Hoop nightmares

A story with major implications for college sports, both locally and nationally, had been virtually nailed down by Bill Malinowski, a veteran reporter at the BeloJo. Alas, there was a fatal flaw, not with the story itself, but rather the legal liability and sourcing elements essential to policy at the Other Paper. The story in question has to do with egregious grading irregularities involving a prominent member of the URI basketball team.

The campus has been abuzz with rumors about this for months, and Malinowski was able to get his hands on academic transcripts and other records that are, according to one reporter in the know, "rock solid." According to the scribes we spoke with, there were no loose ends on the accuracy front. The story was spiked, though, because Belo policy demands a source who's willing to be identified. In this instance, the person who provided the goods was unwilling to put their livelihood on the line. For this would-be whistleblower, there might also be legal consequences for pilfering school records.

The source's concern in going public is understandable, as is the newspaper's reluctance, due to liability concerns, for printing the story. What's tough to accept is that an important story about nefarious doings in college athletics won't see the light of publication.

It's an important story for a number of reasons. We've all read stories about college sports scandals. This story may have illustrated the insidious nature of it all -- how it's necessary, to compete at any level, to completely distort the principles associated with athletics and education. Schools are compelled to recruit the most talented players, regardless of whether they're prepared to succeed in college. All too often, academics are viewed as more of a nuisance than anything else.

Student-athletes know they're at school primarily to produce on the field or court. The coaches and athletic ramrods know that their jobs depend on winning, and therefore, their players must remain academically eligible. Everyone is morally compromised, and we'd rather go down to the Civic Center and root on good old PC, averting our eyes to the hypocrisy inherent in the system.

That's why it's too bad this important story won't be seen.

All PETA-ed out

Your superior correspondents believe we humans have a long way to go and a lot to learn when it comes to our treatment of animals. That said, we still wonder if the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), has become the Dr. Kevorkian of the animal rights movement. In other words, the right message, wrong messenger.

We received a recent fax concerning a PETA-sponsored appearance in Our Little Towne on Wednesday, April 25 by Kristie Phelps, a campaign coordinator for the organization. In protesting the Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey Circus, Phelps "will bring a nude protester who will be painted like a tiger and confined to a cage to spotlight animal suffering." We don't know if this act will deter many potential circus-goers, but we'll bet it would score big time at the Foxy Lady.

More interesting was PETA's stance on Timothy McVeigh's pending execution. After PETA wrote to prison officials and McVeigh to try to score him a vegetarian menu for his "last meal," McVeigh wrote back, congratulating PETA for their ingenuity in drumming up publicity. He then went on at some length to explain his own philosophy about meat eating (he's a hunter and a libertarian), finishing his missive with regret that he couldn't continue his philosophical musings with the PETA folks, his time being limited by an imminent date with Mr. G. Reaper.

McVeigh did suggest, however, that PETA continue their dialogue with his prison pal Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski. PETA responded, saying they'd definitely follow up with Ted. If they sent the naked tiger to talk to him, he might be even more receptive.

It's called "contrarian," Bill

It appears that William Coffey, president of Beaufort Maritime Group, a port consultant who has worked for Little Rhody's funniest puppet show, the Economic Development Corporation, has demonstrated once again that the EDC has little sense of public relations.

Citizens for Rhode Island's Future (CRIF) is a group promoting intelligent development of Quonset Point (you can read "no megaport" into that). As CLIF pointed out after Coffey's April 20 op-ed in the BeloJo attacked North Kingstown port consultant John Vickerman's April 6 piece on those same pages, Coffey was essentially contending that Vickerman was TOO qualified. Coffey tried to tweak Vickerman, saying, "It's quite ironic that you have become the voice of the petite `Omniport,' given your extensive track record and well earned reputation as an advocate for huge, sprawling Containerports."

Well, Bill, it is just that "irony" that makes Vickerman's counter-intuitive advocacy of a smaller port so effective. It's called being a "contrarian," and this is an ace up the sleeve of any PR person worth their salt. It gets everyone's attention and raises questions when someone who is widely expected to take a certain stance supports a very different one. One of the best recent examples was when Barry Goldwater, an arch-conservative cold warrior, came out (so to speak) on the op-ed page of the New York Times to support gays in the military, which created national headlines and heightened public debate on the issue.

Thanks for pointing out Mr. Vickerman's principled stance, Mr. Coffey. And time for a seminar in PR 101.

