Lonesome Pine

Why doesn't Attorney General Jeff "My Rug's Better than Buddy's" Pine just run out the back door of his office on Pine Street, scamper up the entrance ramp on Route 195, and throw himself under a semi traveling 60 miles an hour? It couldn't possibly be worse than his usual day-to-day troubles.

Anyone wondering why Vo Dilunders are so cynical about our court system (oops, we know the DiPretes sure aren't) should check out last Sunday's front-page story in the other paper, which talks about how two-time felon David Collins Jr. had his record illegally expunged in order to get a job as a bail bondsman. (Guess the market for petty criminals was glutted at the time.)

Collins did so with the help of a high-ranking state police officer, Anthony Pesare; a Superior Court judge, Melanie Famiglietti, whom P&J once considered intelligent and honest; and Pine's top prosecutor, Michael Burns. Evidently, Bishop Gelineau was out of town that day, or he'd have chimed in on Collins's behalf as well.

No wonder people are disgusted with a state judicial system in which exceptions have become the law, and those afforded the most public trust seem to have no idea what that responsibility entails.

Needless to say, don't hold your breath waiting for Famiglietti to be disciplined for blatantly violating the law, or for Pesare or Burns to be reprimanded for what appears to be complicity.

Not that Pine is above making his own trouble, even beyond the DiPrete fiasco, which will doubtless cost him his job unless the Dems run Famiglietti, Burns, or one of the Three Stooges who blew the Gerber Baby's case. We'll bet you $100 that either Matty Smith or Tom Fay could beat Pine at the polls right now.

His silly refusal to turn over records of those Rhode Islanders with gun permits, à la the upstanding Mr. Collins, has resulted in the BeloJo's filing a lawsuit against him. Well, we hate to inform both parties that when Jim O'Neil was in office, he gave Phillipe and Jorge this very list. We found it less than earth-shattering, however, since local police chiefs also have the ability to issue gun permits not tracked by the AG. At least that's what we were told at the time.

All in all, this adversarial stance is hardly a new one with The Biggest Little, whose charming and well-known state motto is "Watta you, an asshole?"

Ethics begin at home

We recently received a note from a friend in the utility field who, wonk that he is, reads a number of industry publications. The accompanying illustration came from the April issue of the Electricity Journal.

Our correspondent says he was fascinated by this depiction of superior behavior. "Considering the subject matter of the issue, 'Meditations on Market Power,' " he writes, "all sorts of captions come to mind, including 'Narragansett Electric lobbies George (of the Jungle) Caruolo for a 2.8-per-kWH transition fee in the restructuring bill.' "

Yes, indeed. There wasn't a dry eye at Casa Diablo as we once again remembered our old friend Allen Ginsberg.

Financial woes

Phillipe & Jorge have always believed that there is not much point in having your own newspaper column if you can't use it to air your personal gripes and petty squabbles once in a while. So let us tell you about one of life's little inconveniences.

Here's the scenario: you receive a check written on a Fleet account, and when you go to cash it, you find insufficient funds in the account. So you wait a couple of days and, prudent person that you are, call Fleet to see if the account is presently solvent enough to take your check. The person at Fleet asks if you have an account with the bank. If you don't, they will not give you the simple information you've requested. Instead, you have to call a 900 number, which costs two dollars, to find out.

Hey, don't banks bleed us enough already? Your superior correspondents are still pissed about the times we've been hassled at both Fleet and Hospital DisTrust over Jorge's "R.I. State ID," the picture ID the Division of Motor Vehicles issues to those not licensed to drive an automobile.

Although the card is virtually identical to a driver's license (except for the bearer's designation as a vehicle operator), both Fleet and DisTrust have regularly refused to accept it in the same way they accept a driver's license.

Holders of state IDs probably don't own cars, and they probably are what your superior correspondents like to call "poor." When asked why they would accept the driver's license but not the Rhode Island ID, one bank blamed it on a rash of phony state IDs. But when asked why it would be easier to create a phony state ID than a phony driver's license, they couldn't answer. Of course they couldn't, because the real reason has to do with discrimination against the poor, which the banks won't admit. Maybe the General Assembly should look into some of these little policies in the same way legislative bodies have looked into access fees charged for ATM use.

Glossing over

Now why would the BeloJo want to buy Rhode Island Monthly, the glossy mag that tells us all about people we already know too much about, and also about all the places we can't afford to go? Expanding their edge on print ad revenues is one answer, of course. Then there is the speculation that the company is fattening up here for the eventual sale of the paper to a larger chain (Gannett, Knight-Ridder, New York Times, to name a few.)

Knowing how big media money works, P&J think this is a strong possibility, no matter what the companies say for public consumption. Remember, Belo execs said they weren't buying the BlowJo for its television holdings (right, and the check is in the mail and we love your tie and those aren't cucumbers we've taped inside the danger zone of our way-too-tight jeans), so pay no attention to what they say about those huge piles of money shifting around. Just watch what they do.

Getting to second base

Your superior correspondents love the PawSox, and while we appreciate the way the team delivers a traditional family baseball experience, we have a few suggestions if things get tight and the team takes a new direction. First, they should look at the Northern League's St. Paul (Minnesota) Saints for inspiration.

In their new book Ballpark Vacations: Great Family Trips to Minor League and Classic Major League Baseball Parks Across America, Bruce Adams and Margaret Engel note that the Saints offer such non-traditional fare as massages in the stands. (Attention, out-of-work exotic dancers from Providence! This may not be as lucrative as lap dancing, but at least it looks like honest pay for honest work.)

The Saints also offer a barbershop right behind home plate and a pig mascot that delivers new balls to the umpire throughout the game. We might add that the team's president is Mike Veeck. He is the son of the legendary Bill Veeck, who was known to carry midgets on the roster in order to draw that all-important walk in critical situations. Hey, it sure sounds like a lot more fun than watching Jose Canseco act like an asshole.

Boys' talk

How sweet of Bob "Dead Man Walking" Dole to bail out the unspeakable "Newt Boy" Gingrich by loaning him $300,000 to pay his ethics fine. This is particularly touching considering the fact that the Newtzie once called Mr. Ghoul "the tax collector for the welfare state." Now, we guess, he's just the "prime lender for the ethically bankrupt." Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole. What a pair. Lone wolf, loan shark . . . Nice to see Tiger Woods blow off the Shea Stadium celebration of the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's breaking of the race barrier in modern baseball. Instead, Woods attended the opening of "Official All Stars Cafes" in Myrtle Beach and Atlantic City, of which he is part owner, before heading off to Mexico with his buddies. We guess Donald Trump and Cancun mean a lot more to Tiger than Robinson's courage and talent . . . P&J were delighted to learn that 60 percent of Americans think volunteering is a good idea. Not to worry that only 46 percent actually do so. We suspect committed individuals such as these (Hi, Tiger!) simply have their maids and household help do it for them.

Cut to the (right) Chace

Correction: In a P&J item last week about the Fund for Community Progress, we stated that the Fund received a grant from the New York Community Trust thanks to a suggestion from Arnold "Buff" Chace. We meant to say that Malcolm G. "Kim" Chace III made this valuable suggestion. Too many Chaces, too little time.

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