Notes on the big snoreaster

So, instead of the mighty "Storm of the Century" promised by our local meteorological fraternity, we get big piles of slush, cold gusts of wind, and wet feet. So much for Norman Rockwell scenes of the kiddies sledding down pristine white hills, and the family huddled about the hearth, sipping hot cider, roasting marshmallows, swapping tales of the famous winter of '78, and heartily singing verse after verse of "She'll be comin' 'round the mountain." No picturesque scenes of RIPTA buses stuck in snow banks like stranded elephants. Instead, the roof of the State Lottery Commission building in Cranston collapsed from the weight of heavy sleet. Fortunately, the 20 or so employees inside responded to the cracking noises emanating from the ceiling, and hightailed it out of the building just in time.

Maybe it's just the nature of the folks who drop by at Casa Diablo, but during the big blizzard scare, a number of our confreres noted that the television news stations seem to have an inbred bias. There's always one reporter stationed at a local supermarket to film the dwindling supplies in the milk and bread aisles (the reporter should be Dan Jaehnig, as this is a true Dan Jaehnig story -- lots of opportunity for the reporter to chew precious little substance to pretend there's actually a story).

What Casa D regulars want to know is, why don't the same reporters go to the one other market which also does mega-business before an imminent, albeit over-hyped storm -- the liquor store. Of the dozen or so people we spoke to about the impending "blizzard," at least 90 percent maintained that the closest package store would be their first stop on the way home. In fact, your superior correspondents swear that we saw the giant chicken outside of Sollitto's Liquor Store, on Narragansett Boulevard in Providence, smiling as we drove past (well, actually we stopped in) on Monday evening.

Of course, the fiction that all of Vo Dilun is more obsessed with bread, milk, and toilet tissue than alcoholic beverage is fueled not so much by our Calvinist heritage, but a more pertinent fact: supermarkets do quite a bit of advertising on local television news shows, but liquor stores don't do any. A story in Sunday's New York Times about a college broadcast meteorology program actually referred to the proclivity of TV news producers in the Northeast to send their reporters out to publicize their advertisers' sudden drop in milk and bread reserves. This regional cliché has become so popular and pervasive that Monday's Venice [Florida] Herald-Tribune featured a front-page photograph of a bakery in Warwick, with the shelves stripped bare.

Of concern to a number of small business people in the area (particularly, restaurant, tavern, and club owners) is the perception that, if the weather is a close call, the stations will always go with the more dramatic worst-case scenario. It serves the duel purpose of drawing higher numbers of viewers while pleasing some of the stations' bigger advertising clients. A win/win situation unless, of course, you're Bob Burke, sitting in his nearly vacant dining room at Pot Au Feu, eyeing his ceremonial champagne-neck chopping sword, and considering using it on himself. Don't do it, Bob!

Of course, your superior correspondents have our own little pet peeve about weather-related announcements. It seems that some media outlets don't know there's a difference between RIPTA's "Saturday" and "holiday" schedules. Jorge, an inveterate bus rider, heard one television reporter (who will remain nameless, because we like him so much) announce that RIPTA was on holiday schedule, although it was actually on Saturday. The difference in this case was a 30-minute wait and a seven-block walk in the slush.

We still can't get the vision of a deeply depressed Bob Burke out of our minds. Do yourself and everyone else a favor, Bob -- throw that sword in the car, head south, and don't return until you've found and dispatched Punxsutawney Phil.

Accidents will happen

Your superior correspondents would like to know why, at this particular time, we're seeing a move to arm the police on Vo Dilun's college campuses. According to the state's General Laws (Sections 16-52-2), the Board of Governors for Higher Education have the exclusive authority to make this decision. The move comes after a bill to arm campus officers was introduced in the legislature last year and died in the committee. Still, a number of legislators continue to support this measure, even after the Board of Governors unanimously voted against it, and the presidents of URI, RIC, and CCRI -- after extensive discussion and debate on campus -- publicly opposed the proposal.

