Linc: Late, lazy, loose, and lacking

This report is emblematic of the administration's whole approach to the port. It's late, lazy, loose, and lacking." This was state Senator J. Michael Lenihan's wonderful take in the Other Paper on Governor Bigfoot's moronic proposal to budget $2.5 million for an environmental impact study (EIS) of Quonset Point, where he continues his preposterous attempt to shove a container port down the throats of the people. The only alliteration left out by Lenihan was "lying." "Late, lazy, loose, and lacking" could easily be the Almond administration's legacy, as the Missing Linc's tenure has been so devoid of substantive leadership that he makes Dwight Eisenhower's famed sit-back-and-let-life-go-on style look absolutely peripatetic.

Phillipe and Jorge are going to press just before Bigfoot's June 11 public meeting at the Quonset Point O Club -- another exercise in public humiliation. But the Missing Linc never attends, so he doesn't mind. Meanwhile, his front men, like hand puppet "Steamy Tom" Schumpert of the Economic Development Corporation -- who admits he has no say whatsoever in decision-making on Quonset -- step up and get horsewhipped to within an inch of their lives. This comes after, of course, the infuriating tactic in which consultants try to bore the attendees into unconsciousness with yet another rehash of their clapped-out plans for a megaport.

The Missing Linc called the meeting quickly, and issued his proposal for $2.5 million EIS within one week of the close of budget negotiations, which is what infuriated Lenihan and others. Not that we should consider spending that money on childhood health problems or affordable housing. And Bigfoot didn't allow the public into his dog-and-pony briefing featuring the usual EDC pimps, like lawyer Rob "Monogram Man" Stolzman. One of Bigfoot's lackeys told a project opponent who had the temerity to try to attend, "It was never our intention to allow the public in." This was just another wonderful sign of respect for the public's input -- an arrogant and disdainful approach that has characterized Almond's bullyboy tactics in pushing the port.

P&J also appreciated the comments of state Senator John Sheehan of North Kingstown, who, referring to Big Linc's lame duck status, told the Urinal:

"Where is the governor going to be when the EIS is completed? He is going to be out in Wellfleet, retired and enjoying himself, while we here in Rhode Island are stuck with a lower quality of life because our number one asset, Narragansett Bay, has been sold down the river."

Say no more.

Innocent abroad

Speaking of getting publicly de-pantsed, your superior correspondents can't wait for the reaction from our continental peers when Dubya the Dumb arrives in Europe, provided he can find it. Not only has this not-well-traveled little dope insulted many of the European governments by naming ambassadors based on the size of their campaign contributions, rather than legitimate credentials, but his reputation as America's number one executioner (as governor of Texas), his refusal to acknowledge global warming protocol, and his highhandedness on defense matters, have most European governments wondering if he isn't trading Jell-O shots with his girls.

In short, Georgie Boy is persona non grata in most European countries at the moment, and P&J can assure you that his frat boy humor won't draw many laughs in England, France, and Germany. There is even a French TV show that pokes fun at his complete lack of knowledge of anything other than T-ball. While we don't really need to cotton up to any European nation for our most immediate needs, the representation of our land by such a dumb little hick is something we could do without. Where's Jerry Lewis when we need him?

Ghoul pool

A telling comment in the New York Times of June 8 about Senator Trent Lott, which indicates that "Dirty Laundry," Don Henley's song about the media, which includes the lyric, "Is the head dead yet?/The boys in the newsroom got a running bet," isn't so far off the mark:

"In the opening moments of the ceremony that would formally end his role as the majority leader of the Senate, Trent Lott had reason to feel alone.

All of the seats behind him on the Republican side of the aisle were empty Wednesday morning, except that of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. And Mr. Helms's arrival in the chamber -- haltingly, and only with the assistance of a metal crutch -- was one more reminder that age and ill health could push Republicans further into the minority."

Well, if you can't read into this that the boys in the newsroom are wagering that Jesse and, even more so, Strom Thurmond, have dates attached to their names for turning up their toes, you aren't paying attention. What is startling is that it is put so brazenly out in the open. Holy Joe Lieberman would no doubt moan and groan about wishing anyone ill. But you know there are a legion of Democratic stalwarts who have a sawbuck riding on Jesse's liver coming out with its hands up any day now, or Strom's heart waving the white flag.

