The slate

With Governor Linc the Lazy facing an inevitable exit from office due to term limits, this is the time to start throwing berets and sombreros into the ring. Accordingly, P&J will now make our own bold predictions about whom, come 2002, will be winning which office in the Biggest Little.

If the world were a perfect place -- or at least somewhat like Casa Diablo -- these are the folks we'd like to see. The governorship will, of course, go to Sherbet Whitebread, dazzling dresser and our old friend. We could easily imagine Jimmy Bennett, our own token Republican, filling in as lieutenant guv. A legitimate secretary of state other than Ed Inman could be found by putting in a progressive, like Elizabeth Roberts, who might actually get us computer-literate at Halitosis Hall. We see no reason to get rid of the Portuguese Wayne Knight, Paul "Newman" Tavares as general treasurer. And Bill Guglietta is a lock for AG once Sherbet ascends to the throne.

Remember, you read it hear first.

Dinner party

So there Phillipe and Jorge were, hosting a dinner party at Casa Diablo for Dubya's twins, Barbara and Jenna, and the Nepalese royal family, with the mummified remains of Pope John XXIII propped up El Cid-like in the corner, when who should pop in but Poppy and Bar Bush, both sporting obvious skinfuls of the amber fluid. "Now THIS is drinking," Bar shouts to her grandchildren, before turning to the late pontiff and beginning a harangue about how if Laura would just lighten up a little she and Dubya wouldn't have to race down to the Austin police station once a week to spring Bar's namesake, who grandma kept referring to as "that little tubby one." Needless to say the recently exhumed Pope was mum on the subject, and it was only when Poppy attracted Bar's attention by trying on the late Nepalese king's crown that she stopped trying to bend John XXIII's ear, rigor mortis notwithstanding.

Meanwhile, Dubya and Laura decided to give the affair a miss, Junior still being steamed (at least one of) his daughters for getting caught not once, but twice, in a couple of weeks, trying to acquire illegal snorts in a bar. Not that we would put it past him to have pulled the same stunt when he was tooling around Midland spending Poppy's cash while the old man was back in DC. We just can't wait until Dubya the Dumb starts publicly moralizing over the state of our youth, now knowing that when Jenna isn't having her field hickey teammates drink shots of tequila off her chest, she's trying to pass herself off as over 21. What was that about her still being a virgin, George?

Whole lot of Lott

We must begin to wage the war today for the election in 2002. We have a moral obligation to restore the integrity of our democracy, to restore by the democratic process what was changed in the shadows of the back rooms in Washington."

Is this yet another broadside from a partisan Democrat disgusted by the rigged Florida election and the questionable Supreme Court decision that ushered in Bush II? Nope, it's Senator Trent (silliest hairdo this side of Doug White) Lott on his way out as majority leader, grousing about the defection of Jim Jeffords.

It looks like the "Mississippi Queen" is given a bit to overreaction when he doesn't get his way. P&J refer to the hiss-fit memo that the former Ole Miss cheerleader sent to his GOP colleagues after he was handed his hat and asked, "What's your hurry?" after Jeffords's move gave control of the Senate to the Democrats.

No doubt Mississippi Queen's pique was fanned by the fact that many of his fellow GOP solons blame Lott's tin ear and vindictiveness for Jefford's devastating departure from the party. Phillipe and Jorge believe it was actually Dubya's attack dogs, "Mr." Karen Hughes, Big Time Cheney, and Karl Rove, the pear-shaped professional dweeb, but we are not ones to miss the chance to kick a dog like Lott when he's down.

MQ was then chastised once again for his memo, which many of his colleagues considered the wrong way to respond, especially since many believe our own Linc Chafee, John McCain of Arizona, and Maine's Olympia Snowe are also examining how much greener (pun intended) the Democrats' grass appears to be. Lott declared Jeffords's departure a "coup of one" - clever Queenie, but that's all the Dems needed - and said the move "subverted the will of the American people who elected a Republican majority." Excuse us, Trent, but unless we're mistaken, the Senate was 50-50 prior to Jeffords doing the right thing, and Dubya and Big Time actually lost the popular vote. But as always, let's not let those pesky facts get in the way.

