Hit Dog hits on foxes

Phillipe and Jorge were a bit surprised to learn that Red Sox slugger Mo "Hit Dog" Vaughn celebrated his triple-home-run game versus the Yankees on Friday, May 30, by relaxing at La Prov's own civilized gentleman's club, the Foxy Lady.

An acquaintance of your superior correspondents tells us that while Mo was basking in his glory that evening, he enjoyed the usual parade of pulchritude featured on the huge roadside billboard ad for the Foxy Lady on Route 95.

Naturally, Mo was besieged by autograph-seekers, who took time from stuffing folded currency into the dancers' G-strings to acquire the 1995 American League MVP's signature.

No doubt this activity took a toll on the Sox superstar because the Hit Dog followed up on his Foxy Lady soiree by going 0-4 at the plate. Maybe his big bat was just worn out from the day (and night) before. After all, you wouldn't expect him to strike out at the Foxy Lady, would you?

Food boy strikes again

We don't mean to slight our friend and Belojo food editor Donna Lee, but if she ever gets the urge to write about ratty couch exchanges at Halitosis Hall or to go mano-a-mano with Tom DiLuglio on "The Deadly Experiment," the Other Paper's political columnist, M. Charles Bakst, seems more than ready to switch places. Why Charlie has not been named food editor of the paper already is a mystery to us. After all, if the media's Bad Hair Day king has a greater passion than politics, it's food.

On Tuesday, Bakst once again gave us the all-important food report from a State House press conference announcing a Fleet Bank expansion in Lincoln. "The Gallimaufry-catered spread here was very upscale: spinach dip, curry dip, sliced fruit and vegetables," he wrote. "Purple chive blossoms graced lemonade in a punchbowl."

Chuckie tried to justify his most recent rhapsodic salute to a state-sponsored foodfest with the observation that "I knew this would be a great day because there's a correlation between the upbeatness of State House news and the quality of the food."

Well, at least he attempted to connect his unbridled enthusiasm for tying on the feedbag with the actual subject matter at hand. Urinal sports scribe Bill Reynolds merely tosses in a few movie reviews with no explanation whatsoever in his Saturday columns.

Maybe Charlie has no interest in switching to straight food writing because he knows when he's got a good thing going. Not only does he get to dig in at every campaign fund-raiser and visit with out-of-town dignitaries (thanks, Patrick), but Phillipe & Jorge happen to know that his wife, Elizabeth, is a fabulous cook as well.

Could be that if Charlie switched to straight food coverage, he'd blow up to Paul Prudhomme proportions and have to start tooling around in one of those little modified golf carts. Bon appetit, Charlie.

Another Fellatio Alger story

Congratulations to the US Supreme Court for enhancing the possibility that we may all be privy to the "distinguishing characteristics" of Mr. Clinton's johnson. Now that Paula Jones has prevailed in her attempt to force Big Bill to deal with her sexual harassment lawsuit against him while he's still in office, it looks like the public will be treated to the real Slick Willy.

Not only are hordes of morning radio performers thanking their lucky stars for this new dick joke windfall that has fallen in their laps (ba boom, there's one right there), but that increasingly superfluous human zeppelin, Rush Limbaugh, also must be writhing in ecstacy. What a way to usher in the millennium!

As for your superior correspondents, we find the issue far too coarse for our refined commentary and will only address it in the coming months if we can find some really neat lines from the Tubby Boots playbook to torturously twist around to fit the circumstances.

There could be a reward for any readers who aid us in this noble pursuit. Send your best inane references here to Casa Diablo or just whisper them in our ears if you bump into us. It shouldn't be too hard to find P&J. We'll be the guys in the sombreros over at the trailer park dragging the hundred dollar bill on a string.

Master class

So what's the problem with changing the old high school yearbook? This week the Other Paper decided to comment on a decision by the student staff and faculty advisor at Toll Gate High in Warwick to discontinue a 10-year-old section in their yearbook featuring the top 20 academic students.

Hey, give us a break! P&J understand why there wasn't enough room -- the kids wanted to add a section of photographs of their "personally chosen memorabilia."And isn't a vivid color display of Joe or Janey's paging beeper or a full-page reproduction of the entire lyrics to Jewel's latest Top 10 opus more pertinent than remembering and saluting some clown who just happened to work his or her ass off to achieve something of lasting value (i.e., knowledge)?

School principal John Golden, who disagrees with the change, told the BeloJo that one student on the yearbook staff explained his decision by saying that he "didn't want to give individual recognition based on a genetic advantage."

Yeah, baby, that's right! And next year it'll be time to remove all the sports sections to show those "genetically advantaged" soccer, tennis, and volleyball players that every single member of the class of '98 would be an all-stater were it not for that totally unfair master race advantage. Damn those French.

Go, West!

The changes to the Open Records and Open Meetings laws sought by the "would-be reformers" who so frighten House Speaker Pucky Harwood and House Majority Leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo have become a major issue in the press, leading several of the less-than-steady-on-their-hind-legs types at Halitosis Hall to claim that the proposed alterations are simply meant to abet the ink-stained Fourth Estate. (They say this even though the polls show that 75 percent of Rhode Islanders favor more freedom of information and open government.)

The fact that ACCESS/RI, one of the major advocates for opening up public records, has a strong media contingent at its helm has brought even more attacks from those favoring business as usual -- the work in the shadows that brings them the power and side benefits they so much enjoy.

Still, among the press, only Joe Baker of the Newport Daily News has gone beyond this initial analysis to get at another root cause for why the amendments are having such a hard time in the legislature. "At least the lawmakers have taken their shots at the press in public," Baker wrote in his column on June 2. "The Phil West [executive director of Common Cause] factor has been a dirty little secret."

Baker went on to explain that West's high-profile persistence and occasional holier-than-thou approach have turned the fight against reform into a personal crusade against West. He concluded his column by saying, "Several House members have admitted privately that legislators `hate' West, and it is one of the reasons these bills are in the deep freeze. Consider that when you consider the `public' reasons legislators give for killing these bills."

Phillipe and Jorge have known Phil West since he first took over at Common Cause years ago. We have an enormous amount of respect for his integrity, his values, and his objectives as Common Cause's leader and as an individual. We also have disagreed with him and Common Cause on many occasions, but overall, we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him 99 percent of the time and are proud to do so.

In this case, Phil West should wear the fear and loathing directed at him by the House leadership and their cronies as a badge of honor, like being on Tricky Dick Nixon's enemies list.

So a word to the clowns who are burying these much-needed reform bills to spite Phil West. It's not the actor, it's the role. If Phil West is gone, there are many, many others to push for better government in this state.

We're here, we're sincere, get used to it. And keep up the good work, Phil. You know it's working when they start attacking you and the media as much as they have this session.

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