A recent commentary piece written by Lloyd Matsumoto, a RIC biology professor, published in a number of local papers (for some unknown reason, the BeloJo chose not to run this), makes a number of good points. First, why are some in the General Assembly attempting to usurp the authority of the Board of Governors? As professor Matsumoto writes, "even before the full board [of governors] issued its recommendation to the General Assembly, Senator [Michael] Damiani (D-East Providence), et al, introduced a bill to arm the campus police . . . "

Matsumoto reasonably asks, why, "at a time in our national history when violent crimes are on a sharp decline, a movement has arisen to arm campus police with guns at all three state institutions of higher education?" He cites data from a study in the Campus Law Enforcement Journal (July/August, 2000) on the reported discharge of firearms by campus officers at New England colleges, showing that "11 percent were for firing at crime suspects, 22 percent were accidental discharges, and 67 percent were to dispatch vicious or seriously wounded animals." Matsumoto continues, "The 22 percent figure indicates that more than one of five discharges of a firearm is `accidental.' Clearly, one of every five accidental discharges of a firearm could kill a student. If we add to this the 11 percent frequency, we raise the chances for an accidental shooting death of a student to one in three. This is unacceptable."

As Professor Matsumoto notes, violent crime is, and has been, on the downswing for some time. And despite the disturbing trend of school shootings, the amount of overall youth violence has also seriously diminished. Representative Tony Pires (D-Pawtucket), a longtime champion of death penalty legislation, wisely and courageously pulled back his sponsorship after studies revealed a variety of problems in the administration of the death penalty. Studies also show that young black men are far more likely to be shot than police officers. So the question remains, why are we trying to make campuses more dangerous?

Previously unknown sitcom classic revealed

Gossip columnist Jeannette Walls recently reported that a sharp-eyed viewer of Nickelodeon's "Nick at Nite" noticed that a certain actor's male appendage slips out from under his blue boxers for all to see, during one of the classic sit-com episodes broadcast on the station. You can imagine our excitement at Casa Diablo. One can only imagine why this hadn't been spotted in the umpteen previous showings. Perhaps those high-definition TVs are really worth the investment.

Well, needless to say, the masters of the domain known as Casa D. were in a state of ultra-frenzy trying to determine the identity of the mystery man. Phillipe was hoping that it was a (needless to say) uncircumcised Andy Griffith while, on the other hand (so to speak), Jorge felt the great extender had to be the late Forrest Tucker from F Troop episode, who was reputed (along with Milton Berle) to have one of the largest members in TV Land (not to forget Charlie Chaplin and his "Little Tramp").

Imagine our severe disappointment when we found out that Three's Company and John Ritter were the respective show and actor in question, and yes, it's all true. To add insult to injury, the folks at Nickelodeon told Walls that the scene featuring a guest appearance by Ritter's Ruler was being "excised" (ouch! shades of Bobbit). Now, if it were only Don Knotts.

Kudos & congrats . . .

. . . to the committee for this year's St. Patrick's Day Parade in Providence, who have dedicated the affair to the memory of Mike White, who prematurely passed away in January. He was a great man, a great Irishman, and the honor is fully deserved. The parade will proceed down Smith Street this Saturday, March 10 starting at noon. Expect that some of Mike's buddies will hoist a pint or two of Guinness at Patrick's Pub at some point that afternoon.

. . . to East Side Monthly, which exhibited good taste by shamelessly plagiarizing the Phoenix's recent story on the closing of Gallery Agniel, but still managed to mistakenly surmise that the departure is due to "the reality of trying to make it as an art gallery in Providence."

. . . to Mark Burnett, executive producer of Survivor. When one of the contestants, Michael Skupin, temporarily passed out and fell into a campfire, burning his arms, hands, and face, Burnett's cameras kept rolling. Asked about the incident, Burnett told reporters that if the cameraman had put his camera down to help the injured contestant, "I would have fired him on the spot."

Seeing as how Survivor is merely bottom-feeding entertainment (albeit, vastly popular bottom-feeding entertainment), a spokesperson claimed that Burnett was merely being "flip" when he was criticized for the remark. Your superior correspondents have a little something to "slip" at Mr. Burnett, situated approximately in the middle of our burning hands.

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