Vo Dilun-style pol gives it the old college try

The New York Times of Sunday, June 3 featured a brief story which underscores something that, despite what Operation Clean Government seems to believe, P&J have been saying for a long time: not all the worst figures in public life come from the Biggest Little. The colleagues of David Jaye, a Michigan state senator, voted him out of his seat a couple of weeks ago, purportedly for "a recurring pattern of personal misconduct." While "a recurring pattern of personal misconduct" can usually assure a Vo Dilun pol of easy election as mayor or, at the very least, multiple terms in the state legislature, it seems that Jaye's specific misconduct -- three drunk driving convictions and another incident in which he was accused of hitting a woman - was too much for the Michigan State Senate.

Showing true Vo Dilun-style chutzpah, Jaye challenged his expulsion with a unique argument. Claiming that he was "fired," not expelled, Jaye trotted right down to the unemployment office and demanded that he start receiving $300-a-week payments on his $77,400-a-year legislative salary. His claim was denied.

Requiem for a heavyweight

Thanks for the memories, Anthony Quinn. He brought a great deal of class to the Biggest Little upon his move here to Bristol in 1995, and while all of P&J's dinner invitations to his house appear to have been lost in the mail, it didn't keep us from admiring a very, very talented actor and man about town. As the Urinal's Andy Smith quoted Big Tony in an excellent eulogy on June 4, "When I go for a walk in Rhode Island, I know all the tree and all the birds, and they all have names." Zorba, for one, we imagine.

Partying with Patrick

According to gossip columnist Neil Travis in Tuesday's New York Post, "Fans who stumped up a total of $250,000 at the Russian Tea Room fund-raiser for Representative Patrick Kennedy . . . the other night got a nice bonus. Patrick clambered up on stage with hip-hop star Wyclef Jean and danced his booty off. Family members Ted Jr., Bobby Jr. and Caroline Kennedy, and Ed Schlossberg, plus chums like Chevy Chase, Phil Donahue, and Oleg Cassini thought it was a hoot." Imagine the hooting if they'd caught the "Patrick the Sailor Man" routine at this year's Providence Newspaper Guild Follies? For those who, like P&J, wonder what Patrick is doing hanging around with the likes of Chevy Chase, remember, he's also known to be close to Pucky Harwood. Sometimes there's just no accounting for taste.

Saving Eagle Square

The Citizens for an Urban Development at Eagle Square, the ad hoc group of folks in the arts, business, design, and neighborhood communities who are working to preserve the historic and diverse nature of that part of Providence, has secured a billboard for one month at the square. It argues that the qualities of such a historic, urban and usable complex of buildings cry out for renovation, rather than demolition. The billboard states: "Welcome to Historic Eagle Square. Real Jobs, Real Culture, Real Cities." It highlights the increased awareness of mills as a resource for redevelopment: "Our Mills: The Future Of Economic Revitalization . . . Now THAT'S a development!" Your superior correspondents, of course, are of the opinion that the so-called "Providence Renaissance" was never about replacing classic, historic, viable mill buildings with more ugly and tedious supermarkets and strip malls.

Requiem for a heavyweight

Noted dog-lovers (and you can take that any way you wish) Phillipe & Jorge await with bated breath the disposition of a case originally filed last month in common pleas court in Dayton, Ohio. According to the petition, Boomer, a golden retriever, is suing the Invisible Fence Co. because the electrical charge to his collar, triggered when he attempts to leave his guardians' yard, has been too strong, causing him "severe emotional distress." Boomer is seeking $25,000. Interestingly enough, Boomer's human guardians, Andrew and Alyce Pacher, the ones who purchased the "invisible fence" and permitted the electrical charge, were not sued.

Requiem for a heavyweight

Phillipe & Jorge were saddened to hear that Fatso the Cat, AS220's resident feline, recently passed away. Fatso lived a rich full life of creative inspiration and will be greatly missed.

Send baked Alaska, raw truths and Pulitzer-worthy tips to p&j[a]phx.com.

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