What a cowinkydink!

Notice how the California energy crisis has worsened and gas prices have skyrocketed in recent months? Phillipe and Jorge would like to point out it's merely a coincidence that these trends have coincided with the takeover of Dubya Bush and his Big Oil backers, including former Halliburton exec Big Time Cheney. Just because these circumstances happen to enrich the Big Oil and energy boys for whom Dubya is a wholly owned subsidiary, it doesn't mean the public is getting gouged. Nor should we think that this whole (mythical) energy shortage would be used by Big Time and Co. to support Junior's efforts to allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, or justify Cheney's plans to forego energy conservation in lieu of building more power plants.

People are just so skeptical these days, aren't they? Bring on that "new" missile shield, guys. It certainly isn't a defense industry boondoggle, now is it Secretary Rumsfeld?

Power players

Speaking of misleading the public, could that have been our old pal, House Speaker Pucky Harwood, rising up on his hind legs to denounce the deregulation of electric utilities? Very strange indeed, since it was his close personal friend and egotistical hatchet man, "George of the Jungle" Caruolo -- Pucky's former House majority leader -- who made the 1996 deregulation bill his legacy. Nice work, George, now that Vo Dilunduhs are getting porked on prices while you profit.

This is just another example of the arrogance and self-serving rank behavior that pervades the State House, most recently on Harwood's heavy-handed watch. Kathy "Faster, Pussycat, Kill, Kill" Gregg's excellent recent pieces in the Urinal on nepotism and the questionable hiring of lawyers at Halitosis Hall pour more light on the pocket-lining and trough-feeding on Smith Hill, done with seeming impunity. We particularly like such characters as Thomas Hodge, former state representative and current Pawtucket councilman, who works as a "research analyst" in the auditor general's office. He brings to the job such admirable qualifications as having run a tuxedo rental store, "Tom Tux." Tennessee Tuxedo has a stronger resume. Here's Hodge's job description, as he told it to Gregg: "I work for the legislature. I am going to refer what I do back to them." And how did Ann Marie Donahue, legislative-business office administrator, describe Hodges role? "I'll get back to you." Gregg is still waiting.

And then there is Bradford Bernardo, ostensibly Pucky's eyes and ears on the Quonset Point debacle, who pulls down $4500 a month. Strangely, none of the people contacted by P&J -- all of them embroiled in the QP controversy -- have the slightest idea what he does, or even who he is. Now there's a government asset. We can only assume Bernardo's got the pictures on Pucky.

Sleep tight, public servants everywhere.

Under 21? Don't come to Providence

A little birdie with sticky fingers recently provided your superior correspondents with a soon-to-be-published letter to the editor that was sent to the BeloJo. It promotes the boneheaded bill to create a separate licensing category for nightclubs, and to prohibit 18- to 21-year-olds from admission to alcohol-serving places "with a legal occupancy greater than 200 or less than 10,000." From P&J's perspective, punishing responsible club owners and younger club goers for the misbehavior of a few pajama-clad ruffians doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The bill passed unanimously in the Senate on Tuesday, May 1, and now moves to the House Special Legislation Committee. For more information on the bill and its' ramifications, check out the front-page editorial in this issue, or the cover story, "How to kill Providence nightlife," in the April 27 Phoenix.

The letter to the Other Paper, written by Michael Hogue, president of the Jewelry District Association, and Dan Baudouin, executive director of the Providence Foundation -- the forces behind the ad hoc "Providence Coalition of Universities and Communities" and prime movers of this and other anti-nightlife measures -- makes a number of specious and unsupportable allegations to bolster their argument. Among the claims: "Nightclubs, particularly the larger clubs, target 18-21 year olds not only on Thursday nights but other nights as well. 16-17 year olds often attempt to, and some succeed in, being admitted as 18 year olds. Being part of the `scene' is an inducement to substance abuse . . . "

Where is the research to show that scrutiny of legal ID is more relaxed at a bar "with a legal occupancy greater than 200 or less than 10,000" than at the neighborhood tavern, the local package store, or the Civic Center? There are millions of "scenes" out there where people consume illicit substances. To claim that clubs of between 200 and 10,000 capacity are the ground zero of the drug culture shows that Mr. Hogue and Mr. Baudouin know nothing about either clubs or drug culture.

