(Tail)bone of contention

"They've gone too far, with respect to buttocks," says Dick Shappy, proprietor of the Satin Doll nightclub in downtown Providence.

Covering the continuing battle between the city of Providence and its numerous "exotic dance" emporiums, BeloJo reporter Jonathan Saltzman spoke to "Dirty Dick" Shappy (as Channel 10's Jim Taricani so fondly calls him) and Michael DeLuca, the randy, "I still like to see a naked woman," 76-year-old owner of the Sportsman's Inn.

Saltzman's resulting news story last week featured a number of fabulous quotes with respect to the buttocks, the (tail)bone of contention in this latest round.

The problem is that while both the Satin Doll and Sportsman's (and what an interesting sport this is) have "general" entertainment licenses, they do not have the "adult" entertainment kind required for the public baring of breasts and buttocks.

Of course, P&J have always wondered what's so adult about a juvenile preoccupation with what is popularly known as "T&A," but that's beside the point. The two clubs were recently found guilty of allowing their dancers to expose too much derriere. To this, Dirty Dick thoughtfully replied, "We want to know where the buttocks starts, and where the buttocks ends." Hey, isn't that a book by Shel Silverstein?

Providence Board of Licenses head ramrod Richard Aitchison said that was a good question. "I just don't know the answer. I'm not an attorney, and I'm not the one who drew up the ordinance."

Well, it's comforting to know that questions of the buttocks will be left up to attorneys who, many believe, are uniquely qualified in this area.

If DeLuca and Shappy are looking for a favorable (read: pro-buttocks) ruling on this matter, your superior correspondents recommend they contact Abrams & Verri on the strength of the Providence law firm's most recent television ad trolling for accident and personal injury cases.

In the spot, Mssrs. Abrams and Verri appear to be recently awakened from the dead. They explain to viewers that insurance companies start speaking in strange tongues as soon as a case is brought, but that they, A&V, are fluent in these tongues.

Based on this, P&J assume A&V are philosophically attuned to the notion that the buttocks never ends, so they'd be perfect legal representatives for DeLuca and Shappy. We give this advice free of charge and seek no referral fees.

Utmost compliment

Does everyone feel better now that Providence has been named one of America's "most enlightened" cities by the Utne Reader? While P&J agree that there are some wonderful things happening in "our little towne," we suspect that a publication based in Minneapolis is far more familiar with the positive-spin PR releases emanating from the Biggest Little than the day-to-day news.

"Enlightened" is probably not the first word that comes to mind for those of us who live here, but strangely enough, your superior correspondents think this is somewhat appropriate.

Undoubtedly, all the other cities named in the article have their downsides as well. And as the ever-enlightened Bud-I says, Providence is on a roll, so we might as well embrace all the accolades we can while they're rolling in.

While "enlightened" seems a bit of a stretch knowing what we know, Providence in 1997 is probably as worthy as any of the other honorees. To chuckle and accept might be the best way to go, striking a proper balance between skepticism and pride. The truth is that when you look at it from the "compared to what?" perspective, we indeed look pretty good.

Vo Dilundahs are notoriously bad at comparisons, a fact that continues to manifest itself in our continually poor self-image. We're not that bad, folks, so let's just view this latest huzzah with a knowing wink.

Walking small

P&J are simply tired of all those people who gripe about every little thing in the world. Since we are so in tune with the New Age workplace philosophies that have made the cartoon strip Dilbert so popular, we would like to instead publicly award those hard-working citizens who try their best.

And now that famed baseball manager Sparky Anderson has retired, we would like to name our award the "Phillipe and Jorge Walking Eagle Award" in honor of comments Anderson once made about his Los Angeles Dodger counterpart, Tommy Lasorda.

This week's Walking Eagle Award goes to our old friend, House Majority Leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo, for his scintillating defense of the House's dubious decision to seal the back records of state employees' educational bonuses, those salary and pension fatteners that have turned into one of the more remarkable scams in Rhode Island's sordid history.

Apparently, the only classes not offered by the law that created this swindle are ones on how to walk on your hind legs, as most legislative leaders figure this is impossible to do. They have never been able to toddle around on just two at a time.

In his eloquent explanation of why he was opposed to opening the records retroactively, George of the Jungle made various Nixon-like paranoid remarks. "This is the kind of bill that is perverted for partisan gain. This is the type of bill that allows a certain segment of the population to be critical of the legislature, which is their hobby, and in some cases they are paid to be critical of the legislature," said George.

We guess the "partisans" and that "certain segment" he spoke of are members of the public who pay for these bogus bonuses. Also, we don't see many job descriptions that read, "Duties: Be critical of the legislature," floating around, Georgie Boy, or we'd find them.

Maybe Caruolo started in on his Matty Smith milkshakes a bit early that Friday. Regardless, George of the Jungle wasn't finished. In Pucky Harwoodesque, "would-be reformer" style, he whined that the bill made "nonelected elites, or elitists" (make up your mind, Jungle Boy) "hypercritical." Then he scurried on his pseudo-Dickensian soap box declaring, "Now, for my money, there is a whole lot more important in this world that is far, far more important than this."

No doubt George was referring to passing bills that financially aid your law partner, browbeating newspaper reporters, and threatening to derail the governor's budget proposal if Lincoln Almond tried to take away George's prerogative of handing out choice parking spots to his fellow House members.

Yes, Caruolo is certainly above such trivial issues as public access to state records. So after his incredible display of hubris and hypocrisy, we are pleased to present the inaugural Phillipe and Jorge Walking Eagle Award to House Majority Leader "George of the Jungle" Caruolo, a man of the people.

Why did Anderson call Lasorda "Walking Eagle" in the first place, you ask. Because he's so full of shit he can't fly.

Bantering about

Did we hear what we thought we heard on the "chat with a bigshot" portion of Channel 10's Sunday morning news? Reporter Dyana Koelsch was grilling US Attorney Sheldon Whitebread (whoops, we mean Whitehouse) about whether he was considering a race for governor (which would then make him "Sheldon Statehouse") when she noted that his name had been "bantered" about.

Of course, we're sure Dyana meant "bandied" about, as did Sheldon, who repeated her unusual locution with a twinkle in his eye. Naturally, Whitehouse declined to give a definite answer,

and, unfortunately, moments like these tend to be the high points of the Sunday morning talk shows that tragically addict us.

He lost his head on the air

P&J were quickly drawn to this headline in the April 25 edition of the Urinal.


And we're sure that Tom DiLuglio desperately needs it back.

Corrente cutting out

Your superior correspondents hear from good sources in Our Little Towne that City Hall strong-arm specialist Frank Corrente may soon be leaving his post. Doubtless he was stung by P&J's revelations of his failed backroom deals with the Providence School Committee over his hand-picked butt boy for chairman, Bob Bucci.

Although we're dying to see what Corrente's pension deal will look like when he departs, P&J are more interested in whom Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci will pick to replace this key, behind-the-scenes arm-twister. We suspect the mayor will have a hard time finding a person with all of Corrente's charming attributes.

In an obviously unrelated question, Machiavelli is dead, and John Gotti is still in prison, right?

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