Man of the year

It is always tough to hand out these year-end honors like Man or Woman of the Year. Since it is tough to choose between the delightful and dynamic Vo Dilun U.S. attorney Meg Curran, the very Superior Court Judge Rogeriee Thompson, hard-working Nondas Voll of the Fund for Community Progress, or Deb Brayton, late of Amos House and new top legislative aide to Linc Chafee, for our favorite gal of 2000. We'll just concentrate on the guys, never a difficult task for your highly excitable correspondents. But since we all know that most men are arrogant boors -- your immediate company excepted -- we will also have to apply opposite standards of judgment. That means we will -- not for nuthin' -- select someone who lacks all the wonderful attributes of Mmes. Curran, Thompson, Voll, and Brayton, but who embodies the Biggest Little's Independent Moron. And what are you lookin' at asshole?

Naturally it is a crowded field, but Phillipe and Jorge find it hard to overlook the track record of Providence Police Chief Urbano "Barney" Prignano -- leader of man and beast, as it applies to Providence's finest these days. Let's see, Barney's boys in blue have successfully alienated the minority community, shot one of their own, cheated on promotion exams, run conflicted fund-raisers to curry favor with the powers-that-be to get ahead, and turned into renegade cowboys who threaten parking lot attendants with their service revolvers in order to save a $6 parking fee. Class act, guys. And should we even mention the fact that people are being abducted off the street and killed while the Urbano's urban warriors are waiting for their cream-filled crullers, and the murder rate in La Prov this year reads like Dubya's death row count in Texas? Marshall Dillon our boy Barney is certainly not.

The Bud-I might be supporting Prignano just to remind us how bad things can actually get and to make the Plunderdome problems look like misdemeanors. But when your police chief oversees a force that inspires as much confidence as another Barney (Fife), and spends half his time calling up members of the media and other decent working people to apologize for the behavior of his charges, perhaps it's time for a change, eh, Mayor?

Congrats, Barney. We hear there's an opening for top cop in Kosovo. And the parking's free. Just make sure someone else starts your car.

Help the needy

In the grand tradition of Dylan's "She knows what you want, but I know what you need," P&J would like to inform our readers of what we gave to local celebrities in order to help them out, whether they knew they needed a hand or not.

To Governor Bigfoot, a hearing aid. Unfortunately The Missing Linc seems to have gone completely deaf to the public's opposition to a megaport at Quonset Point . Our second choice was to be erecting a plaque at Chelo's for never having missed an early bird special since he's been in office. Any time you see Bigfoot moving at over one mile an hour, you know where he's heading. This week's special: lame duck.

To Senate Majority Leader Bill "Napoleon" Irons, the little man with the big cojones, some much-needed lessons in diplomacy. The coup in which he unseated Sen. Paul "Slappy" Kelly was heavy-handed enough, but putting hacks like anti-choice Catherine Graziano in charge of the Senate Health, Education and Welfare committee is simply wrongheaded and bound to cost him points with the public in the long run. Relax, Billy.

To Sen. Linc Chafee, inner strength. While P&J already greatly like and respect Linc, and he's shown plenty of intestinal fortitude so far, he will need all the guts he can muster to face down the rabid-right conservatives in his own party. What we hope he remembers is that the vast majority of residents in the Biggest Little will support him versus the likes of Trent "Two Assholes In One Pair of Pants" Lott and Big Time Cheney, another two-fer, even if the downside is taking a hit on pork for the state. But it's a small price to pay to be able to look in the mirror in the morning. Stand tall, Linc, we're witcha.

To Lt. Gov. Charlie Fogarty, former U.S. Rep. "Dorian" Weygand, and A.G. Sherbert Whitebread: body armor. With no legitimate GOP gubernatorial candidate in sight -- with Bernie Jackvony and Jim Bennett only two of about six Republicans in the state -- and Myrth York bypassing a certain sandbagging by the gyno-phobic Democratic leadership (so a clinically brain-dead candidate like the Missing Linc can win), the infighting is due to start any minute. As Dorian showed this fall, he can be as vicious as necessary; the affable Charlie will have the Dem hierarchy doing the dirty work for him; and Sheldon will be called everything from an upper-class pooftah to minority community suck-up, primarily because he'll be the odds-on favorite and has so much integrity he scares 90 percent of the hind-leggers on Smith Hill. First question from P&J to the candidates: And what do you think about a megaport at Quonset Point?

To Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci: a prepaid plane ticket to St. Maarten or any other Caribbean island with a non-extradition law. Providence's peerless leader has presented his former chief of staff, Frank Corrente, a lifetime pass to the Foxy Lady in hopes that he lapses into a state of semi-conscious suspended animation in Mo Vaughn's favorite haunt the next time Jenna Jamieson hits town. But barring that sort of serendipitous occurrence, the general perception is that there remains a shoe the size of one of Shaquille O'Neal's sneakers waiting to be dropped by Meg Curran as the grand finale of Plunderdome. But having seen the Bud-I continue to wisecrack his way through every public appearance he makes, looking as untroubled as anyone could be, you know it will take more than someone shouting "Boo!" to make him hightail it from his Renaissance City. If only NBC's Providence was this entertaining.

Human missions

It has come to your superior correspondents attention that a few of our favorite people are in need of some financial assistance. First, mother and daughter, Joyce and Emma Katzberg, longtime activists for peace and justice, are scheduled to be arraigned this Friday, December 29, in a small courtroom inside the Navy Training and Education Center. They are charged with disorderly conduct at the entrance to the Navy War College in Newport on October 16 following a week of activities revolving around the first annual Newport Peace Festival.

For holding a banner reading "No More Nuclear Victims," handing out white roses and copies of the Nuremberg Tribunal and Geneva Protocols to the "security team" sent to arrest them, Joyce and Emma are looking at a potential six months in prison and/or a $1000 fine.

If, like P&J, the thought has ever crossed your mind that nuclear proliferation and war as a way to settle disputes is indeed insane, perhaps you would be willing to assist Joyce and Emma. They not only believe that war is insane and peace an ongoing process and way of life, but have actually attempted to live their lives in a way that bears witness to these notions.

As we know from history, doing something as nutty as what Emma and Joyce have chosen to do frequently has serious consequences (see: Jesus). There will be legal expenses and if you are able to help, make checks payable to Joyce Katzberg and send them to P.O. Box 187, Warren, RI 02885.

Speaking of witnessing for humanity, Richard Walton, another rabble-rouser par excellence, is planning to join a group trip to Iraq in January to deliver medicine to needy Iraqis. If you've been following what's going on there, you realize that the hellish situation for the people of Iraq need not be and that our country bears great responsibility for the continued tragedy and suffering.

The only thing is that, in typical Richard Walton fashion, he hasn't given a whole lot of thought as to how he's going to pay for the trip. When Bill Harley, the local artist/activist, asked Richard how much it would cost, he said, "about $2000." Considering the fact that Richard's one of those guys who hews close to the poverty line, Bill's further inquiry as to where he'd be getting the money was, not surprisingly, met with a shrug.

Well, hell, your superior correspondents are of the opinion that humanitarian missions which might save lives, are good things, things we'd like to support. Here's an opportunity to help innocent victims of a worldwide tragedy. Mr. Harley sez, "Can you kick in a check? My suggestion is $25, but more is great and less is almost as wonderful. You can either send it to me (with Richard's name on it), Bill Harley, 301 Jacob St., Seekonk, MA 02771, or just send it to him at 5 Grenore Avenue, Warwick, RI 02888. If for some reason he amasses $50,000, we will contemplate a redistribution."

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . belatedly to the BeloJo news editor who, following the U.S. Supremes going into the tank for Junior Bush, juxtaposed an article in which Little Rhody's Supremes expressed their beliefs that Frogman Thomas, Sandy O'Connor, and Vicodin Bill Rehnquist were right on the money in their decision, with a national story on the facing page that said the majority opinion of Americans was that the U.S. Supremes had soiled their knickers with a blatantly political move to save Dubya's chestnuts. Perhaps it's because our own top judges are so unfamiliar with politics having any role in the judicial process here? (Honk!)

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