An even more egregious claim by these two is that, "On a typical Thursday night where there is a concentration of nightclubs, in excess of 3000 patrons will spill into the same area of the community. If 25 percent are underage, this means there is increased potential for violence and rowdyism by 750 young adults." By "underage," we assume they mean "under 21." Is there any concrete evidence to support this contention that music fans between 18 and 21 are much more likely to engage in "violence and rowdyism" than those, say, in their 20s?

As to why their bill targets dance clubs with a capacity of more than 200, Hogue and Baudouin claim the reason is because "the density of the club goers makes enforcement difficult and adds significantly to the workload of public safety personnel." The density of these two is amazing if they've never seen crowded clubs with a capacity of under 200 where enforcement is equally difficult.

The authors of this letter show their hand when they add, "Although the Coalition believes that underage adults do not belong in any nightclub, it has compromised to limit this bill to those with a capacity of 200 or more." No, these two are compromised, because this is about a "divide and conquer" strategy. Hogue and Baudouin wouldn't stand a chance of wrecking the dozens of businesses that serve alcohol and have events where 18- to 21-year-olds are welcome -- the targets would band together and crush such an unworthy initiative. Supporters of this effort are hoping that those in the downtown entertainment business who aren't directly affected by this proposal will sit on their hands, not realizing that they're next. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Million moms march again

This Sunday, Mother's Day, May 13 from 2 to 5 p.m. at Waterplace Park, there will be speakers, live music and kids arts activities as the Rhode Island chapter of the Million Mom March takes a stand against the, well, insane gun violence that's visible to anyone with half a brain. The narrow interpretation of the Second Amendment crowd apparently believes that if everyone (except "criminals," of course) were armed to the teeth, we'd all be really safe. For those who think that this is as crazy as the MAD policies (as opposed to the comic book) of the Cold War era (Mutually Assured Destruction) -- he got the bomb, she got the bomb, all God's chillun got the bomb -- the Million Moms have some ideas. They want you to know that the Rhody legislature voted against mandatory child safety locks and banning assault weapons.

Not that interaction

On the official Web site for the Clinton Presidential Center (www.clintonpresidentialcenter.com) in the "America Remembers" section, visitors are asked, "if you have a photograph that captures an interaction you had with President Clinton, please submit it with a brief description of the experience and what you thought about meeting the President." It then notes that there are "submission guidelines," our favorite of which is not to "accept materials of a prurient quality." You would think this is exactly what Bill would want to collect, especially the negatives.

American pie

In the spirit of "Oh Holy Cow!" the selected verse of Phil "The Scooter" Rizzuto, your superior correspondents would like to thank the fabulous Polly for sending along this poem, compiled by Richard Thompson of the Washington Post, from the quotations of President George Dubya Bush. Nice to know that there's another Richard Thompson with an ear for "music."

Make the Pie Higher
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity

I know that the human being
and the fish can coexist

Families is where our nation finds hope,
where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize Society!

Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

Paging Richard Hertz

You just can't beat the chuckles you get when some air head member of the media gets set up by a wag from the general public. Like callers to radio talk shows who give their name as Al Kaholic, or "weather watchers" like "Stu Gotz from Coventry."

The most recent big time score was in the New York Post, which quoted a supposed Manhattan real estate agent, Heywood Jablome, in an article published May 1. The story on the E*Trade Center was pulled by noon, once the editors started getting reader e-mails saying, "It's surprising the Post didn't include quotes from Ben Dover, or I. P. Daley."

However one reader who saw the above suggestion about Ben and I.P. pointed out that the Dallas Morning News actually has a consumer affairs columnist named Ben Dover whose column runs weekly -- no doubt near the women's column written by Michael Hunt. P&J are great fans of this sort of thing, such as when Peter Sellers says to Keenan Wynn in one of our favorite exchanges in Dr. Strangelove, "Well, Lieutenant Batguano -- if that is indeed your name."

Send funny nicknames, true tales, and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.

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