Still, give us a $10 trifecta of Jesse, Strom, and John Warner in the dog days of August.

Teamsters vs. lice-ridden Goofy suits

Although the behemoth Disney Corporation styles itself as an ultra-clean and ultra-family oriented organization, certain employees of Disney World in Orlando, Florida, don't necessarily agree with the image. Seems that the folks who are hired to romp about the park dressed as Mickey, Minnie, Donald Duck, Goofy, and other popular Disney figures were until recently experiencing a degree of unpleasantness not generally associated with beloved animated characters.

According to Disney World rules, the workers were required to wear Disney-issued undergarments with their Disney character outfits. The tights, athletic supporters, bras, and other foundation garments were supposedly tailored to not bunch up under the costumes (and God knows how uncomfortable having a plush Pluto tail up your butt can be).

Unfortunately, the seven or more dwarves who run the dry cleaning operation at Disney World apparently busted into the liquor cabinet again (just like in the good old pre-Snow White days) and left Dopey in charge. Some workers who dropped off their underwear with the dwarves, and picked up a different set the next day, found themselves suffering from lice and scabies -- even worse than having a plush Pluto tail up your butt.

The Disney character employees, represented by the Teamsters, complained in court about the Disney World undergarment rules, eventually securing a tentative contract that allows them to wear their own underwear. Your superior correspondents think this whole story would make a marvelous animated short. A giant cartoon Jimmy Hoffa could emerge from his Meadowlands grave, bust into the cryogenic center where Uncle Walt's on ice, rip open the refrigerator door, slap him around and shove the characters' lice-ridden underwear down his throat. Not family entertainment perhaps, but we'd like it.

Calling all Vo Dilun history buffs

P&J know the original Independent Man was designed as a woman, but the cruel fact is that there aren't any statues of women in our State House, aka Halitosis Hall. The folks in Secretary of State Ed Inman's office are trying to address this issue of gender imbalance. In May, Inman launched the Commission to Memorialize the Contributions of all Rhode Island Women. The group is charged with creating an original sculpture of a woman, now deceased, who has made a significant contribution to Vo Dilun, and the commission wants to have it placed in the State House by next March to coincide with Women's History Month.

We tell you this because the commission is looking for community input to select an appropriate subject. (Anne Hutchinson has a big jump on Eleanor Slater, thanks to the qualifying criteria, as Ms. Slater is alive and kicking, God bless her.) Ana Cabrera, Inman's communications director, tells P&J, "We realize that this is long overdue . . . However, it's a start of what we hope is an ongoing project." The commission would like to hear from you by June 22. Nominations can be submitted by e-mail to acabrera@sec. state.ri.us, or via fax at 222-1404.

Kudos & congrats . . .

. . . to the folks at the entertainment web site, zap2it.com. In a brief report last week on Anthony Quinn's funeral services, they stated, ". . . (the family) will all attend the public services the next day, said Mayor of Rhode Island, Vincent `Buddy' Cianicci, whose been a good friend of the actor for the past 40 years." Maybe it's this "Cianicci" character (you know, the "Mayor of Rhode Island") that the US attorney's office ought to be looking into. After all, he hung out with Quinn for "40 years," meaning he's probably some kind of Hollywood decadent.

. . . to the genius-types at Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not content to leave the fawning film blurb industry in the capably sycophantic paws of the Joel Siegals and other movie-junket junkies of the world, somebody in the advertising department at Sony decided to invent a "David Manning" of the Ridgefield Press (a real paper in Connecticut), whose sole function in life is to create glowing blurbs for bad Sony films like The Animal and A Knight's Tale. Caught by a reporter from Newsweek, the Sony people have suspended the two ad execs responsible for the hoax without pay for 30 days. A better idea, though, would be to find out why all these other bozos that aren't on a studio payroll still write consistently positive reviews of terrible movies.

Send baked Alaska, raw truths and Pulitzer-worthy tips to p&j[a]phx.com.

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