Dumb, dumb, dumb

Well, at least David Horowitz, that third-rate hate-monger and crass attention-grabber, is having fun. The main claim to fame of this long-time bogus intellectual (sort of like a Phil Terzian with street fighting tendencies) is that, back in the '60s he was a radical lefty (Ramparts magazine, Black Panthers, etc.) who "saw the light" and became a right-wing ideologue.

The fact is that Horowitz was always an asshole and an idiot. When he was a lefty, he was a loony lefty, and when he moved to the right, he always vied to be more reactionary than the next guy. And while, with Peter Collier, he's written a number of books about wealthy American families (Kennedys, Roosevelts, Fords, Rockefellers, etc.), those familiar with his Center for the Study of Popular Culture, and his reactionary agitprop work of the past 20 years, know that his real obsession is with race. Yes, it wouldn't be unfair to call him a bigot.

And, of course, it's not that reasonable people can't disagree on the issue of reparations for slavery. It's that Horowitz's arguments are worse than weak, they're bullshit. A typical example of his reasoning is point number three in his Brown Daily Herald ad: "Only a tiny minority of Americans ever owned slaves. This is true even for those who lived in the antebellum South where only one white in five was a slaveholder. Why should their descendants owe a debt? . . . What about the descendants of the 350,000 Union soldiers who died to free the slaves?" To which anyone with half a brain would respond, "So what?"

Then there's this beauty from point number nine: "If not for the anti-slavery attitudes and military power of white Englishmen and Americans, the slave trade would have been brought to an end. If not for the sacrifices of white soldiers and a white American president who gave his life to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, blacks in America would still be slaves." These sort of "arguments," riddled with half-truths, are beneath even the junior high school debate club level.

Unfortunately, the Brown University campus got itself sucked into a pissing contest orchestrated by the Old Urinemaster himself, and now, much to Horowitz's delight (his intention in the first place), Brown has been made to look silly.

Charlie Bakst, a former editor of the Brown Daily Herald (if memory serves, he covered the Scopes Monkey Trial for them), got it right in his column on Tuesday, when he pointed out that, while certainly not obligated, the Herald editors could have chosen not to run the ad or, better yet, they could have published Horowitz's bonehead diatribe with further contextual information or editorial comment. But they didn't do this, opening the door for people on campus who were (quite properly) outraged by the stupidity of Horowitz's arguments to foolishly deep-six the entire Friday run of the BDH. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The coalition responsible for this lost a lot of righteous indignation points with their rash, censorious behavior. We suggest that they (and virtually anyone who is on the right side of an issue) study Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as a role model for a tactician.

Conflict? What conflict?

As Ivy League students exercise their righteous indignation in untoward ways, they're getting a lot of cover from the blatantly offensive behavior of Thomas Goldberg over at the state Ethics Commission. Goldberg is the commission member being investigated for voting to repeal the gift ban for state legislators, because his brother and law partner, Robert Goldberg, a former Senate minority leader, is a major lobbyist at the State House. By the way, Robert Goldberg is also married to Justice Maureen McKenna Goldberg of the Rhode Island Supreme Court, who correctly recused herself from the high court's recent decision on the commission's request to hire its own outside counsel for the investigation.

For Tom and Bob to so vociferously claim that their rights are being abused, because Ethics Commission Executive Director Martin Healey is attempting to investigate whether Thomas's vote on repealing the gift ban was a breach of ethics, is mighty powerful chutzpah. This is why we need the Ethics Commission in the first place. All arguments about the parameters of the commission aside, Thomas and Robert appear to be exemplars of the old Vo Dilun philosophy that holds there's no such thing as a conflict of interest in the Biggest Little.

Out-Bobbitt this

In the world of do-it-yourself tool use, Ioan Soaita of Romania must deserve some sort of prize. He got his penis caught in a (presumably round and metal) wheel bearing after inserting it on a bet from friends at a party celebrating the birth of his first child. Then he tried to free it, using a circular saw. Surgeons reattached Ioan's pecker after a five-hour operation. We must remind the poor guy that a good craftsman never blames his tools.