Nightmare in East Greenwich

One of Phillipe and Jorge's worst fears used to be the idea of being stuck next to Ed McMahon, in either a bar or trans-Atlantic flight, and having to listen for hours on end to his horrible jokes, Marine stories and canned laughter. Those were McMahon's calling cards as Johnny Carson's sidekick, along with frequently appearing on The Tonight Show with an obvious skinful.

Yet even a night spent enduring cries of "Heeeeeeeyyyy-yo!" pales in comparison with the thought of actually attending a fund-raiser for Bill and Hill Clinton at Mark Weiner's house, a horror show that could have come true last Friday, April 20, if P&J didn't have certain standards for proper behavior. Weiner is the long-time Democratic operative and trinket salesman famed for parking in handicapped spots and bringing his own "food" -- that is, diet protein drinks -- into fancy restaurants such as the Capital Grill. We were on hand to see him consume one of those in that haunt of movers and shakers when he treated P&J to lunch, in hopes of buying our dubious affection. Needless to say, this is the worst thing you can do, because it practically guarantees a public hosing from your superior correspondents.

Can you imagine the time it took to finally rid the Weiner premises of the oil that rolled off of Mark and Billary following their extortion of $130,000 from people who still find the Clintons more than absolutely conscienceless and pathetic? What Senator Hillary can actually do to help the Biggest Little defies imagination. So people were essentially paying to foster the unctuous make-pretend belief that the Clintons care a whit about them. All this while Hill and Bill mouthed platitudes with all the sincerity of a loan shark. Yikes.

Time to wake up, boys and girls.

Just don't feed 'em

War bonnets off to the town officials in South Kingstown, their Millennium Commission, the Pettaquamscutt Historical Society, and the South County Tourism Council, for their production of a brochure which lists the Narragansett Indians as a popular local tourist attraction. "Look, Johnny, there's one now! What cheer, Netop? Want a beer? Did you know Tarzan Brown? I'll `bet' -- geddit? -- you did. `How' -- geddit? -- do I get to Foxwoods from here? Do I need a `reservation' -- geddit?"

Well, fortunately, if that wasn't embarrassing enough, the brochure also referred to "pubic" buildings ("Is that a skyscraper in your pants or are you just glad to see me?"), a typo that, since it escapes spell checks, even a third-rate editor constantly watches for. The town council rightly deemed it a tad racist to describe the Narragansetts as an inanimate object, and ordered a reprint with corrections, an unnecessary $2000 outlay.

But in a display of monumental stupidity, town council member Karen Asher, boasting that she's "a frugal person" (read: imbecile), said she'd have the already-printed brochures distributed at the state information center on Interstate 95, near the Connecticut line, since those visitors won't notice the mistakes as readily as her obviously touchy South Kingstown tribe, excuse us, neighbors. And wogs begin at Calais, right Ms. Asher?

Now where's that babe in the bikini selling hot dogs? Woo-woo!

La cage aux folles de Rhode Island

Just when you think you've seen every boneheaded idea or scam that can be mustered by our long-besieged state Department of Transportation, it adds to the tally.

In a move evidently inspired by DoT honcho "Banquet Bill" Ankner's deep thinkers drinking too much May wine and spending hours listening to Windham Hill CDs, the DoT will be setting up 50 birdhouses along Route 4 in North Kingstown. The idea is that by attracting bluebirds and other wonderful chirping feathered friends, they'll soothe the savage breast of drivers caught in beach traffic, and prevent them from boiling over like their radiators.

"This will give people something pretty to look at; it will have a calming effect on traffic," Sheleen Clarke, an assistant landscape architect for DOT, told the Urinal when the plan was announced last week. You bet, Sheleen. As everyone knows, bluebirds are scientifically proven to immediately halt some yobbo from Cranston, who's fried to a bright red after spending hours at Scah-brough Beach, sucking down beers, from driving like a maniac or honking his car horn and giving the one-finger salute as he crawls up Routes 1 and 4 in sweltering heat with the gold chain boys.

Take this from people who have experienced road rage from all sorts of Vo Dilunduhs over the years: that sound of popping you'll hear on the South County highways this summer is less likely to be a blowout than a few pellets being aimed toward the bluebirds of false happiness, as an unofficial hunting season begins. This actually might make the Biggest Little's drivers happy.

Send chirps, chips, chits and Pulitzer-worthy tips to p&j[a]phx.com.

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