News we did not choose

Regular readers of "Cool, Cool World" are well aware that Phillipe & Jorge tend to concentrate on stories of the bizarre and unnatural, such as the quirky things that make Vo Dilun Vo Dilun. So when we choose to ignore these little details, people tend to get confused.

At the risk of adding to that confusion (or "confusement," as Professor Longhair used to say), we'd like to explain why we've ignored some recent stories that appeared, at least on the surface, to be official "Cool, Cool World" material.

Ellen's Closet: As spokesmodels for superior behavior, P&J probably were expected to comment on this lesbigay cultural landmark. Well, excuuuuse us, but the mainstream media has already done this one into the ground.

Besides, who out there with any sense of "gay-dar" thought that Ellen DeGeneres was anything but of the superior persuasion? Indeed, we expect our readers to be reasonably aware, certainly not the type to be shocked about rumors of, say, the fabulous Jodie Foster's orientation. Some things are kinda obvious.

We only wish that a lot more celebrities would come out for their own peace of mind, not to mention everyone else's. We certainly understand why Rock Hudson stayed in the closet 'til the bitter end. Just consider the times he lived in. But doesn't he seem like a far better actor now that you know how disinterested he was in all those Mr. Hetero-Man roles?

Bernie's Couch: The idea that the Rhode Island Senate leadership would engage in petty gamesmanship is not exactly news around Casa Diablo. Of course, it plays well on talk radio, so we were not particularly surprised to hear callers to Ahhh-lene on WHJJ using the famous ratty couch incident as a jumping-off point to screech about the solons of Halitosis Hall.

The fact that a sizable portion of our readership probably has similar furnishings also makes this a bit of a ho-hum affair for the lords of Casa D. Hey, guess what our furniture looks like.

Anyway, we were glad to see our friend M. Charles put together an entire column in Tuesday's BeloJo on various secondhand furniture deals available around the state.

Buddy's Gondola: Once again, the price tag for this one gave us pause. We prefer the more consumer-friendly excursions offered by Captain Joe Dempsey, whose decidedly less glamorous (but more classically "Vo Dilun") craft is docked over by the Hot Club.

While we welcome the addition of the gondola rides, we think the Captain Joe experience more aptly reflects the true tradition of Our Little Towne. It is a more authentic way to view the new Providence waterfront. Sort of like the difference between hanging out at Nick-a-Nee's or going to a fern bar.

Big Blue's Victory: Oh, please, does this have any meaning at all?

His master's voice

Well, isn't it wonderful that the Missing Linc, Governor Bigfoot, has taken to the radio airwaves now with a regular weekly show, "Tax Talk with Lincoln Almond," on WPNW, the little business news station (550 on your AMdial). Last week the show debuted in underwhelming fashion, garnering a mere four callers in an hour, none reportedly wishing to talk about Governor Almond's preferred topic for the day, the Almond state tax cut proposals. We say reportedly, because Phillipe &Jorge must rely on BeloJo reporter Russ Garland's story on the show, since we have things to do during the day and the threat of listening to Linc unchained (and unimpeded by callers or sharp questioning from a host willing to take an adversarial role) could bring on the need for an immediate nap.

Obviously, the Bigfoot political brain trust (i.e., Ed Morabito) sees the radio in much the same way that some earlier political figures viewed it. We're thinking here of Joe Goebbels, Churchill and FDR, lessons not lost on recent day figures like presidents Reagan and Clinton. Basically, it can be a great propaganda tool and that is how it will be used here. Add to that the fact that 'PNW is situated in Blackstone Valley/northern Rhode Island, Bigfoot's home turf, and you start to get the picture.

For more than a year the Linc has been missing from the state's two prominent AMtalk stations, WHJJ and WPRO, where he would face callers and hosts on a regular basis. At 'HJJ, the Governor's office pulled the plug, claiming that he didn't have the time to come in once a month to answer listeners' questions. On 'PRO, he's been replaced on Mary Ann Sorrentino's show by an "Ask the Urologist" segment that sources at the station say has generated more calls and interest than the Almond appearances.We suspect that the Almond charisma will eventually lead 'PNW programmers to scurry around looking for an "Ask the Psychiatrist" segment, a show they might want to call themselves.

