will cost us money. Here are a few other reasons P&J oppose the stadium: it would not create a lot of jobs; most of the payroll would go to the overpaid players who wouldn't be spending it around here; the alleged increased economic activity would be largely "transfer" stuff and few existing businesses would profit. And check out Mark S. Rosentraub's book Major League Losers: The Real Cost of Sports And Who's Paying For It, where all of these arguments are explained. In a detailed look at what happened in Montreal, Toronto, Cleveland, and other cities, Rosentraub wrote about sports owners who basically got the cities to put up the money and then grabbed the profit. We can't afford the Patriots.

No balls

Supernova golfer Tiger Woods seems bent on destroying his public reputation as quickly as he has found fame. First, he went into the tank and became Nike CEO Phil Knight's personal butt-boy and walking billboard. Next, he blew off Major League Baseball's tribute to Jackie Robinson to open a restaurant and to take a Mexican vacation. Then he got nailed making off-color and homophobic jokes in GQ.

Now Tiger has further hurt his image by refusing to autograph a golf ball that was to be auctioned off at a benefit for Charities for Children. The annual golf tournament is easily the hottest benefit in The Biggest Little, with super-yuppie white boys coming out in legions for the chance to play with big-time sports and cinema celebs like Joe Pesci.

What makes Woods's refusal even more potentially disastrous is that Rhode Island PGA pro Brad Faxon, who organized the event with fellow pro Billy Andrade, is generally regarded as the nicest guy on the PGA tour, a guy whose easygoing manner, generosity, and professional demeanor makes him everyone's buddy.

That the much-resented wunderkind Woods screwed Brad and the equally likable Andrade will put a real chill into his locker room and on-course relationships. Also upping the ante is the fact that Faxon's wife came up with the idea of creating special golf balls with the prestigious Masters tournament logo on them and then having them signed by all the living Masters champions. In fact, the set has already been bid on, and the winner paid $50,000, all of which went to charity.

Faxon and Andrade went to great lengths to make sure that Tiger knew this wasn't a rip-off of his famous name, and both are reportedly livid that he has refused.

Tiger Woods might do well to spend less time on the practice tee and more with Miss Manners and a Dale Carnegie book. Meanwhile, Phillipe and Jorge would like to offer our thanks to Billy Andrade and Brad and Bonnie Faxon for their thoughtfulness and loyalty in "coming home" to help out the children of New England.

And since they are all too kindhearted to do so themselves, we'd like tell Tiger Woods that he knows what hole he can put his balls in, autographed or not.

---

The P & J archive

---