Mercury rising

When it comes to state-sponsored stupidity on parade, how about that highly-regarded (honk!) Economic Development Corporation, trying to cover up a spill of mercury at the EDC-owned Quonset Point power plant? Yep, this is the same spot that got Steamy Tom Schumpert all riled up when he got called out at a QP/Davisville advisory board meeting for going behind the group's back to have the steam plant closed. Add the Missing Linc's previous refusal to release the damning container port "no alternative" white paper, and their combined ineptitude in attempting to force-feed Vo Dilunduhs a mega-port at QP, and you've got an agency reeling out of control.

Maybe if Governor Bigfoot wasn't playing Captain Queeg about the container port, rolling ball bearings in his hand, staring out his office window, and mumbling the words, "mega-port, legacy, mega-port, legacy," he might try to halt this embarrassing circus.

Not only did EDC's failure to report the spill violate state and federal laws, it also endangered the health of employees at the power plant. Temperatures are rising now, especially since the EDC is recommending that these workers should be checked for mercury exposure -- something that could have been handled sooner had the EDC's port authority supervisors immediately notified people of the spill. Does anyone smell a huge lawsuit coming here, folks?

It's one thing for the laughable bozos at the EDC to look like clowns regarding the mega-port, but quite another to put people's lives in danger because they're totally paranoid about going public with yet another major gaffe at Quonset Point, fast becoming the best vaudeville site seen hereabouts in decades.

Where is our ever-so-vigilant General Assembly -- some of whose members have no problem regularly hammering the Department of Environmental Management and demanding more oversight of DEM's actions -- while the Missing Linc and EDC are careering around like drunks on a trampoline, jeopardizing not just Narragansett Bay and the environment, but their own employees' health?

Exodus on Fountain St.

While many of our superior readers may expect that a Cool, Cool reference to "Exodus" must necessarily contain a tearful paean to the late, great Sal Mineo, this is not the case. We're referring to the continuing flood of departures from the Other Paper. The latest veteran journalist to leave the fold is Elliot Krieger, a longtime former reporter and editor of the late, lamented Rhode Islander Magazine, who's heading to the state Department of Education as DOE's public communications officer.

P&J called Elliot to confirm the rumor he was leaving. This he did, mentioning that he had given notice of his departure exactly 22 years from the date that he started at the paper. As with many other BeloJo reporters who've moved on, Krieger's voice contained a note of regret and sorrow as he mentioned the 22-year anniversary. The folks who've been around the Urinal for years have witnessed what's become of the paper since the Belo Boys have taken over. And it hasn't been a pretty sight.

Sucking in the boneheads

Back in the early '70s, among the band of ne'er-do-wells with which your superior correspondents regularly traveled, the term "Psycho Killer" was regularly employed to describe any "suspicious looking" individual (a category in which, needless to say, Our Little Towne had a noticeable surfeit). This designation was quickly shortened to "P.K.," and later, the phrase actually went national when some of the old gang moved to New York, renamed themselves Talking Heads, and put out a minor hit single of the related tune they'd penned back in Providence.

We understand that next weekend another group of P.K.'s are set to sweep into La Prov, their destination: the Civic Center/ Doughnut Dome for a giant two-day rally. These P.K.s are the so-called Promise Keepers, but for some reason, they don't seem a whole lot different from the old-style Providence P.K.

On the surface, the Promise Keepers want you to believe that they're merely an evangelical Christian movement in which men acknowledge their failures as husbands and fathers, and rededicate themselves to living in a more "Christian" way. Or at least what Bill McCartney, former University of Colorado football coach, says is Christian.

The Promise Keepers' primary method to recruit members is to hold giant rallies at stadiums and civic centers, featuring football-like group cheers, giant video screens, bad Christian rock music, and a roster of motivational-cum-evangelical speakers. Kind of like a cross between a Rolling Stones concert, a Super Bowl half-time show, and Billy Graham on steroids.

This is supplemented by another good old All-American activity -- marketing. The P.K.'s have a merchandise catalog with such hot items as P.K. polo shirts, devotional books, coffee mugs, watches, golf gift sets (25 hardwood tees, three Titleist DT two piece balls, a woven terry golf towel, all with P.K. logo) and, our favorite, The Story of Jesus for Children video.

As with most pop culture representations of Jesus, the guy depicted on the cover of the PK video looks a lot more like actor Jeffrey Hunter than Vartan Gregorian. In other words, the kids are supposed to believe that a guy born in Bethlehem 2000 years ago, whose parents were locals, somehow looks like a Nordic master-racer. Also, his disciples in this version, in order to make it more kid-friendly, are kids themselves: "Benjamin, Caleb, Sarah, Joel, Leah, and Nathan." Of course, they're a multi-racial lot, indicating that the Bethlehem of 2000 years ago was a lot like New York City in 1901.

