Food fights

The angry screaming you heard emanating from the Kent Heights Fields in East Providence last week wasn't kids contesting a called third strike. No, it was an angry standoff between ice cream vendors -- the Juice Oasis and Palagi's Ice Cream -- over who had dibs to the best spot to peddle fudgsicles to the 'ute of East Providence. Both vendors apparently have been making trips to the city clerk's office to complain about the other.

But isn't that the way in Vo Dilun? Nothing stirs the juices like a battle over food. Phillipe and Jorge are reminded of the protracted struggle on the

floor of the House in Halitosis Hall a few years back when coffee milk boosters squared off against the frozen lemonade warriors. And who can forget the ruckus that ensued when former Providence mayor (Boy) Joe Paolino attempted to have Haven Brothers moved from its place of honor next to City Hall?

In hindsight, this might not have been such a bad idea, considering how Vo Dilun's wiener wagon of choice proved to be such a magnet last month to the internationally recognized noise polluter John Tesh, who had been inexplicably hired to perform at PPAC.

In another food note, the House passed legislation last week exempting land-based lobster processors from a state law that prohibits fishermen from severing the tails of live lobsters. Not surprisingly, the legislation was introduced by state Rep. (and Newport restaurateur) Paul Crowley, veteran of many a Rhody food fight.

The bill passed 87-1, and we are still tracking down the rumor that the dissenting vote was cast by a non-representative in red who slowly waddled out of the building beneath the eyesight of the chamber.

Weathering the Strom

If you stick around long enough, praise will surely come your way. Exhibit A: Strom Thurmond. Yes, the senator from South Carolina with the Bozo the Clown orange-tinted hair has now served longer in the US Senate than anyone. He is also the oldest person to sit (and frequently doze) in Congress, surpassing the Biggest Little's Theodore Francis Green, who served in the Senate from 1937-61. When Green left at age 93, most observers noted that he was a few bricks short of a load. While glad that Strom's in good health, we are entirely displeased that he still sits in Washington.

Thurmond, of course, is best known for keeping himself in good physical shape through exercise, which is good for Strom but not necessarily for the nation. He has been not only wrong, but profoundly wrong, about a number of the most important issues of his tenure. As an example, Thurmond stood strong for segregation and, in many instances, led the charge.

Switching from the Democratic to the Republican party in the mid-'60s, he also helped Nixon craft his infamous "southern strategy" to exploit white southerners' racial fears to garner votes. Indeed, the only thing that altered Thurmond's course on race was political reality. He was a hawk on Vietnam and continues to be a reliable troglodyte in any consideration of social policy.

But today Strom is hailed as a kind grandfather figure, and after winning reelection last year, he has the opportunity to continue to obstruct progressive policy until he reaches 100.

Your superior correspondents have never been big fans of term limits, but Strom Thurmond is certainly a strong reason to consider them. Of course, with perfect perversity, Strom is in favor of term limits himself. As usual, he's a little late.

The road to Sri Lanka

Religion took top priority at Casa Diablo last week when, in a burst of spontaneity, Phillipe and Jorge headed to Sri Lanka to celebrate the Buddha's birthday on May 20, the Poya Vesak full-moon holiday in old Ceylon.

We're not saying Americans know as much about Sri Lanka as Sri Lankans know about our country, but P&J's favorite question came from a local civic leader we visited. "You DON'T have water buffalo in your country?" he asked incredulously. This was as we drove through the paddy fields around beautiful but remote Rekawa Lagoon, an area on the South Coast.

The place is real easy to get to from Colombo. You drive four hours to Galle, take a right at the 19th century, motor two more hoursalong the coast, look for the really grinding poverty, and Bob's your uncle.

We should also mention the humidity, which is as thick as an abbo's armpit, as the Australians down here would say. Phillipe's pompadour ran up the white flag the moment he stepped off the plane, and he looked like the product of a clandestine tryst between Shirley Temple and a lowland gorilla.

As if the swelter weren't enough to produce the cold compresses for the forehead, the driving down here nearly made us faint. When we squawked about the fact that the white line in the middle of the road was not meant to be a centering device for our cab, the local taxi wallah explained that the current driving derby was awarding 10 points for every dog hit, 50 for a cow, and 100 for an elephant -- all of which whizzed by at approximately 100 miles per hour.

P&J delighted the natives with our matching impersonations of Edvard Munch's The Scream as we flew past them at warp speed. Lucky we made that contribution to the Buddhist temple before hitting the road.

The food in Sri Lanka is marvelous, provided you like curry with curry on the side and sweets after dinner that send you into insulin shock. You also get P&J's favorite, onion chutney, at breakfast, which does wonders for your breath all day. If we started slipping the stuff into American schoolkids' Count Chocula boxes every morning, maybe we could do away with the use of Ritalin in the schools.

TV is naturally a treat in Sri Lanka as well. Have you seen Sri Lankan versions of Grease and Melrose Place? While we were trying to lure one of the busboys into showing us what he had under his sarong in the hotel bar one evening, a show came on that featured a dusky Gavin McLeod lookalike in a turban in an Indian Ocean version of The Love Boat.

Too bad Sammy Davis Jr.'s not still alive, because his Nehru jackets would still be in fashion on the shows produced in India, and he could be a big, big star, introducing Ravi Shankar to kick off his variety show with a host of talentless and overly hirsute actors (and actresses -- mee-oww, excuse me!).

In keeping with the grand tradition of oppressive European high-handedness worldwide, the actors in Sri Lankan commercials were roughly three shades lighter than the characters in any of the shows aired. Sahib rules.

At least they have a good sense of humor about the former colonial days down that way. One of our newfound drinking buddies gave the Sri Lankan explanation of just why the English boasted that the sun never set on the British empire -- because God didn't trust Queen Victoria in the dark.

The topper of the trip came when we retired to the Intercontinental Hotel in Colombo for a relaxer and were greeted by two huge banners reading, "World Scholar-Athlete Games -- University of Rhode Island, June 22-July 9."

What a coincidence -- the hotel was entertaining two of the Biggest Little's most renowned scholar-athletes, not to mention gentlemen of superior taste. It's a small world after all.

Same as the old boss?

Time will tell, but already the news out of the "Democratic Republic of the Congo" (until two weeks ago, Zaire) has a familiar odor. The good news is that Mobutu's gone, the bad news is that Kabila doesn't look a whole lot better.

While your superior correspondents have been following the changeover in Africa, one report in the New York Times caught our eye among all the other stories of predictable violence and destruction: "The rebel soldiers have looted luxurious houses in neighborhoods where Mr. Mobutu's associates lived and have beaten some of the former dictator's friends," it read. "While soldiers have been seen stealing in some places, in others Mr. Kabila's troops have executed civilians on charges of looting, leading to accusations of a double standard.

"In another unpopular move, soldiers have enforced a ban on miniskirts and tight pants. Some Kinshasa women have been attacked and humiliated for wearing clothes deemed immodest." Good thing these troops haven't visited the Warwick malls recently.

This all-too-typical scenario reminds P&J of how remarkable South Africa, under the leadership of Nelson Mandela, has been in dealing with the changeover from a repressive government. Positive change can occur, even in tight pants.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to Clare Gregorian and Nuala Pell, who were honored at Monday's Brown University commencement. Clare was awarded an honorary doctor of humane letters, while the retired US senator's wife received a President's medal. These are two wonderful and deserving people who have added immeasurably to the quality of life in Vo Dilun.

We were also glad to hear in outgoing President Gregorian's interview with Channel 10's Ginger Casey that Vartan and Clare intend to keep a local residence in order to spend a few months of each year in the Biggest Little.

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