I love you, man!

You would think that the peripatetic mayor of Providence has enough on his burgeoning plate, but on Saturday afternoon en route to a wedding (undoubtedly his umpteenth personal appearance of the day) the Bud-I responded to a report on his police scanner of a possible suicide attempt on Federal Hill. Without bothering to stop at a phone booth to change into cape and tights, SuperBud-I had instructed his driver to head straight for the scene of the potential tragedy.

According to the Other Paper's report, when he arrived on the scene Hizzonah attempted to phone the psychiatrist of the anguished young man, who'd barricaded himself inside a condominium on Tell Street with a couple of knives and a loaded gun. The Bud-I then talked to the man himself and convinced him to ride with the mayor and Chief of Police Urbano Prignano to Rhode Island Hospital.

Yet another day in the life of the fabulous SuperBud-I. But our favorite parts of the story in the BeloJo were in details such as these: "Cianci talked with the man for about an hour in the bedroom. They hugged and each drank a bottle of Budweiser." (No, not the Mayor's Own Brew. The Bud-I says he hates beer.) And there was this: "The man tells Cianci, `Okay, I love you. I've seen you on television.' "

After exchanges like these, P&J are surprised that the next move wasn't a little gondola ride at sunset. But you've gotta hand it to the mayor. He performed heroically, and the end result was that he saved a man's life. And while a lot of folks in the capital city are still grumbling about its less-than-stellar performance after the last snowstorm, where else in America do you get city services like this? Sombreros off to SuperBud-I.

Planning Boy scores a win

This week's U.S. News & World Report contains a nice full-page article on local boy Ira Magaziner. For those who don't know what Our Man in the Clinton White House has been up to lately, the story will fill you in on his latest activities.

Ira's the point man on all issues dealing with the Internet -- censorship, encryption, technical standards, privacy, intellectual property. And unlike his ill-fated health-care initiative of 1993, Ira's "Framework for Global Electronic Commerce" is apparently receiving rave reviews from all quarters.

The magazine describes the Magaziner blueprint as a "policy hit" and notes that both Japan and the European Union have drafted policies that borrow heavily from Ira's document. Also in sharp contrast to the health-care initiative, Ira's proposals have reportedly gained a consensus among 18 government agencies and dozens of global organizations. Chalk a big one up for our favorite Planning Boy.

Knotty Pine

What in God's name is Attorney General Jeff Pine thinking? "I think we should torture him, but we can't," he told the BeloJo last week. What a hideous sentiment. Even though Mr. Pine was talking about Timothy McVeigh, Phillipe and Jorge have huge problems with anyone condoning torture.

We also have read enough from Latin American writers like Jacobo Timmerman and from victims of the Holocaust to know that they would not wish to inflict this type of abominable human behavior on anyone either. Despite what they endured, they have no desire to plumb the depths of depravity to which those who resort to torture sink.

By picking on America's current most popular villain, Pine is perhaps trying to play tough guy to woo back the voters who are appalled by the joke shop his office has become. But please get your head and rug screwed on straight, Jeff -- torture is a stance no one should advocate, much less the The Biggest Little's top lawman.

Think about it. You're a higher-minded and smarter man than that -- or so we were led to believe.

Walking Eagle

Speaking of rugs, don'tcha just love it when a lawyer lies like one and gets away with it? Phillipe and Jorge are referring, of course, to Bristol County District Attorney Paul Walsh's explanations (and note the plural, darlings) for flipping his car over in Warwick and then abandoning it on Route 195 just over the line in his own area of jurisdiction in Massachusetts. Hey, doesn't everyone call their public relations guy to help them out when they have car trouble?

While Walsh and his faithful butt boys and girls have offered only about a dozen discrepancies in their stories to the public thus far, it took Attorney General Jeff Pine, in an apparently rare lucid moment, to begin an actual investigation of the incident.

Of course, you and I wouldn't get away with giving such explanations after rolling over our autos on a major highway ramp. We guess Paulie's new to these here parts.

For all of the evasive and contradictory answers Walsh has offered to date, including the verifiably false assertion that he reported the accident to the Massachusetts State Police, Phillipe and Jorge give the Bristol County D.A. our Walking Eagle Award, which honors those individuals who are so full of shit they can't fly.

You have to love Walsh's best line, particularly the reference to Teddy Kennedy: "No booze, no drugs, no girls, no Chappaquiddick Bridge. It's a real boring story." We hope Jeff Pine thinks otherwise.

Thanks for nothing

P&J are shedding no tears over Air Force General Joseph Ralston's decision to drop out of the running to head the Joint Chiefs of Staff because of a previous affair. Personally, your superior correspondents believe privacy begins at your front door, nevermind the bedroom door, and we could care less if General Joey was playing hide the F-14 with someone other than his wife. That doesn't reflect on job performance capabilities unless he's up for Joint Chief of Gigolos. (Whew, there's a double entendre.)

But what goes around comes around, so if Ralston gets nailed in the same cockeyed crusade (ba-boom!) that forced First Lieutenant Kelly Flinn out of the service, then tough for the general. The person Ralston should really be pissed off at is meathead Defense Secretary William Cohen, who attempted to give Ralston a break he didn't deserve in the best good-old-boy fashion.

Saying he was "drawing a line" on the military's uncovering of sexual violations, Cohen maintained that because of Ralston's good record, he still deserved to be considered for the position. Funny how Flinn's own meritorious conduct didn't inspire Cohen to intervene on her behalf, though.

This is your basic case of double standards. Protect the empty suits -- or uniforms, in this case -- and let's all go have a drink at the Pentagon Tap and tell war stories about life in the Combat Zone, if you Bostonians know what we mean. We feel as sorry for Ralston as we did for Flinn when her personal life was exposed, but isn't this a nice little karmic payback for "Don't ask, don't tell?"

Teeing off

A stout-hearted friend of Phillipe and Jorge's attempted to argue recently that Tiger Woods's flawless brown-hued skin is not because of his mixed Thai and African-American parentage but because he has had his head up the arse of Nike CEO Phil Knight forsuch a long time. While we are a bit suspect of this claim, it's true that Woods doesn't own a stitch of clothing without a Nike logo and that he's considering getting that same swoosh tattooed onto his forehead. Suck up. Just do it.

Plus ca change mais . . .

P&J received a brochure from Cox Communications in the mail announcing, "On June 1, 1997, Cox Communications is introducing some exciting new changes!" Wow!

And what tops the list of "exciting new changes" directly below this titillating headline? "Our Cox Customer Service phone number will remain (800) 955-9515." Bow-wow!

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