Hired guns

Last week, a Newport police officer was re-assigned to administrative duty after he allegedly handed over his gun to a man to shoot a raccoon. The officer, 24-year veteran Milton Young, had been responding to a report of a rabid raccoon in someone's backyard.

No, dear readers who may have missed this story in last week's Other Paper, the incident didn't occur in former governor and current ace private detective Bruce "Captain Blowhard" Sundlun's backyard. Newport resident Robert N. Quarry Jr., who owns a gun shop in Middletown and whose wife called police after their son spotted the raccoon acting strangely, reportedly did the honors, firing three times.

BeloJo staff reporter Jerry O'Brien gleaned this quote from Mrs. Quarry about her husband: "He's a great shot. He was a marksman in the Army. Everybody in the neighborhood is staunchly behind Milton and my husband."

Sounds like a case for the General Assembly. If the folks in this neighborhood are really behind this sort of operation, howzabout legislation to open up police duties to the best shooters, best hunters, best trackers? Hell, why not just farm out all police work to temp agencies? Let's privatize.

Real class acts

Always on the lookout for poetic justice in its various guises, we were certainly glad to see that Sylvester Stallone had his wedding blessed at a special service held at Blenheim Palace, the birthplace of Sir Winston Churchill. The Cathedral Choir of Christ Church provided the music ("Yo come, yo come, Emmanuel") for the nuptial blessing, which was performed for the over-buffed actor and his model-wife, Jennifer Flavin, by the Reverend Roger Humphreys. Who woulda thunk that Rocky/Rambo was such a closet Anglophile?

Your superior correspondents can only hope that this becomes a Hollyweird trend and ushers in a whole new era of faux "high-class" marital ceremonies. If Don Johnson and his teenage girlfriend decide to tie the knot, maybe they could arrange to rent out the palace at Versailles and to get the Archbishop of Canterbury to officiate.

This, in turn, might inspire Bruce Willis and Demi Moore to renew their vows at the palace in Monaco, with hundreds of runway models, garbed only in body paint, tossing rose petals at their feet to the strains of the Berlin Symphony. Or maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver should do their own vow renewal ceremony on Mt. Olympus. Of course, how one would book God for this is anyone's guess.

The most positive result of all this imagined activity would be the chance that Donald Trump, effectively edged out by the escalating demands to have the most regal event, would resist the urge to ever marry again.

Loose talk

Your superior correspondents read with interest a story by Amy Spindler in last Tuesday's New York Times on the exploits of Los Angeles-based fashion guru Lisa Eisner. In describing Eisner as the ultimate in cool, Spindler gave this as a prime example of her subject's hipness and acumen: "For instance, the Rat Pack may be in vogue again, but four years ago, Ms. Eisner bought Sammy Davis Jr.'s entire wardrobe. And wears it."

Well, while we congratulate Eisner on her ability to wear any of Sammy's clothing (he was, after all, a very tiny man), we believe that, in the interest of American sartorial history, the truth must be told. The original auction of the estate of Sammy Davis Jr. took place in 1991, and a Vo Dilun consortium of Jorge, antiquities dealer Jeff Shore, and actor Charles Rocket (formerly of the Biggest Little, now of Hollyweird) purchased quite a slew of Sammy's garments, including all 28 of his Nehru jackets and suits.

Then, in October 1991, this trio held an auction right here in Our Little Towne, giving Vo Dilunduhs an opportunity to purchase their own little piece of Sammy and donating all proceeds to the Fund for Community Progress. To this day, a pair of magnificent Sammy Nehrus hang in Casa D.

There was one item sold at the auction, however, whose whereabouts we would like to trace. Sammy used to own the giant "Lawgiver" white simian statue from the film Planet of the Apes. Don't ask us how he came to possess this, but the statue was right there in the auction catalogue.

P&J believe this monument belongs right here at the Vo Dilun State House (possibly outside the House majority leader's office), and we are eternally sorry we were outbid for this 20th-century masterpiece.

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