Well, we could go on, but, suffice to say, the Promise Keepers are just the latest right-wing political movement, succeeding the Moral Majority and the Christian Coalition, albeit in more stealthy packaging. Coach McCartney, the front man for the outfit (which is well-financed by a large complement of the usual reactionary suspects), is a well-known anti-abortion and anti-gay activist.

The Promise Keepers hope to suck in the boneheads with a positive message of male redemption, and then explain that redemption is a function of right-wing Republican politics. Still, P&J might be tempted to head down to the Civic Center to pick up one of those P.K. mugs.

Love and marriage

Longtime readers of Phillipe and Jorge will know that one of the founding fathers and A-list guests at Casa Diablo is the famed educator Mr. Etchells, who stamps out ignorance at East Greenwich High School. P&J were therefore chuffed to naffibreaks to attend his wedding this past weekend to the lovely and fragrant Katharine McDuffie, who we hope will keep him in line.

In a ceremony held outdoors overlooking the Hudson River, across from West Point, with Storm King Mountain in the distance, our old pal managed to make it through the ceremony without being overcome with a touch of the vapors, although you haven't seen a person sweat more since Shaquille O'Neal went to the free throw line in the fourth quarter during the NBA finals. Fortunately, Phillipe's trick of concealing a heavy-duty handcart under Mr. E's clothes prevented him from toppling backwards while uttering his vows.

All our best to the wonderful couple, and we're pleased to see Mr. Etchells, who grew up as a fellow jickey with Jorge in Pahtucket, and has been Phillipe's doppelganger for 30 years, so happy with his new bride.

DOTdoh!

God, Phillipe and Jorge just love reading these stories about the state Department of Transportation. Although the agency has markedly improved during the watch of "Banquet Bill" Ankner, the DOT remains a target of derision for some appallingly stupid behavior.

P&J are referring to recent incidents involving the Biggest Little's notorious bridge non-maintenance system, which has resulted in many of the Vo Dilun's major spans being deemed as risky as betting on the Patriots. The DOT recently announced it will probably have to build a new bridge over the Sakonnet River. Doh! This after they've infuriated East Bay motorists since spring with emergency repairs on the existing bridge, backing up the local and turista traffic for miles, and stop-gap metal repair plates popping up like funhouse surprises. Might someone have thought of building the new bridge a few years ago, instead of delaying the rush to the rescue, and throwing good money after bad?

But wait, there's more! Since there's no financing in place, and DOT is saddled with enormous debut due to years of questionable management, Banquet Bill's crew is talking about a $4 toll on the new bridge. This should certainly calm the irate drivers in Tiverton, Portsmouth, and points east and west. There's already been a local rebellion for having to pay a pittance for the Mount Hope Bridge. Good luck in selling a whopping four-buck tariff.

But just so people in the East Bay know that they're not being picked on, Doh! officials also announced more major repairs on the Washington Bridge along Interstate 195, a horror show that has been running for years. Despite the fact that the Gano Street ramp, which handles 6000-plus cars a day, will be closed, transportation engineers predict few traffic problems, despite the back-ups that will obviously result on the East Side and in downtown as people seek new routes. And suggesting the Henderson Bridge to East Providence, as an alternative route to the eternal snarls coming over the Seekonk River, is like asking whether you'd prefer to be shot in the head with a .357 magnum or a shotgun.

Would someone please check the water at Doh! headquarters?

RIP

Katherine Graham, 84, former publisher of the Washington Post. A reluctant feminist role model, her frank autobiography should be required reading. Was there ever a classier act in mainstream journalism? We suspect not.

Kudos & congrats . . .

. . . to Siegfried and Roy, the sequined and spandexed Teutonic Masters of Superior Behavior (Vegas division). Our fave rave animal magicians have been asked by the organizers of Manhattan's annual Steuben Day parade to be this year's grand marshals. And they couldn't have selected a more appropriate duo.

Past grand marshals have included George Steinbrenner and Donald Trump. But according to the New York Post, the September 22 stroll up Fifth Avenue honors the Prussian-born Revolutionary War hero Baron Friedrich Wilhelm Von Steuben (1730-94), who was "a lifelong bachelor, leaving his estate to two male aides." The military morons who continue to push the disgraceful "don't ask, don't tell" policy should perhaps have checked up on Von Steuben's background. We say Siegfried & Roy for co-secretaries of defense!

Send sparklers, hula hoops and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.

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