Red alert

While it's generally acknowledged that the moron factor is off the charts in Little Rhody, even Phillipe and Jorge were startled to read that a number of numbnuts gun owners were hissing "communist" at state Representative David Cicilline during his testimony, in support of a gun control bill, before the House Judiciary Committee.

Naturally, "communists" must be the poster boys for the restriction of gun use, a fact that would come as a big surprise to the many champions of freedom who found themselves on the wrong end of the barrel before Joe Stalin and Mao Tse-tung's cheery armed forces. Instead of hiding behind their weaponry, it would be very nice for these patriots to have the balls to be identified and go on the record when they're accusing Cicilline, or anyone else, of being a "commie." Firearms are a factor in the recent rash of school shootings, not to mention the guns-and-crack-fueled wave of bloodshed in the late '80s and early '90s. Is anyone paying attention?

Lie back and enjoy it

Just when you think the GOP can't come up with more reprehensible people than Big Time Cheney, Gail Norton, and John Ashcroft -- not to mention Dubya Bush, the cross-eyed pimp for millionaires whose true colors are becoming clearer and clearer every day -- we get Spencer Abraham, the new secretary of energy, lying through his teeth to the public without batting an eye.

The flatulent, liver-lipped Abraham is trying to frighten the public into believing that, unless we start drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, we'll all be huddled around burning trash cans for heat and running our appliances from hand-cranked electric generators. His arguments are about as precise as those TV forecasters who predicted the recent Blizzard Kohoutek. This is just a plan old case of rape of the environment, with no scientific or other logical justification. As a wonderful recent political cartoon by Michael Thompson for the Copley News Service pointed out, drilling in the Alaska refuge by Dubya's Big Oil buccaneers is tantamount to the Taliban's destruction of the amazing Buddhist statues in Afghanistan, but what's a few international treasures when Poppy Junior's pals want to make enough money to buy the new trophy bride a diamond ring?

On Tuesday, March 20, the Urinal showed its wonderful analytic powers by running a headline that said, "White House predicts major energy crisis. Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham says gas and oil exploration must proceed in wilderness areas if the nation is to avoid a recession." If we're facing such a cataclysm, perhaps one of the mighty minds at Fountain Street might therefore suggest that Dubya's proposed tax cut isn't the greatest idea in the world, after all. But it seems that Joel Rawson just couldn't find space in the paper for this thought since the Incredible Shrinking Paper has begun its latest cost-cutting measures.

Next up for your reading pleasure: :CueCat magnifying glasses.

Chelsea's playground

On May 2, 1999, eight-year-old Chelsea Hillman passed away following complications after a liver transplant she received in January of that year. As painful as this loss has been for her family and friends, her parents felt that the best way to honor their daughter, who loved reading, would be to build a playground in her memory next to the site of the soon-to-be-built public library in their hometown of Exeter.

Chelsea's parents, Russ and Annette Hillman, had no idea how expensive and time-consuming this could be, however. According to Chelsea's dad, "The one thing we didn't think of when we first proposed this idea was that we would have to become full-time fund-raisers."

But year-round fund-raisers they've become. That's because the Hillmans' methods for raising money have involved various grassroots stratagems. On Sunday, April 1 from 2 to 6 p.m., they're sponsoring a "Swing into Spring Fling" at the American Legion Post No. 12 in North Kingstown (on Route 2, just south of Schartner Farms). It's a potluck meal event, and they're asking folks to bring their favorite dish or dessert. DJ Bill Gannon will provide entertainment, and there will be contests for the kids. Admission is $5 per person, or $20 per family, and tickets will be available at the door. Seems just like the type of event that readers of this column would want to know about and get behind.

The last word in transportation

Your superior correspondents received this missive from an obviously frustrated mass transit user. You may recall that the Almond administration, as has been its habit, declared on the last day of the recent "blizzard" that state employees could take a "personal day" if they so wished, but that it was otherwise a regular work day.

The frustrated transit user wrote, "One last aside regarding the decision to declare the state open for business, but with RIPTA using the Saturday schedule during the recent storm. I am a state employee who uses RIPTA to commute to my office in Providence from my home in Burrillville. Do you know what the Saturday schedule is for bus route number nine, servicing Chepachet, Burrillville, and Pascoag? It's "No service."

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